home videos and other nuggets

I feel as though I’ve really met A LOT of men these past few months — some of them are great guys, many of them an intellectual match…but, so far, I haven’t met anyone I want to make home-made pornos with. Not that I would make home-made pornos, mind you, but I haven’t felt that sort of connection or desire to get naked with any of these guys I’ve met…yet. I’m willing to be patient, to give things time to develop…but I’m kinda doubtful that I’m gonna get to where I’m feelin’ it with anyone I’ve met thus far. There’s just no chemistry. (Which might explain my contemplating looking for a lover.)

A few weeks ago, my ex boyfriend recommended I read “Why You’re Not Married Yet,” by Tracy McMillan, especially the chapters entitled something like, “Because You’re a Dude” and “Because You’re Godless.” I agree with one of these, by the way. In fact, I wrote about it many months ago, acknowledging that it’s difficult for me to step outside of the in-charge role I have both in the workplace and at home. I was momentarily put off by his recommendation, but perused those chapters while in a local bookstore — I found it a good reminder and, unlike the language might suggest, not at all grating.

While nearly everyone agreed that the guy who wrote that arrogant message the other day was a total douche, I ran across another over the weekend: He noted that he like the opening in my profile and said that he didn’t think we take enough time to be playful and childlike and laugh. Promising, right? So I wrote back that I liked the closing comments in his profile and that, were we ever to get together, we would surely find much to laugh about. He challenged me to be spontaneous and meet him yet that night, leaving his digits. I had other commitments (like seeing a friend who lives in an exotic foreign country who I’m likely to see just once a year). I texted him later, during a lull in the energy, but didn’t hear back until morning, when he wrote something along the lines of making decisions based on others’ decisions. Which — translated — meant that, since I didn’t drop everything to make plans with him the night before, he wasn’t interested (thereby confirming I’d made the right decision). The friends and colleagues who’ve heard about that one agreed that he’s an even bigger douche than the narcissist.

Remember more-like-it? Well, I was taking a walk with my date the other day and, where the walking path meets the bike path, ran in to him on his bicycle. Yep, still somethin’ pretty cute about that guy!

…or perhaps a lover

Yesterday I suggested that I might take a Machiavellian approach to dating to enlist some help for necessary home repairs. Today, I’m considering being a little more forthcoming about my desired exchange. I’m thinking about taking a lover.

Let me explain: I had the kind of week last week that highlighted yet another opportunity for healing and growth — i.e. more baggage. I’ve spotted a pattern and, when it rears its ugly head, I question my readiness to engage in a healthy adult relationship. I think a little more self work would result in a healthier me, my being attractive to healthier potential partners and, ultimately, a healthier relationship.

So perhaps I should focus on my own priorities for a while and, rather than open myself to the prospect of a relationship, simply seek sex…

love and a new back splash

Every so often, I take a moment to ponder whether I should be dating more tactically. By that, I mean, should I date a construction worker or craftsman? Because I might be able to get some stuff done around the house that way…

Alas, I suspect this might begin well, but end in one of those the-cobbler’s-children-have-no-shoes scenarios. Furthermore, I suspect I could feel intellectually stymied in short order.

And, frankly, the whole idea of giving to get is off-putting to me: I’d like to naturally connect with someone who is as crazy about me as I am about him and have a relatively equal exchange of wonderment and gloriousness and sextacy. Which will require someone special, who I have yet to meet. I think.

Don’t get me wrong: I am not above dating someone who is intelligent and articulate and has chosen construction work as a career…I just assume that it’s more likely to work if he owns the company and has a college education. I don’t say that because I’m some sort of elitist princess, but just based on the experiences I’ve had in dating and interacting so far.

However, so far has gotten me nowhere…which brings me back to my question: should I take a more Machiavellian approach and date to get something done? Who knows — love could happen, and so could a new back splash.

who’s on first?

I had a second date with a fellow who called it our first date. Really this is all semantics and I don’t want to belabor the point but, having agreed to meet in person after virtually meeting (online), our first meeting over coffee would generally be considered our first date. Agree? And especially since he brought me a gift and bought my coffee.

He then asked me out on a date date. And it was like a throw back to the fifties or something: He insisted upon picking me up, he brought flowers (a dozen red roses, more on that later), he took me to dinner, then to the theatre and dropped me at home as would a proper teenage boy right out of “Leave It To Beaver.” Besides the flowers, he arrived bearing other gifts — a book and a small trinket.

Let’s rehash this event with a discerning eye:

I’ve already made it clear that I appreciate a man with manners — and it’s definitely okay if he’s a little old-fashioned in some ways, too. So I’m fine with his considering this our first proper date and some of those 1950-ish behaviors that went with it. In fact, it was really nice to be taken out — on what might be considered a special dinner and theatre date.
A gentleman also attends to a woman’s comfort — and, not gonna lie, it was a little weird for me to let him know where I live so soon. I almost let him know I’d meet him at the restaurant, but it’s kind of easy to believe this one’s not harmful in any way. At any rate, a guy might want to consider this in his planning.
A dozen red roses? Really? I can’t help but feel that a) they’re too much of a “love / valentine’s” statement for a first — or second — date and b) they are just sooo unoriginal. I like to think I’m unique, one-of-a-kind, especially in the eyes of a potential romantic interest…so, ideally, he’d go into a shop and say, “I’m meeting a beautiful woman, and I’d like to find something as beautiful and unique as she is…” I suppose that, to some men, this may be akin to asking for directions. Even a few tulips or lilies that could be carelessly dropped into a glass of water would give that effortless impression of confidence and class in a case like this.
Gifts: I am a complete sucker for gifts. I love giving and receiving gifts. For whatever inexplicable reason, this matters to me. And I’ve finally gotten over the need to pretend that it doesn’t. And, no, I don’t think that means I’m materialistic. So I like it that he’s thinking of things to give me to put a smile on my face. I am not put off by this. As a matter of fact, I know a woman who was given a sporty little convertible (the expensive sort, of German make) for her “Trick or Treat” on Halloween by her husband. Over the top? Not at all, as far as I’m concerned. However, rather than point out how difficult it was to find the bauble (by which I was baffled), I’d recommend a man pretend it was easy. I know he was trying to convey that he thought about me and spent actual effort toward that end, but he was kinda trying too hard for such an insignificant trinket.
It was also nice to be told that I looked very pretty — and I positively looked my best. I had a good hair night, my skin was aglow with the sun’s kiss, and I wore a lovely, if conservative, black sheath dress that crept a little short for comfort as we sat next to one another in the theatre. As always, the key is confidence and balance — if one goes on too much about how beautiful / sexy / attractive a woman is, it’s almost as though he’s acknowledging that he thinks she’s way too hot for him. (At least that’s kind of the way it seemed, as though he thought I was out of his league, at least in looks — and that doesn’t reflect well on him.)
At dinner, he used improper fork / knife technique while cutting his entrée. (And, wow!, does that ever make me sound priggish! Please discuss. I would like to know if anyone else is put off by this sort of thing.)
Throughout the entire show, as we sat side-by-side, I caught him looking at my hands, hoping for an opening so that he could take one of them. I would prefer a man feels comfortable enough in himself to reach out naturally and break the touch barrier.
In the end (for reasons unrelated to our date), I was completely exhausted and asked him to take me home immediately following the performance we’d seen. He obliged and walked me to my front door before giving me a sterile good night kiss.
Aside from some of this awkwardness, he has some wonderful qualities, including intelligence, wit, humor and a certain amount of ambition. He is clearly thoughtful and the type who plans ahead.

Will I see him again? Probably, based on what I already acknowledged in my last post. After all, few of the complaints I’ve listed here — and I’m sure I must sound like a complete bitch or princess or something — really matter in the course of a relationship. And that’s what I’m looking for, a relationship (and not a perfect understanding of how I might perceive one’s “second date technique.”) In other words, I won’t judge a book by its cover.

However, I will suggest something more casual for next time, so that I can discern whether there’s some potential while we’re both at ease.

second dates suck

First dates are pretty easy; I feel confident in my ability to keep the small talk going with just about anyone. I went on two dates last weekend and I’ve concluded that second dates suck!

Here’s why:

You’ve covered the basics of conversation and may have to work harder to keep the dialogue flowing smoothly.
I find that men who really want to impress a woman end up feeling more nervous and awkward, and either go completely overboard trying to impress or try to play it cool and come off like an ass.
Breaking the physical touch barrier can be awkward. It’s so easy to think back about how natural it felt to be physically close to my last boyfriend, for example…and it’s easy to forget that there was a time, as we were getting to know one another, during which it didn’t feel natural and we had to invest time building a level of physical comfort. So I’m trying to be my relaxed, friendly, flirtatious self …but…if I don’t feel chemistry with a guy, I’m not going to give off the kind of cues that encourage or welcome his touch. Sometimes it takes time for that sort of ease and desire to grow. Other men take just a little too much charge and aim for the epiglottis with the tongue.

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. In fact, one of my close friends told me about starting to date her husband: After the first date, she had felt such a connection and promise that she really looked forward to seeing him again. The second date was awkward and uncomfortable (because he was so nervous). She wondered if she’d only imagined all the great potential she’d felt during the first date. Luckily for her, she gave it another chance and, starting with their third date, they really started to get their footing. Now they’ve been married for three years, bought a home together and have a child.

So here’s what it all comes down to: Basically everyone gets a free pass on the second date — at least if the first meeting went well — because you’ve got to get past the weirdness of it and give it a chance. At least that’s my take.

Trust me when I say there’s plenty of weirdness…like the guy I met for coffee and a walk who then asked me out for our “first date” (really our second)…more on that next.

p.s. Don’t you just love the word epiglottis?!

ready to roll

Have you missed me? I’ve been so busy this past week my head is spinning:

Remember that motorcycle in my garage? Well, I’ve tracked down the title, taken it to the shop, got my endorsement, checked in to getting a matching helmet (hello, I gotta look cute doing it!) and more. With any luck, I’ll be ready to roll in a couple of weeks. I mean, I’m all ready to roll…it’s the bike I’m waiting on.
I had two second dates over the weekend. Both were fun and, yet…well, more on that later.

my new dating philosophy

I never got a chance to discuss my new dating philosophy last autumn, because I went straight from not seeing anyone to seeing someone exclusively. Which was kind of against my new philosophy, really. But it’s not always easy to implement a philosophy into action when it’s new, right?

So here goes:

I’m meeting people and I’m enjoying every experience. I’m learning more about my likes and dislikes and myself in relation to experiences with others. Liken it to being in a chocolate boutique, trying a small amount of that which looks good to me and continuing to circle the store, checking out the options, sampling as I go, believing that I’ll know when I find the flavor that’s a perfect fit for my palate. Except that I’m engaging more than my senses of taste and smell, but also my feelings and intellect.

As I woman, my natural tendency is to become too easily drawn in to the notion that the one I’m seeing could be the one — and developing those kinds of hopeful, yearning, attached feelings too early on can be unhealthy. It’s when we get caught in that place that we allow ourselves to be treated as “less than,” to get too physical before we’re emotionally prepared or on the same page as a man, or stand on unequal footing from our male counterpart who is “just dating.” In other words, I’m trying to view dating more like a man does — as a fun process of getting to meet people, get to know them and take my time determining whether they’re someone I’d like in my life.

I’m not alone in this approach. In fact, I’ve been clued in by the teachings of Mama Gena and by learning about what Rori Raye calls “circular dating.”

As such, I’ve become better at being direct about certain things while suspending judgement about others. And I’m having fun! I’ll write more about the dates I’ve had this weekend a little later.

spring status

It’s been a while since I’ve dropped in for a simple status update, so here it is:

I mentioned earlier that I’m getting a bit of attention since going back online. I’ve got two or three dates lined up for this weekend. Should be fun! There are actually a couple of the guys with whom I’m really enjoying communicating, and I’m looking forward to meeting them.
While I don’t listen to him exclusively / obsessively anymore, I’m still mad about Bob Schneider, the man who got me through the worst days of my divorce — and I think you should check out his tunage when you can.
I am so happy and I love my life so much! The children are at a spectacular age, I’m enjoying time outdoors and I am so fulfilled with the richness and blessings in my life. Gratitude!
I go to work each day happy for the challenges I face and the rewarding work I get to do. And today was an incredibly productive day — yay!
I get the weekend off! Which is great, because I actually have studying to do and I can’t wait to dig in and learn something new.
The berries are becoming ripe and the rhubarb is ready for harvest (again) — I love the fecundity of my little patch of soil. And I can’t wait to make a rhubarb crisp to share with my work colleagues.
My daughter’s teacher was a real hard ass about “may” vs. “can.” As a result, my daughter uses “may I…” — hooray for proper grammar!

You see? It really is the simple things that bring so much joy.

What else have I brought up that I need to close the loop? Let me know if there’s something you’re dying to hear about.

…until you try

I seem to be a bit of a hot item since going back online (don’t worry — I won’t let it go to my head), and this weekend I went on not one, but two, first dates. Here’s what I have to report:

I wasn’t particularly looking forward to either meeting; I was going out to get in the habit of going out, as I said yesterday. But I managed to have a lot of fun getting to know each of the guys, even if I don’t genuinely believe there’s any real relationship potential with either of them.

My first date, drinks on an outdoor patio, got off to a somewhat slow and awkward start and ended with an even more awkward kiss — the kind of exaggerated, dry pucker you might exchange with a distant grandparent. The intervening 90 minutes or so limped along all right, but I felt as though I were entertaining, rather than it being a mutual exchange. Luckily, I am entirely capable of amusing myself — and others, it would seem. Certainly, I was hoping for someone with a little stronger personality, a little more able to hold his own when seated across from a woman he clearly found attractive. But the true kiss of death was what seemed to be a lack of intellectual curiosity…and his feeble, “Let me know if you want to go out again.”

Probably he was relieved when I sent him a note several hours later letting him know what a pleasure it was to meet a genuine, kind gentleman, but that I just didn’t feel a spark.

For coffee this morning, I met someone who had the personality to stand up to some playful banter. He seemed to have some mature relationship experience, interests of his own and a deep caring for his family. He showed substance, sincerity and kindness. We share some interests in common…yet still lacked the kind of “brain sparks” that will keep me interested in the long run. We’ve agreed to keep in touch, and may go out again with the understanding that it’s not likely to come to anything more than friendship.

I suspected the results of these two dates might be as they turned out, but I went anyway…because you never know until you try.

to shave or not to shave?

I have a date this afternoon. I’m not at all looking forward to it. I am, in fact, stalling when I might be changing my clothes, putting on make-up and other such preparations.

So why am I going?

Because I feel it’s important to shift back in to a more open attitude about meeting new people, benefit in whatever way I can from each interaction with someone new (and by that, I don’t mean a free cocktail), learn about myself and get comfortable enjoying myself interacting with men.

Put another way: I feel as though I am headed in to some sort of self-improvement exercise…and, today, for whatever reason, I am dreading it.

Perhaps it is because there is a question on the online dating site I’m currently using as my “matchmaker” that asks: “Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?” and I have a differing view from the fellow I’m meeting today. I’m not sure why this particular issue has me tweaked today — surely issues of politics, religion and values are far more important — but it raises my feminist ire. How dare another say someone has an “obligation” to maintain such a thing. Fact: hair grows. Fact: most people I know describe their lives as “busy.” I simply think it’s fascist to proclaim that another human being should make this a higher priority than, say, …um, well, anything important.

Truth is, I tend to keep my legs shaved (about twice a week) during the summer. My hair is light and no one can tell if I haven’t shaved, unless they get close enough to feel the prickles of tiny hair sprouting. I shave regularly because it is my personal preference to do so, not because I feel “obligated.” In the winter, I sometimes let it go longer. I suspect that just about anyone who’s been married has enjoyed / endured physical closeness with a partner who may not be freshly shaven. That’s a part of what intimacy is about. And adjusting some grooming routines to meet a partner’s desires sometimes is also part of what intimacy is about. What’s more important is how such preferences, desires and behaviors are communicated and shared.

Don’t worry — I will shift my mindset in time to enjoy whatever today’s “date” brings. Curiosity alone is already putting a smile on my face…

But I won’t shave; I did that yesterday.