the narcissist in my inbox

Not gonna lie:  since I’ve begun online dating again, my profile is on fire! And, whether it’s what I’ve written in my profile or the cosmic universe juice I’m putting out there, I’m getting a lot of thoughtful, considerate messages from what I’d consider quality men.

This morning, I awoke to find a message that was decidedly not one of those. Read for yourself:

“Hey sweet thing. I just wanted to let you know that that guy who emailed you right after me? He sucks. Really. He doesn’t deserve to get the time of day from a hottie like yourself. Listen, my schedule is super busy but I think you may be worth a shot. If you’re not interested in a sexy, successful man, I’m sure there are plenty of losers like that other guy in your mailbox.”

This was so juicy I had to learn more…but first, I posted the message on Facebook and asked my friends to weigh in on how I ought to respond. And then I had a look at his profile:  his self-summary was more of the same attitude, he’s 6’2″, earns between $50 and $60k per year and photos showed a body that I would describe as “too much muscle.” (In other words, I suspect he might benefit from devoting a little more time and energy to developing some intellectual pursuits or depth of character in addition to all that time in the gym.) Oh…and he replies to messages frequently (which kind of contradicts his comment about being “super busy”).

I then checked back in on my friends’ feedback:

• Some immediately noticed that he used the words “thing” and “hottie,” which clearly demonstrates that he’s objectifying women.
• It was suggested — and I agree it’s likely — that this is a “copy and paste” approach. But it’s difficult for me to imagine that he’s had any success with it so far…
• Many suggested I should not reply at all. I am, of course, tempted to shoot back an equally obnoxious “shut down,” perhaps as one friend suggested:  “You ARE the loser in my inbox.”
• One male suggested I meet him for dinner then, after eating, tell him what a douche / ass he is and leave.
• One woman asked if his salary alone was a deal breaker. Um, when you’re calling yourself “super successful”… yes.
• Another suggested that he was overcompensating for what would certainly be a disappointing bedroom experience.
• Finally, another man suggested I collect donations for recording equipment and capture on video a date with this fellow. Then, it would all be posted to a site where contributors could watch every excruciating moment.

The thing that I noticed first — and yet no one else commented on it — was that he felt it necessary to put others down in order to lift himself up. Even more than “thing,” this was a huge red flag for me, and clearly no one I’d ever consider as “date material” or a promising relationship partner. Of course I also noticed the inherent arrogance in his posturing, especially the bit about being “super successful, super hot,” etc. Truth is, I happen to know several “super successful” people, and there’s not a one of them who is so lacking in humility, appreciation and gratitude for their abundance — which, by the way, vastly exceeds $60k per year.

My final take on the subject? If some woman actually falls for that crap, the two of them clearly deserve each other!