Monthly Archives: April 2013

forget the guys; I’m falling in love with myself!

It turns out that the guy I thought might be a keeper is no longer around. And that kind of surprised me, actually. I was eager to come back from spring break and take things to the next level…like stop meeting or dating other guys, go to bed together, etc… In fact, I hadn’t really written about him nor shared stories about him, because I didn’t want to jinx it.

Here’s what happened:  he broke a date with me via text with only hours to spare. I understand that the situation was out of his control but, even after learning he had to work, he had waited hours to let me know. I expressed that I wished he’d taken a moment to call, as I feel it’s more considerate and compassionate. I never heard a word back from the dude…which pretty much demonstrates that he’s not willing or able to meet my emotional needs. Thing is, I’m not tremendously needy, I’d just like for my feelings to be taken into consideration…so that doesn’t say much for him.

I’ve continued to meet other new men lately, as well, though no one I could call “special” at this point.

  • One seemed very serious and wanted me to be very interested in his work. I wasn’t. I was able to bring out his playful side and I may even give it a second chance (even though he’s a Scorpio).
  • I met another Scorpio who’s an entrepreneur, boyishly charming and irreverent and really fun! Again, not sure this will go anywhere, but I’m enjoying myself for now.
  • There’s the soft-spoken, slow-moving guy in the suburbs…I don’t know what to think about him. He’s good-looking and kind, but might not have a college degree (and, yeah, it kinda matters). I have difficulty keeping the conversation flowing and I’m trying to determine whether it’s simply because he’s shy. Not sure what will come of that…

Even while there are more guys in my inbox, I’m just not that into it…again. I’m not yet experiencing that special something that makes me want to leap, to take a risk… One grows weary after a while. So I’m thinking of taking another break to focus on falling in love with me, on putting my own feelings first, to treating myself like a princess — you know, all that self-work you’re clued into knowing you need based on the feedback you receive from the world (like not meeting anyone you really want to see again).

So if you don’t hear from me in the next few days, I’ll be reading a juicy novel, blowing out my hair, doing yoga, getting a massage, catching up with girlfriends, painting my nails or simply loving my life as it is! I believe self-love attracts love, but I’m gonna spend more time thinking about me than concerning myself with any sort of end game.

Stay tuned; coming up in the new few days, I’ll review my advance copy of Erika Lyremark’s upcoming book, “Think Like a Stripper: Business Lessons to Up Your Confidence, Attract More Clients & Rule Your Market.”

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do-gooders need not apply

I suspect this post will be somewhat controversial, so I’m just going to jump in:

There’s something about my online dating profile lately that’s inspired a lot of guys to write me and tell me about the do-gooder work they do, often in some nonprofit field or with some higher purpose or mission. And I mean that’s their introductory pitch, as if it will somehow make them instantly appealing to me.

On one hand, I think this is really great; everyone should have a purpose and feel fulfilled by his or her work. I, for one, can find great satisfaction even in a corporate role because I believe that I can guide others through my leadership and communicate in ways that help improve understanding. In fact, helping others understand complex topics is something I’ve quite naturally done all my life.

On the other hand, I wonder how it is that I’m giving the impression that I’m more likely to want to be with someone who’s dedicated his life to the sort of work that provides higher “cause” rewards than financial ones. To be quite frank — and you may think me a pig because of it — I like a man who wants to provide well for his family, who finds earning well both fulfilling and great fun and who desires to spoil me. I want the guy who says, “My love, you’d look great in that Audi Q5 — how do you feel about taking a test drive?”

I have great respect for the folks who have devoted their lives to causes. However, with a parent working in social services and friends in other types of serving roles, I’ve heard repeatedly that when passions like these become jobs, the stress and bureaucracy often end up outweighing the satisfaction of making what feel like real accomplishments or progress. Many have recommended to me to take the financial rewards that I’ve achieved and contribute (as I already do) through volunteerism and nonprofit contributions. Giving is, in fact, central to my life and a value that I’m sharing with my children.

Maybe my beliefs are outdated, outmoded and behind the times; after all, nonprofits have made great strides in paying better since I’ve first had an eye on them.

So what is the real issue here? I think I’m simply more traditional in how I view roles:  I want an ambitious, smart, hardworking guy who — as I wrote earlier — wants to earn a shit ton of money and provide an abundant lifestyle, so that I can focus on the role of guiding my family’s values, community involvement, volunteerism and giving. I do as best I can in the present, yet I can’t help but think removing the stress of being primary breadwinner would enhance my feeling of empowerment in this regard.

Keep in mind that I’ve supported my family for many years and found that a complete reversal of gender roles felt uncomfortable and unnatural to me. I felt it left little room for me to express my natural femininity or, at the very least, it was difficult for me to switch back and forth between the masculine energy I used at the office and the feminine I wished to express in my home. Meanwhile, I freely acknowledge that there are many masculine ways to contribute beyond the financial.

Ultimately I’ve been going out and meeting these fellows anyway; I certainly wouldn’t rule anyone out using this alone as a filter. At the same time, I’m not consciously trying to attract men with this particular career type. But hey, I try to stay open to the possibilities and if I fall in love, so be it.

Does this wish for a somewhat ambitious man make me a pig? Is it somehow misguided or focusing on the wrong things to wish for a man who gets a kick out of earning? I freely acknowledge that I may be way off base here — and I’d love to hear your perspective.


ready for love?

Did you watch Ready for Love this evening? Of course I did, of course I was curious. (Furthermore, I hereby confess to watching (though not religiously) The Bachelor and The Bachelorette…)

I want to learn everything I can from these matchmakers!

So far I’ve got:

  • don’t tell a guy you have a list
  • don’t say “fart”
  • don’t advertise your insecurities or introduce doubt

All solid advice, I’d say. And I think I can safely add:  wait until you’re really in a comfortable relationship before telling a guy you blog about dating.

My wish is that someone would go out on a limb and do one of these dating shows with middle-aged, average looking, average-bodied divorcees. Sure, everyone loves watching the young and beautiful people — and there’s no doubt they have just as tough a time as the rest of us when it comes to finding a mate — but viewers also respond to real people with real lives and real flaws. Just watch one of those weight loss or hoarder shows…if there weren’t an audience for these shows, they wouldn’t be on television.

Would I go on it? Heck no! I’m simply a much more private person than that…but even if it might be kind of stressful, I do like the thought of several guys vying for my attention.

If you tuned in, let me know what you think in the comments.


preparing for my debut

I’m spending spring break in Southern California, enjoying the sunshine and beach while blocking the story I’ll tell this coming Sunday as part of Sunday Night Sex Talks (8pm, Bar Lubitsch, West Hollywood).

Here’s what I’ve blocked out so far:

– grooming

– therapist

– Anthony

– in between

– the Cajun

Now, how to tie it all together?