meditating and mantra

For the past month or so, a particular mantra has been on my mind. It goes something like this:

“I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you.”

This particular mantra has been part of my consciousness for so long that I can’t recall where I first learned it. Possibly it’s as common to meditators as “om mani padme hum.” I’ve done a little research, and it turns out this is an ancient Hawaiian / Polynesian mantra that is part of a healing practice of forgiveness. According to Wikipedia, “Ho’oponopono” is defined as “mental cleansing.”

I’ve played around with it over the years. And, since it’s back in my mind, I’m going to work with it a lot more over the coming weeks. With this as a reminder to myself, my daily meditation practice will go something like this:

Inhale: “I’m sorry.”

Exhale: “Forgive me.”

Inhale: “Thank you.”

Exhale: “I love you.”

Repeat.

Maybe it’s just the medicine I need to restore my faith in the possibility of love.

Join me?

…and what are you up to?

So if you’re sensing that I haven’t been as full-on committed to the quality of posts or storytelling in this blog recently, you’d be right. Thus, I’m going to give you a little glimpse into what I’ve been up to:

I wrote a children’s book (obviously much cleaner than what I write about here), I’m working with an illustrator and raising the funds to get it published on Kickstarter.com. I hope you’ll support the project!
I began a new gig that has me commuting across town, working all day and racing back after work to try and pick the children up before I have to pay a late penalty.
I signed up for an online course to brush up on some new media skills.
I wrote a down-and-dirty business plan for a statewide entrepreneurial competition. (I’ve been feeling overwhelmed enough so that, when I asked myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” and arrived at being selected for the next round, because then I’d have to commit to further work on it…well, I figured I have nothing to lose.)
I’m exploring the possibility of buying a business that I’ve admired from afar for some time.

Additionally, I’ve been working on summer arrangements for my children, car shopping, getting a new roof, trying to keep up with the house and yard work, and failing miserably at maintaining my exercise and meditation routines. And, while I’ve taken a break from the online dating game, I’m actually checking in to other sites that might prove more fruitful, either because of sheer volume or who knows? There are some cool concepts out there that I want to try…which you may hear about if I find I’m inspired to write about them.

After a few-month period of shedding and releasing just about anything “extra,” it seems I’m now doing my damnedest to bite off way more than I can chew. You know me by now: always trying to find my balance, I struggle with wondering whether I’m genuinely pursuing multiple passions or if I’m just throwing a bunch of shit at various walls to see what will stick. I am, in fact, a bit overwhelmed, and yet I’m managing my stress much better than when I was in the social pressure cooker of my old work life. I’m just plugging away, step by step, working toward my passions, knowing that the “right” things will fall in to line naturally.

And, with that, I’m gonna go and get my “om” on, and follow it with some zzzzz. Dream sweetly!

pain is good, yeah?

The last week has been emotionally challenging. As a matter of fact, it brought me to my knees. I’ve been hurting. Deeply. And this is a GOOD THING!

You see, I’m intellectual and a bit of an introvert. Which means, if left to my own devices, I’d spend way too much time inside my own head. I’ve had to consciously apply myself to the practice of presence, living in the moment, and actually living in body and experiencing my feelings. I’ve gotten much better at these things, particularly since having children, practicing yoga and meditating.

Three things happened this past week that hit me emotionally probably more than they “should” have. (I try to avoid “should-ing” on myself.) While I’m not going to address them all here and now, my response tells me that these occurrences were triggers that brought up some old pain that needs to be dealt with. I’ve really been feeling it. And physically. I’m low on energy, yawning a lot, there’s growling in my abdomen and I can feel a tenderness in my chest cavity accompanied by a very literal “knife in the back” sensation. And so I’m trying to deal, trying to process, trying to explore and heal an emotional landscape that no longer serves me and that might well be holding me back from attracting what I want into my life.

When I’m feeling this way — vulnerable, insecure and hurting — I see three possibilities:

I could be unconscious and reactive about it, failing to self-reflect, and go on about my life without taking the time to feel, experience or heal.
I could witness the thoughts I’m having and stop myself every time I notice a negative thought around these feelings in order to re-wire my brain. (Nerve cells that no longer fire together no longer wire together and, if I change my thought patterns, I will ultimately affect my feelings and moods.)
Or I could feel — allow myself to feel deeply, truly experience and process these emotions and release them.

As you might have guessed, I’ll work within the latter two approaches. I’m trying to use my mental strengths to be a better friend and coach to myself. Like most of us, my internal critic is far more harsh than any words I would ever say to a friend, and I’ve long made a practice of lightening up and being kinder and gentler to myself.

I’ll address the feelings and physical symptoms by supporting myself and my best health (so much of which is chemical) through healthy eating, breath work, meditation, physical activity and practicing gratitude.

It almost seems contradictory to prevent myself from thinking certain thoughts while simultaneously allowing my feelings. But the old emotional attachments need to be felt and experienced in the body to be released, and that’s where I’ll break the chain. I won’t allow the feelings to feed the thoughts, and I’ll ensure the thoughts that feed the emotions are nurturing. I’m going to be the change and break the old emotional patterns for once and for all. Ah, growing pains!

the midlife crisis explained

I took a workshop by Dr. Joe Dispenza one day recently. He talks and writes about how we can use brain science to transform our lives. He is also a chiropractor and practices yoga. What I love about him is that he takes a concept so many people think of as New Age or woo-woo, explains the very real brain science behind it and makes it practical.

So, imagine my surprise as I’m eagerly waiting to do a guided meditation exercise, when he brings up the midlife crisis. Apparently, there are real reasons for this phenomenon!

He highlighted the outer manifestations — people getting divorced, quitting their jobs, deciding to circumnavigate the world in a sail boat. Most often, it seems, we are able to see what others are shedding, releasing or giving up. We rarely understand the reasons for this or what new beliefs they are bringing into their lives. Most often, we look at these people and ask, “have they lost their minds?!”

The answer, according to Dr. Joe is YES! And that can be a good thing:

You see, by age 35 or 40, our brain is 95% completely formed. Connections are in place, we’re often married, working and parenting by this time. We are socializing with people in groups that may have been formed based on our children’s school associations or through work or merely by where we live. And suddenly we realize that the outward vision of what others see of us and how we feel about ourselves are completely different. We may not even like the people we’re working so hard to impress!

Often, there is some feeling of fear or anxiety or lack of self-worth that we’ve failed to process or deal with along the way and, often, we’re not even conscious of this. But for those of us who have or are going through it, we know something is wrong and we act out in one of two ways:

We drop out. We begin to make changes by releasing what is no longer serving us, whether it be relationships, jobs, careers, our home (the illusion of stability). We are willing to give up everything to find something more authentic and meaningful and true to us.
We try to fill the gap between how we feel and how we’re perceived. This is where the sports cars, trophy mistresses and jewelry and such come in — sometimes creating tremendous debt. Or we may try to fill this gap with alcohol or other substances which, because they don’t effectively work on any authentic level, require more and more over time, becoming addiction.

I’m not sure I’m explaining this very well, and I highly recommend you buy the new Dr. Joe Dispenza book when it comes out or, better yet, attend a workshop. He gave me so much to think about!

And, of course, at the next break I rushed to the front of the room to proudly proclaim that “I am this cliché you were talking about! I just got divorced, turned forty and quit my job, and I’m so excited about the opportunities out there for me, because I know I can create something better!”

Dr. Joe gently held my arm, began nodding his head up and down, and said, “When you’re saying that, make sure your matching it in your body. You’ve been shaking your head from side to side as you said that.”

Busted! My body was saying “no” while my mind was screaming “YES!” Now to get my body to catch up with my brain…

mantras and meditations

Trying to get my groove back has taken me back to some old-school ways — like yoga and meditation.

When my mind is racing and I have trouble falling asleep, I’ve taken to using a mantra as I focus on my breath. Sometimes, just focusing on my breathing isn’t enough. It takes words to overwrite the words of the racing thoughts. So, when I breathe in, I think “abundance,” and when I breathe out I think “gratitude.” In other words, I’m allowing myself to take in abundance from the universe and sending gratitude back out into the universe. And it does calm my mind.

I’ve added another two-word combo to my repertoire recently: “allow” on the inhale, “release” on the exhale. I could use a regular reminder to allow myself to be open to blessings, and to release anything negative by exhaling it out.

What two-word combos will you practice?