Tag Archives: creating

car trouble

I was driving down the freeway on the way home from work, admiring all the sexier cars going by, thinking “someday I’ll have a husband who wants me to drive one of those,” when I caught myself at it. I mean thinking that very crazy notion.

And I realized that I don’t need anyone’s approval or wish for me to drive a hot car — I can have whatever the hell car I want for myself because I’m in charge. And I value me and I don’t need approval from anyone. Of course I know this. Of course I’ve had this realization before…yet still, on some level, I realized this mental pattern meant I’m still seeking direction, approval, competence, the “go-ahead” from somewhere outside myself.

Clearly this is a pattern for me:  one of those nasty, sticky karmic lessons that doesn’t want to go away until it’s well and truly engrained into my noggin. Seems like every time I peel back another layer, I need to learn the same lesson again, in some nuanced new way…

So I hereby declare myself competent, independent, in charge and approved. As is. And I will do what the hell I want…whether it means driving this rice grinder into the ground or hailing a hot new chariot. It’s all me, Baby!

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witnessing the shift

I am in a completely different place than I’ve ever been before:  I feel empowered, strong and clear in a way that I probably haven’t ever before in my life.

Let me explain…

I’ve been using creative visualization, conscious intent, meditation and gratitude to heal my heart, transform my energy and get my head on straight. And, despite my deep desire for partnership, I am finally un-stuck to the outcome. In other words, I’m detached. I’ve set my intent, asked the universe to deliver and let go of the need to control how things manifest.

As it relates to dating, here’s how this shift has affected my mindset:

  • I’ve started to enjoy dating. I go out to meet people and practice leaning back in to my feminine energy. I know that the universe has a spectacular sense of humor, so I just open myself to where the experience might go. I’m laughing about that guy I’ve seen twice who keeps finding ways to tell me that there’s no chance for romance between us…but then wants to see me again. Whatever!
  • I trust that I’ve attracted people into my life for a reason. I stay attuned to whatever that lesson or gift might be.
  • I may offer or suggest, but I won’t chase. I may lead or invite, but I don’t make the first move. I let him manage the accelerator; I’ll be ready to brake, if necessary.
  • I shrug off rejection. His loss. He’s doing me a favor by opting out early. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone I had to convince to like me. And I’ll take whatever gift or lesson I might have learned from the experience. As my good friend Max said, “When a woman chases men, she always catches the weak ones first.”
  • I enter situations with no expectations. Look at my recent trip to Chicago…  Sure, I hoped to share a few moments of closeness with Chi-guy. Instead, I learned that he’s in a relationship and didn’t tell me about it. There was a time that I might have been hurt or upset to learn this. Now, I’m bemused and curious about why he didn’t mention it (is it because he likes my attention?), and I was only very slightly saddened and disappointed. In fact, I was surprised at how un-emotional I was about it…because I knew that he was doing me a favor. If a man thinks he has nothing to offer me…well, then, he clearly doesn’t.
  • I’m flirting with all kinds of men and women in all kinds of situations. I like to flirt; I feel good, and it makes others feel good. It keeps me in touch with my pleasure center.
  • I say “yes” more often. I ask for help and accept it. I’m open to support.
  • I’m saying “no” to distractions to what I want. As much as my 40-year-old libido would love some satisfaction, I’m just not interested without the rewards of emotional intimacy. I’m holding out for the relationship.
  • I know the right man for me will be strong, masculine and forgiving. And, most of all, he will demonstrate through action that he truly and deeply wants to make me happy.
  • I am deeply grateful for the very masculine attention I receive. It’s wonderful to notice!
In summary, my boundaries are healthier than ever, I have greater clarity and I’m genuinely happy in my life. I’m pleased with the choices I’m making and the direction I’m going. Even though I haven’t manifested that amazing ideal job, life partner or other desires, I’m relaxed and peaceful about it. These things are coming to me — I can feel it!

Independence Day status report

Today, Independence Day to be exact, seems like as good a day as any to report on the status of my own independence…and I do have some good news to report:

Today I felt that old, elusive feeling…the feeling I recall feeling at thirty (a decade ago), after I’d purchased my first condo and luxury car, knowing that I was self-reliant and could allow myself abundance. I felt a glimpse of that in-the-flow, abundant feeling, completely fulfilled, with no need of anything more than what I have here; complete in and grateful for all that I am and all that I have.

Wow! Seems like it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way, and recognizing it brings the realization that I’ve spent too much time in the past couple of years feeling inadequate, damaged or lonely… in a word, like a failure.

The hidden message or blessing in this is that I don’t feel like I need a man in my life to be complete. At some point, I’d love to find a co-conspirator and partner, but right now I feel happy to be single me, happy to be a mother to my littles and simply filled with joy at being present.

Sure, I’m still dealing with some lingering pain, loneliness and resentment…but even acknowledging that is an act of further letting go, further allowing myself to heal.

And here’s where I come back to the dating thing. At this very moment, I don’t care if I date any time soon. Sure, I’d love to go out and have some fun — and to have someone fun with whom to have fun. But I do have those people — I have girlfriends. Many of the men I’ve met online have proven flaky and seem to not have taken the time to heal themselves. I’m not saying that as a judgment, because I’ve been pretty wishy-washy, too.

What I am saying is “do the work, people!” It’s worth it to heal yourself and be whole before you try it all over again.


my eyes are on the prize

The theme for the past week or so is keeping my eyes on the prize. It’s popped up in dialogue with friends, in horoscopes, on the radio…

So what is the prize?

Well…it’s not any of the men I’ve written about here, regardless of how much I’m intrigued by or adore them. It’s not my current day job.

The prize is enjoying life now.

The prize is spending quality time with my children.

The prize is good health.

The prize is a healthy, loving relationship.

The prize is fulfilling work that shares something positive with the world.


how to write goals with feeling

Awhile ago, I read a great article in O about goals and creating.

Author Martha Beck advises writing down what you think you want. For example, “I want to lose 30 pounds.” Or, “I want to start a business.”

Then ask yourself how you think you’ll feel when you’ve accomplished your goal. For the first it may be, “I’ll feel fit, energetic, confident” and for the second it may be “I’ll finally feel in control of my life, freedom.”

Sometimes there’s a disconnect between what we think we want and the way we want to feel. For instance, many people who start a business feel anything but free or in control — in fact, they may feel as though they’re always working and that life is more stressful than it was before. And for some, a weight loss goal may seem overly daunting.

So the author recommends using adjectives to help you re-write your goals, beginning with how you want to feel. If you want to feel “fit, energetic and confident,” your goal may seem more specific and achievable, and you can support your goal with smaller and achievable steps like “eat more vegetables, exercise regularly, take a pole dancing or burlesque class.” And, if you manage to take those small, manageable steps toward feeling the way you want, you may find yourself on your way to losing 30 pounds after all.

So when it comes to feeling more in control of my work-life balance, income and freedom…well, I haven’t figured that one out quite yet.


…and what are you up to?

So if you’re sensing that I haven’t been as full-on committed to the quality of posts or storytelling in this blog recently, you’d be right. Thus, I’m going to give you a little glimpse into what I’ve been up to:

  • I wrote a children’s book (obviously much cleaner than what I write about here), I’m working with an illustrator and raising the funds to get it published on Kickstarter.com. I hope you’ll support the project!
  • I began a new gig that has me commuting across town, working all day and racing back after work to try and pick the children up before I have to pay a late penalty.
  • I signed up for an online course to brush up on some new media skills.
  • I wrote a down-and-dirty business plan for a statewide entrepreneurial competition. (I’ve been feeling overwhelmed enough so that, when I asked myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” and arrived at being selected for the next round, because then I’d have to commit to further work on it…well, I figured I have nothing to lose.)
  • I’m exploring the possibility of buying a business that I’ve admired from afar for some time.

Additionally, I’ve been working on summer arrangements for my children, car shopping, getting a new roof, trying to keep up with the house and yard work, and failing miserably at maintaining my exercise and meditation routines. And, while I’ve taken a break from the online dating game, I’m actually checking in to other sites that might prove more fruitful, either because of sheer volume or who knows? There are some cool concepts out there that I want to try…which you may hear about if I find I’m inspired to write about them.

After a few-month period of shedding and releasing just about anything “extra,” it seems I’m now doing my damnedest to bite off way more than I can chew. You know me by now:  always trying to find my balance, I struggle with wondering whether I’m genuinely pursuing multiple passions or if I’m just throwing a bunch of shit at various walls to see what will stick. I am, in fact, a bit overwhelmed, and yet I’m managing my stress much better than when I was in the social pressure cooker of my old work life. I’m just plugging away, step by step, working toward my passions, knowing that the “right” things will fall in to line naturally.

And, with that, I’m gonna go and get my “om” on, and follow it with some zzzzz. Dream sweetly!


why I’m doing this

Ira Glass on creative work

I’m here, writing nearly every day, for these simple reasons:

  • because I must write
  • to discipline myself to write daily (or almost daily)
  • to prove to myself that I can commit (where previous efforts toward that end have failed)
  • to not suck
I’ve always written, just not as regularly or creatively as I’d like. And I think Ira’s quote sums it up pretty well.
p.s. You can find the original poster here:  http://forr.st/~9OF