Tag: attraction

sheer yumminess!

Finally, the eagle has landed. The fox is in the henhouse.

Or whatever silly code might clue in those friends who are so eager for me to share when I was finally able to enjoy some quality time in the company of a certain very attractive fellow. Frankly, I don’t think any of them are readers here, but this is the best I plan to do.

I’m rarely inclined to spill many details of my involvements or alliances. After all, I have to respect a gentleman’s privacy.

But, in this case, I feel I must gush at least a little:  OMG he has soft, sweet lips! I could have stroked the whiskers on his face and hair on his chest indefinitely. We talked for hours. It felt wonderful to laugh, share and enjoy the company of a sweet, intelligent, creative, attractive man…

And I am still smiling.

anticipation is like a balloon

If horniness were terminal, I’d be dead already. And I’m too young and have way too much fun left in me to die! Aaargh!

Ever since our discussion a few weeks ago, a certain someone and I have been trying to find some time to get together and explore and pleasurize. Yes, I’m sure that’s a word — I’ve just invented it.

Actually doing it, though? Epic fail. We have not managed to find a time when neither of us has a conflict. And I’m not sure what to do about it.

I mean, I’ve tried to convey a sense of urgency…yet I don’t want to get too dramatic for fear of sounding desperate. Okay, I am desperate. Sexually, that is. Not emotionally. I’m drive-across-town-for-five-minutes-in-a-utility-closet kind of desperate. Egad, that sounds fantastic!

I suspect he is not feeling any such urgency; that he’s happy to take time and savor those glorious feelings of anticipation and the creative fantasies they engender; that he is clearly far more patient than I am; that he’d prefer to find a time when we can both take time, relax and really get to know one other.

Don’t get me wrong:  I’m enjoying the build up, as well. But my anticipation is like a balloon:  it can only take so much more before it  explodes!

And now there has been plenty of time for insecurities to creep in and try to sabotage my revelry. I wonder if he’s not as interested as I am. I start to think someone else may have caught his eye. And, gosh, that would suck! Especially since I’ve just seen some new pictures of him online with a bit of a beard and I am so turned on!

So I go on with my life, my work, my parenting, while ever dirtier images and fantasies creep into my nocturnal and day dreams.

If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. Or I’m to cultivate patience. Or there will be other men. Que sera, right? I generally trust in this benevolent universe to have my back and, if not him now, then a better situation for me later.

But dammit, I’d sure enjoy him now. Pretty please! With whipped cream and cherries on top!

it’s all about the energy

The city in which I live is still very much a small town in some ways, and I’ve come to expect to run into many of the same folks over and over. So, when invited to a really fun work / social party thrown by a few awesome guys / companies in their funky, mod work space, I was already anticipating running into a ton of fun people I already know.

Aside from being welcomed at the door by a guy friend on whom I have and off-again / on-again crush, there were really two highlights of the evening for me:

First, as I told my guy friend, “I’m dying to meet your brother, because he is such an acerbic bastard on Facebook that I already know I’ll love him!” When we were introduced, I explained to this man why I’d been so eager to meet him and he laughed, “yeah, I get a lot of that.” But the genuine and surprising pleasantness was that this man, who appeared large, gruff and potentially intimidating, and who is always — as far as I can tell from the comments he posts on common friends’ status updates — a perfect sonofabitch, had the warmest, friendliest, most open energy imaginable. He was not at all the curmudgeon I had anticipated. Don’t get me wrong, I would have adored him as a curmudgeon, as well. Instead, he was as you might expect to find Jerry Garcia or the famous ice cream Ben and Jerry:  fulfilled, successful, creative and positively oozing loving vibes…a sort of teddy bear, who you felt immediately drawn to hug. Without the tie-dye. Think Buddha with a 70s porn ‘stache.

There was something exciting about this encounter for me — that someone could be so acerbic and witty (occasionally coming off as condescending or sarcastic) while so clearly happy, content and loving. It was a big aha. After all, I’ve been working to balance my own energy for years — and I’d finally experienced that which I’ve been trying to achieve (in my own unique and feminine form, of course) — the perfect balance of loving-kindness and irreverence.

My second fabulous experience of the night was running into a long-ago colleague who is now part of an up-and-coming band. Let me set this up:  He’s tall, good-looking and has the sort of smooth, sexy drawl with which he could easily and simply talk my clothes right off…if he weren’t married (and to a super sweet woman, to boot). I used to have a huge crush on him! So it was a wonderful surprise to learn that he’d had a crush on me, too, back in the day. (Even back then, when I was being the worst human I’ve ever been — too much alcohol, drugs and unhealthy relationships.) And dang! He’d have been ten times the husband mine was, though I probably couldn’t compare to his wife. He sweet-talked me for a good, long while, suggested I manage his band, promised to look for eligible men for me and gave me the best hug ever. His energy was so warm — I never wanted those moments to end!

It was a great party with a ton of awesome people, but those two special moments illuminated a critical realization:  I’d choose a man with great energy over great looks any day of the week. And therein lies the bummer of online dating:  had I seen a photo of my friend’s brother online, I would have been unlikely to want to meet him. In real life, I’d kill to meet a single, available man like him!

Now, if I can get my energy to match all that bliss, I’ll have no problem attracting it!

deep thoughts

I’ve been away for a few days, my first fly-away girls’ weekend in probably a dozen years — for sure since before I’ve had children. It was relaxing, it was delectable, it was…a whole lot of estrogen.

And my deep thought for the weekend was…(drum roll, please)…penises are fun! 

That’s right:  I spent the weekend with a group of women and fantasized about spending it with a man. The scenery was spectacular, the food was wonderful, the entertainment was fun — and all of it was potentially romantic.

One evening, we gals sat around a fireplace and watched the silhouettes moving through the rooms of the resort around us. In some, we could see people getting ready for a late dinner. In one, we saw a couple as they got out of the shower, slowly get ready, start making out, start getting “unready” and then get ready again and leave their room. For a moment, we thought we might see some real action. (Note to self:  close the heavy drapes when getting ready in a hotel room.)

And I sat there in silent ambivalence, enjoying the company of women, but wishing a for a proper lay. I fantasized about my ex (boyfriend, not husband), about more-like-it, about men I saw nearby… perhaps tellingly, I did not fantasize about the man I’ve currently been seeing (not exclusively). Hmm…

I think perhaps it’s time I went out and found myself some fun…the penises are fun kind of fun.

a little magic, please

The reason I took the step of dating online is because my time is compressed:  I get the children out the door in the morning, drive to work, work, drive to pick up the children, scramble to put dinner on the table and try to catch up on work, housework or quality time with my angels in the evening. I usually collapse of exhaustion sometime before ten each night. In other words, I don’t see a lot of openings or opportunities during which I might happen across someone who shares similar interests, knows other folks in common or might otherwise catch my gaze from across the room, knowing instantly…

Ideally, this would all unfold more naturally:  my wish is to meet someone who is part of one of my circles, with whom I get to spend time in groups — someone with whom a sense of comfort and interest will develop over time, blossom into a friendship and then become passionate over time.

So here is my wish to the universe:

  • Let him have kind eyes and a warm smile.
  • Let him get me and all my weirdness and idiosyncracies and love me not in spite of them but because of them.
  • Let our relationship come at the right time and for the highest good of everyone involved.
  • Let us bring out the best in one another.
  • Let us be blessed with abundance so that we may give and share and be generous with the blessings we bestow upon others.
  • Let him save a special look just for me.
  • Let us love, honor and respect each other.

I realize this list is a great deal different from what I wrote many, many months ago — and which I haven’t looked at since I don’t know when, probably more than a year now.

I’m not sure whether or how this might happen, but I’m keeping the faith and holding space in my heart for the possibility.

home videos and other nuggets

I feel as though I’ve really met A LOT of men these past few months — some of them are great guys, many of them an intellectual match…but, so far, I haven’t met anyone I want to make home-made pornos with. Not that I would make home-made pornos, mind you, but I haven’t felt that sort of connection or desire to get naked with any of these guys I’ve met…yet. I’m willing to be patient, to give things time to develop…but I’m kinda doubtful that I’m gonna get to where I’m feelin’ it with anyone I’ve met thus far. There’s just no chemistry. (Which might explain my contemplating looking for a lover.)

A few weeks ago, my ex boyfriend recommended I read “Why You’re Not Married Yet,” by Tracy McMillan, especially the chapters entitled something like, “Because You’re a Dude” and “Because You’re Godless.” I agree with one of these, by the way. In fact, I wrote about it many months ago, acknowledging that it’s difficult for me to step outside of the in-charge role I have both in the workplace and at home. I was momentarily put off by his recommendation, but perused those chapters while in a local bookstore — I found it a good reminder and, unlike the language might suggest, not at all grating.

While nearly everyone agreed that the guy who wrote that arrogant message the other day was a total douche, I ran across another over the weekend:  He noted that he like the opening in my profile and said that he didn’t think we take enough time to be playful and childlike and laugh. Promising, right? So I wrote back that I liked the closing comments in his profile and that, were we ever to get together, we would surely find much to laugh about. He challenged me to be spontaneous and meet him yet that night, leaving his digits. I had other commitments (like seeing a friend who lives in an exotic foreign country who I’m likely to see just once a year). I texted him later, during a lull in the energy, but didn’t hear back until morning, when he wrote something along the lines of making decisions based on others’ decisions. Which — translated — meant that, since I didn’t drop everything to make plans with him the night before, he wasn’t interested (thereby confirming I’d made the right decision). The friends and colleagues who’ve heard about that one agreed that he’s an even bigger douche than the narcissist.

Remember more-like-it? Well, I was taking a walk with my date the other day and, where the walking path meets the bike path, ran in to him on his bicycle. Yep, still somethin’ pretty cute about that guy!

four dudes in four days

So today I enjoyed lunch at an ethnic bistro tucked away in a part of town I don’t normally get to. “Why?”

Because I was on my fourth first date in as many days.

Here’s a summary:

  • At least three of these four gents were better company than the two I met on my last footloose and fancy-free weekend.
  • Two of four share the sun sign Aquarius (who are supposed to make a good match for this Libra); the others were a Scorpio and Virgo (not so likely to be good mates for me).
  • In no particular order:  lawyer, artist, IT, civil service.
  • I enjoyed coffee (iced tea, actually) and a (very hot and humid) walk; musical theatre and sushi; upscale fusion bistro (small plates with sparkling wine); and today’s ethnic lunch.
  • One of the gentlemen arrived with a gift — a book related to the subject of a conversation we’d had. He later complimented me on my hair and my engaging conversation.
  • One guy was from out-of-town. He was traveling for some creative work and proved far cuter and far more engaging than his profile might have suggested. Glad I took a chance to meet him, but didn’t get too caught up, as he leaves town later this week. Still, nice lips.
  • One of the fellows confessed to having listed his $60k income because, he explained, “since it’s not very much, I want to be really up front about it.” Admirable reasoning, I thought. And he seems genuinely passionate about his work for the greater good.
  • One of the fellows was more stifled that the others, and I couldn’t figure out whether his obscure interests were a merely result of having worked hard at being different from everyone else or if they had somehow (how?!) evolved more naturally.
  • I can’t figure out if one of them is merely looking for a beard…

At any rate, here are some self observations:

  • I must be relaxing and getting good at this, because everyone I meet seems to want to see me again.
  • I’m attracting men who are within the range of what I’d call “intellectual equals.” (Thank heavens, after so many conversations that went nowhere last summer.)
  • Most are even better looking than their profile pictures — a pleasant discovery.
  • I’m having fun!
  • I’m not feeling raging chemistry for any of them, but could rank them if pressed. I’m willing to give it time and see if something develops (but I know that, for one at least, it won’t).
  • It’s sort of exhausting.

In any case, I’d better rest up (and save my pocket change for the sitter) — on my next available weekend, I’m going to be dripping in dates!

Peter Pan

Somehow I’ve always managed to attract a certain type of men:  When I was not yet thirty, the fifty-year-olds were drawn to me like white on rice, like moths to a lamp. Lately, it seems to be guys who don’t want to grow up, who want to live in the moment, who don’t have any kind of vision for the future. Or is it just that a disproportionate number of the available men out there are single because they aren’t interested in commitment?

In any case, I sometimes wonder whether I should be concerned about the trend, concerned that maybe I’m giving off a “fantasy” vibe, rather than “marriage-potential” vibe.

I’ve been clear about what interests me, and I’ve aligned my behavior to my long-term interests, eschewing easy dalliances. After all, I’d hate to end up back in a relationship with a man who ultimately required as much parenting as my children. A man (by this age) ought to have some sense of self, strong core values and a clear understanding of the expectations of commitment. He ought to be mature enough to behave with integrity and conduct himself with a certain amount of dignity.

My latest six-month romance was with a man who bucked the trend:  he was dignified and intentional (though he would have said “deliberate”) about living a set of values. In fact, he may have been the most mature man I’ve ever dated. It goes without saying that these are qualities I admire.

So I’m going to bless that chapter of my life, express my gratitude for the experience and know, with confidence, that I’ll recognize such qualities when I next experience them.

a whole new world of weird

It’s interesting that I feel so grounded and centered with so much weirdness around me:

Someone material to me has just made one of the most unmitigatedly, colossally poor decisions of her life:  she has allowed her ex to move back into her life and into her home. The ex is certainly narcissistic, quite possibly a psychopath, who was fired from his job for screwing an intern (in his office) who called him “Dad.” This is while married. The divorce was ugly; she has struggled to manage a large house and finances since. And she’s willing to take the philandering douchebag back… Ugh. Sadly, the woman in question is my mother. Containing the fallout will surely mean my relationship with her changes, as will the relationship she has with my children. The manipulative man formerly known as my stepfather has no place in my life.

Meanwhile, I’ve shared this news with my ex, whose response was that — if she could forgive and take him back — perhaps there was hope for us to reconcile, as well… Um, no.

Despite the drama going on around me, I’m managing my boundaries…so far, so good anyway.