my weekend: a test of stamina

How long ago was it that I wrote I was beginning to feel fatigued by this whole serial dating thing? Right, only a few days ago.

So why then, would I schedule a date Friday immediately after work, followed by a haircut, birthday party and no fewer than three dates on Saturday? Gahhhh!

I suppose it’s because I want to know, because I suspect I may have some answers after this weekend — at least for those who are repeats…

But what am I looking for? I’m not sure I can answer that now. I think about sex and there are two fellows that come to mind: my last boyfriend (who would spazz if I booty called him this many months later) and one other, who I am not currently dating and never really have. I’ve said before that none of the new guys I’ve met have inspired any desires to run home and make pornos with them. I’ve certainly captured some men’s interest in this vein…there’s just something that’s not a vibe match for me.

And then I think about the long haul, and I don’t think I want to find that man right this minute, either. I’m just not sure I’m ready.

So what’s my happy medium? Finding someone I like, and to whom I’m wildly attracted, who’s great a conversation and fun, to date and share physically, who is willing (and capable) of monogamy. If he had longer-term potential, I’d be okay with that, too, I think…I just don’t want to know it right away.

weary of this business

Today I’m feeling very weary of this online business. I’m ignoring my inbox and dreading talking to any of the gentlemen I’ve been dating. Malaise it is. And I’m okay with it, so I’ll take a break until tomorrow, when I feel better…or I’ll take down my profile. Who knows?!

A male friend of mine who’s been on forever recently took his own profile down. I was surprised, because he’d gone through a streak of going on dates several times per week. I suspect it’s fatigue, or maybe even an STD. I’d be fatigued, too. I am fatigued…kind of.

Thing is, the more I date, the more I discover that I’m not really looking for a relationship right now… My life is too full as it is. I am regularly trying to figure out how to fit in the housework, the yard work, fun family time and exercise. While juggling several dates into every free weekend seemed fun and exciting for a while, the allure has vanished.

I’m pretty sure I’d find the time if I met someone special, but I don’t think I have…at least I think I’d know, feel some gravitational pull or something…or that desire to make home pornos.

home videos and other nuggets

I feel as though I’ve really met A LOT of men these past few months — some of them are great guys, many of them an intellectual match…but, so far, I haven’t met anyone I want to make home-made pornos with. Not that I would make home-made pornos, mind you, but I haven’t felt that sort of connection or desire to get naked with any of these guys I’ve met…yet. I’m willing to be patient, to give things time to develop…but I’m kinda doubtful that I’m gonna get to where I’m feelin’ it with anyone I’ve met thus far. There’s just no chemistry. (Which might explain my contemplating looking for a lover.)

A few weeks ago, my ex boyfriend recommended I read “Why You’re Not Married Yet,” by Tracy McMillan, especially the chapters entitled something like, “Because You’re a Dude” and “Because You’re Godless.” I agree with one of these, by the way. In fact, I wrote about it many months ago, acknowledging that it’s difficult for me to step outside of the in-charge role I have both in the workplace and at home. I was momentarily put off by his recommendation, but perused those chapters while in a local bookstore — I found it a good reminder and, unlike the language might suggest, not at all grating.

While nearly everyone agreed that the guy who wrote that arrogant message the other day was a total douche, I ran across another over the weekend: He noted that he like the opening in my profile and said that he didn’t think we take enough time to be playful and childlike and laugh. Promising, right? So I wrote back that I liked the closing comments in his profile and that, were we ever to get together, we would surely find much to laugh about. He challenged me to be spontaneous and meet him yet that night, leaving his digits. I had other commitments (like seeing a friend who lives in an exotic foreign country who I’m likely to see just once a year). I texted him later, during a lull in the energy, but didn’t hear back until morning, when he wrote something along the lines of making decisions based on others’ decisions. Which — translated — meant that, since I didn’t drop everything to make plans with him the night before, he wasn’t interested (thereby confirming I’d made the right decision). The friends and colleagues who’ve heard about that one agreed that he’s an even bigger douche than the narcissist.

Remember more-like-it? Well, I was taking a walk with my date the other day and, where the walking path meets the bike path, ran in to him on his bicycle. Yep, still somethin’ pretty cute about that guy!

the big 3-0-0

It’s hard to believe this is my 300th post here — and I have yet to run out of things to stay, stories to share and situations to offer for discussion. What a rewarding journey it’s been to share my perspective and to read your responses!

It goes without saying that I have a few new stories to tell:

First, about one of those four dudes in four days, I wrote: “One of the fellows was more stifled that the others, and I couldn’t figure out whether his obscure interests were a merely result of having worked hard at being different from everyone else or if they had somehow (how?!) evolved more naturally.” He had confessed to being very in to a capella folk music from some obscure region of the southeast and writing historical epic poetry, for example. We texted back and forth a few times and, when he asked me to meet again, I politely replied, “I think I may be too mainstream for you.” Which proves there’s a first time for everything, I guess. He responded in good humor, and confessed to holding back even more geeky details, such as enjoying trips to comic book conventions and the like… My opinion? Going to Comic Con is far more palatable than a capella folk music… just sayin’! Geek can be chic, and I’d be totally in to a geek in moderation.
I recently also wrote about potentially taking a lover. One of my male friends has courageously offered himself for the role; however, I have to decline as he does not meet my very specific criteria. I’m far too likely to develop feelings for him…which isn’t going to work out at this juncture (for reasons on which I’d rather not elaborate).
Regarding my last post about the incredibly arrogant message I received in my inbox (which was, I am grateful to say, is an anomaly), I finally heard from a friend what I think my be the best “zinger” with which to reply: “Funny, that’s exactly what the guy before you wrote.”
Finally, in sharing the story of the previous message at happy hour yesterday, a co-worker pulled up an email from a friend of his. It had been forwarded by said friend to gleefully share the craziness of the woman who’d written it — and I’m sure it was enough to make most men wish they were single and might find themselves in bed with just such a woman. To the best of my recollection (I was asked to read this missive aloud for the group), this woman had written an ode to her sexual experience with this man, commenting on his body hair (wishing to watch as it went from slick against his body after a shower to dry and curly) and on his stomach (which was just round enough to create some distance and made far more interesting noises than her father’s had in her memories of snuggling against it as a girl) and used colorful words like “nuggetry” (which she would like to lick) and “schween” in discussing his privates. Of course I begged my co-worker to send this message to me so that I could share it here…he declined, having made a commitment to not publish it. Which I guess would be anyone’s obvious response to such weirdness… So do you think the friend saw the crazy woman again? Hell yes! What guy wouldn’t want to spend more time with a woman who writes an ode like this to his body? It certainly suggests enthusiasm, if nothing else…I just can’t imagine he’d take her out in public.

So it seems the stories and sharing will continue here. I hope you’ll all come back and check in from time to time!

the narcissist in my inbox

Not gonna lie: since I’ve begun online dating again, my profile is on fire! And, whether it’s what I’ve written in my profile or the cosmic universe juice I’m putting out there, I’m getting a lot of thoughtful, considerate messages from what I’d consider quality men.

This morning, I awoke to find a message that was decidedly not one of those. Read for yourself:

“Hey sweet thing. I just wanted to let you know that that guy who emailed you right after me? He sucks. Really. He doesn’t deserve to get the time of day from a hottie like yourself. Listen, my schedule is super busy but I think you may be worth a shot. If you’re not interested in a sexy, successful man, I’m sure there are plenty of losers like that other guy in your mailbox.”

This was so juicy I had to learn more…but first, I posted the message on Facebook and asked my friends to weigh in on how I ought to respond. And then I had a look at his profile: his self-summary was more of the same attitude, he’s 6’2″, earns between $50 and $60k per year and photos showed a body that I would describe as “too much muscle.” (In other words, I suspect he might benefit from devoting a little more time and energy to developing some intellectual pursuits or depth of character in addition to all that time in the gym.) Oh…and he replies to messages frequently (which kind of contradicts his comment about being “super busy”).

I then checked back in on my friends’ feedback:

Some immediately noticed that he used the words “thing” and “hottie,” which clearly demonstrates that he’s objectifying women.
It was suggested — and I agree it’s likely — that this is a “copy and paste” approach. But it’s difficult for me to imagine that he’s had any success with it so far…
Many suggested I should not reply at all. I am, of course, tempted to shoot back an equally obnoxious “shut down,” perhaps as one friend suggested: “You ARE the loser in my inbox.”
One male suggested I meet him for dinner then, after eating, tell him what a douche / ass he is and leave.
One woman asked if his salary alone was a deal breaker. Um, when you’re calling yourself “super successful”… yes.
Another suggested that he was overcompensating for what would certainly be a disappointing bedroom experience.
Finally, another man suggested I collect donations for recording equipment and capture on video a date with this fellow. Then, it would all be posted to a site where contributors could watch every excruciating moment.

The thing that I noticed first — and yet no one else commented on it — was that he felt it necessary to put others down in order to lift himself up. Even more than “thing,” this was a huge red flag for me, and clearly no one I’d ever consider as “date material” or a promising relationship partner. Of course I also noticed the inherent arrogance in his posturing, especially the bit about being “super successful, super hot,” etc. Truth is, I happen to know several “super successful” people, and there’s not a one of them who is so lacking in humility, appreciation and gratitude for their abundance — which, by the way, vastly exceeds $60k per year.

My final take on the subject? If some woman actually falls for that crap, the two of them clearly deserve each other!

love and a new back splash

Every so often, I take a moment to ponder whether I should be dating more tactically. By that, I mean, should I date a construction worker or craftsman? Because I might be able to get some stuff done around the house that way…

Alas, I suspect this might begin well, but end in one of those the-cobbler’s-children-have-no-shoes scenarios. Furthermore, I suspect I could feel intellectually stymied in short order.

And, frankly, the whole idea of giving to get is off-putting to me: I’d like to naturally connect with someone who is as crazy about me as I am about him and have a relatively equal exchange of wonderment and gloriousness and sextacy. Which will require someone special, who I have yet to meet. I think.

Don’t get me wrong: I am not above dating someone who is intelligent and articulate and has chosen construction work as a career…I just assume that it’s more likely to work if he owns the company and has a college education. I don’t say that because I’m some sort of elitist princess, but just based on the experiences I’ve had in dating and interacting so far.

However, so far has gotten me nowhere…which brings me back to my question: should I take a more Machiavellian approach and date to get something done? Who knows — love could happen, and so could a new back splash.

who’s on first?

I had a second date with a fellow who called it our first date. Really this is all semantics and I don’t want to belabor the point but, having agreed to meet in person after virtually meeting (online), our first meeting over coffee would generally be considered our first date. Agree? And especially since he brought me a gift and bought my coffee.

He then asked me out on a date date. And it was like a throw back to the fifties or something: He insisted upon picking me up, he brought flowers (a dozen red roses, more on that later), he took me to dinner, then to the theatre and dropped me at home as would a proper teenage boy right out of “Leave It To Beaver.” Besides the flowers, he arrived bearing other gifts — a book and a small trinket.

Let’s rehash this event with a discerning eye:

I’ve already made it clear that I appreciate a man with manners — and it’s definitely okay if he’s a little old-fashioned in some ways, too. So I’m fine with his considering this our first proper date and some of those 1950-ish behaviors that went with it. In fact, it was really nice to be taken out — on what might be considered a special dinner and theatre date.
A gentleman also attends to a woman’s comfort — and, not gonna lie, it was a little weird for me to let him know where I live so soon. I almost let him know I’d meet him at the restaurant, but it’s kind of easy to believe this one’s not harmful in any way. At any rate, a guy might want to consider this in his planning.
A dozen red roses? Really? I can’t help but feel that a) they’re too much of a “love / valentine’s” statement for a first — or second — date and b) they are just sooo unoriginal. I like to think I’m unique, one-of-a-kind, especially in the eyes of a potential romantic interest…so, ideally, he’d go into a shop and say, “I’m meeting a beautiful woman, and I’d like to find something as beautiful and unique as she is…” I suppose that, to some men, this may be akin to asking for directions. Even a few tulips or lilies that could be carelessly dropped into a glass of water would give that effortless impression of confidence and class in a case like this.
Gifts: I am a complete sucker for gifts. I love giving and receiving gifts. For whatever inexplicable reason, this matters to me. And I’ve finally gotten over the need to pretend that it doesn’t. And, no, I don’t think that means I’m materialistic. So I like it that he’s thinking of things to give me to put a smile on my face. I am not put off by this. As a matter of fact, I know a woman who was given a sporty little convertible (the expensive sort, of German make) for her “Trick or Treat” on Halloween by her husband. Over the top? Not at all, as far as I’m concerned. However, rather than point out how difficult it was to find the bauble (by which I was baffled), I’d recommend a man pretend it was easy. I know he was trying to convey that he thought about me and spent actual effort toward that end, but he was kinda trying too hard for such an insignificant trinket.
It was also nice to be told that I looked very pretty — and I positively looked my best. I had a good hair night, my skin was aglow with the sun’s kiss, and I wore a lovely, if conservative, black sheath dress that crept a little short for comfort as we sat next to one another in the theatre. As always, the key is confidence and balance — if one goes on too much about how beautiful / sexy / attractive a woman is, it’s almost as though he’s acknowledging that he thinks she’s way too hot for him. (At least that’s kind of the way it seemed, as though he thought I was out of his league, at least in looks — and that doesn’t reflect well on him.)
At dinner, he used improper fork / knife technique while cutting his entrée. (And, wow!, does that ever make me sound priggish! Please discuss. I would like to know if anyone else is put off by this sort of thing.)
Throughout the entire show, as we sat side-by-side, I caught him looking at my hands, hoping for an opening so that he could take one of them. I would prefer a man feels comfortable enough in himself to reach out naturally and break the touch barrier.
In the end (for reasons unrelated to our date), I was completely exhausted and asked him to take me home immediately following the performance we’d seen. He obliged and walked me to my front door before giving me a sterile good night kiss.
Aside from some of this awkwardness, he has some wonderful qualities, including intelligence, wit, humor and a certain amount of ambition. He is clearly thoughtful and the type who plans ahead.

Will I see him again? Probably, based on what I already acknowledged in my last post. After all, few of the complaints I’ve listed here — and I’m sure I must sound like a complete bitch or princess or something — really matter in the course of a relationship. And that’s what I’m looking for, a relationship (and not a perfect understanding of how I might perceive one’s “second date technique.”) In other words, I won’t judge a book by its cover.

However, I will suggest something more casual for next time, so that I can discern whether there’s some potential while we’re both at ease.

second dates suck

First dates are pretty easy; I feel confident in my ability to keep the small talk going with just about anyone. I went on two dates last weekend and I’ve concluded that second dates suck!

Here’s why:

You’ve covered the basics of conversation and may have to work harder to keep the dialogue flowing smoothly.
I find that men who really want to impress a woman end up feeling more nervous and awkward, and either go completely overboard trying to impress or try to play it cool and come off like an ass.
Breaking the physical touch barrier can be awkward. It’s so easy to think back about how natural it felt to be physically close to my last boyfriend, for example…and it’s easy to forget that there was a time, as we were getting to know one another, during which it didn’t feel natural and we had to invest time building a level of physical comfort. So I’m trying to be my relaxed, friendly, flirtatious self …but…if I don’t feel chemistry with a guy, I’m not going to give off the kind of cues that encourage or welcome his touch. Sometimes it takes time for that sort of ease and desire to grow. Other men take just a little too much charge and aim for the epiglottis with the tongue.

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. In fact, one of my close friends told me about starting to date her husband: After the first date, she had felt such a connection and promise that she really looked forward to seeing him again. The second date was awkward and uncomfortable (because he was so nervous). She wondered if she’d only imagined all the great potential she’d felt during the first date. Luckily for her, she gave it another chance and, starting with their third date, they really started to get their footing. Now they’ve been married for three years, bought a home together and have a child.

So here’s what it all comes down to: Basically everyone gets a free pass on the second date — at least if the first meeting went well — because you’ve got to get past the weirdness of it and give it a chance. At least that’s my take.

Trust me when I say there’s plenty of weirdness…like the guy I met for coffee and a walk who then asked me out for our “first date” (really our second)…more on that next.

p.s. Don’t you just love the word epiglottis?!

four dudes in four days

So today I enjoyed lunch at an ethnic bistro tucked away in a part of town I don’t normally get to. “Why?”

Because I was on my fourth first date in as many days.

Here’s a summary:

At least three of these four gents were better company than the two I met on my last footloose and fancy-free weekend.
Two of four share the sun sign Aquarius (who are supposed to make a good match for this Libra); the others were a Scorpio and Virgo (not so likely to be good mates for me).
In no particular order: lawyer, artist, IT, civil service.
I enjoyed coffee (iced tea, actually) and a (very hot and humid) walk; musical theatre and sushi; upscale fusion bistro (small plates with sparkling wine); and today’s ethnic lunch.
One of the gentlemen arrived with a gift — a book related to the subject of a conversation we’d had. He later complimented me on my hair and my engaging conversation.
One guy was from out-of-town. He was traveling for some creative work and proved far cuter and far more engaging than his profile might have suggested. Glad I took a chance to meet him, but didn’t get too caught up, as he leaves town later this week. Still, nice lips.
One of the fellows confessed to having listed his $60k income because, he explained, “since it’s not very much, I want to be really up front about it.” Admirable reasoning, I thought. And he seems genuinely passionate about his work for the greater good.
One of the fellows was more stifled that the others, and I couldn’t figure out whether his obscure interests were a merely result of having worked hard at being different from everyone else or if they had somehow (how?!) evolved more naturally.
I can’t figure out if one of them is merely looking for a beard…

At any rate, here are some self observations:

I must be relaxing and getting good at this, because everyone I meet seems to want to see me again.
I’m attracting men who are within the range of what I’d call “intellectual equals.” (Thank heavens, after so many conversations that went nowhere last summer.)
Most are even better looking than their profile pictures — a pleasant discovery.
I’m having fun!
I’m not feeling raging chemistry for any of them, but could rank them if pressed. I’m willing to give it time and see if something develops (but I know that, for one at least, it won’t).
It’s sort of exhausting.

In any case, I’d better rest up (and save my pocket change for the sitter) — on my next available weekend, I’m going to be dripping in dates!

my new dating philosophy

I never got a chance to discuss my new dating philosophy last autumn, because I went straight from not seeing anyone to seeing someone exclusively. Which was kind of against my new philosophy, really. But it’s not always easy to implement a philosophy into action when it’s new, right?

So here goes:

I’m meeting people and I’m enjoying every experience. I’m learning more about my likes and dislikes and myself in relation to experiences with others. Liken it to being in a chocolate boutique, trying a small amount of that which looks good to me and continuing to circle the store, checking out the options, sampling as I go, believing that I’ll know when I find the flavor that’s a perfect fit for my palate. Except that I’m engaging more than my senses of taste and smell, but also my feelings and intellect.

As I woman, my natural tendency is to become too easily drawn in to the notion that the one I’m seeing could be the one — and developing those kinds of hopeful, yearning, attached feelings too early on can be unhealthy. It’s when we get caught in that place that we allow ourselves to be treated as “less than,” to get too physical before we’re emotionally prepared or on the same page as a man, or stand on unequal footing from our male counterpart who is “just dating.” In other words, I’m trying to view dating more like a man does — as a fun process of getting to meet people, get to know them and take my time determining whether they’re someone I’d like in my life.

I’m not alone in this approach. In fact, I’ve been clued in by the teachings of Mama Gena and by learning about what Rori Raye calls “circular dating.”

As such, I’ve become better at being direct about certain things while suspending judgement about others. And I’m having fun! I’ll write more about the dates I’ve had this weekend a little later.