put on “keep warm” status

Guys do this to us. They stay in contact, loosely, leaving us on the back burner and checking in every so often, just to make sure we’re still “warm.”

Heck, I’m pretty sure you could characterize more-like-it‘s behavior toward me this way… For awhile, he’d reach out once every week or two just to say “hey,” sometimes to say something suggestive, but not ever to take action. I liked him, still do…but it was infuriating. Infuriating because I wanted him to call and say, “Hey, when can I see you?” or something much more forward.

Some girlfriends and I sat on a patio with cocktails one evening chatting about this “keep warm” thing men do to us. And here’s what we concluded: Why shouldn’t we do it to them?

being adored

In addition to learning to be vulnerable all over again, I find that there’s a bit of an adjustment period to allowing one’s self to be appreciated. Goodness me, it’s sometimes difficult and uncomfortable to accept a steady stream of kind, thoughtful and flattering words, behaviors and attention! It’s been a long time since a fella has adored me for being me — all of me, which can be a lot! — and one hardly knows what to make of it all…

I find that I have three conflicting (and rather telling) automatic responses to all of this:

The first is to be skeptical and suspicious, to wonder if I’m being flattered to some end, or played. But as I quickly rule this out, I wonder:
Have I aimed too low? Is this man who seems to adore me putting me on some sort of pedestal? Does he worship me because I’m somehow a better combination of smarter and prettier than he’s dated in the past? (Egad, this appears so narcissistic in black and white!) Stated even more plainly: “He likes me; what on earth is wrong with him?!”
Finally, I have to concede that it’s possible that a kind, intelligent and attractive man simply enjoys my company, respects me, finds me attractive, and treats me as I ought to be treated.

Let me point out that I think it’s big of me to admit the kind of bullshit that I’ve uncovered in my psyche. Here’s the truth: I’ve always gone for really attractive men — often the kind of men who are out of reach, unattainable, narcissistic, or who I somehow end up feeling that I have to chase or do something to be worthy. I may have felt I’d achieved something by “getting” that kind of man in the past (for the time we were together) but, in the end, there was always a part of me that ended up feeling insecure in ways.

This time, it’s different. I know that for a relationship to be successful, I’m going to need to let someone into my life who adores me for just being who I am. I wrote earlier about paying attention to my feelings, observing a man’s behavior and actually putting some of the “dating theory” type stuff I’ve learned into practice. A man will demonstrate the type of person he is. He will show me right from the beginning how he intends to treat me. And I will create very clear expectations.

I see myself doing this in relationship to a beau these days and, against all odds, these new behaviors, attitudes and perspective are coming quite naturally to the fierce new me: I let him call, plan and make dinner reservations; I allow him to buy me dinner; I expect him to open doors for me and offer me his coat when I’m chilled; I don’t protest when he says or does something kind; I surrender to his putting my pleasure before his own. And I find I’m quite okay with being adored!

getting tested

Woo hoo! It seems I’ve made it past the interview stage, into not only hand-holding and smooching, but also into the stage of frank and mature discussions about health…that is, sexual histories, STDs and how to enjoy these blessed bodies in a way that’s respectful and safe.

My beau brought up the discussion under the guise of talking about dating. I thought we might talk about dating philosophy or have that discussion that two people who’ve met online frequently have about continuing to see and or meet other people. (Which, by the way, is fine with me…because I’d rather a fella meet a lot of people and feel absolutely certain that I’m the one for him.) Instead, he brought up sexual history, number of partners (for the record, I stopped counting more than a decade ago) and STDs.

For a moment, some of these questions seemed rather blunt…that is, until he followed up with, “I’ve had one.”

It turns out he was once exposed to HPV, the virus which, depending on the strain, can cause either genital warts or cervical cancer. Neither of which sounds all that appealing to me. Nor does this virus, which is carried and passed along by so many that middle school children are routinely offered a vaccination to prevent it, seem like a daunting hurdle to a healthy sex life. After all, I would expect that a man wear condoms anyway — at least in the initial stages of a relationship, before longer-term solutions are considered.

Still, there are many questions:

Does the risk go away? Is this something that, because he got it, he still has? Or might his immune system have rid his body of it?
Have I ever been exposed (I mean previously, by someone else)? Is it possible to have had and built up my own immunity?
How is it contracted? Might touch or saliva expose one to risk and how much?
What, if anything, might I have been exposed to or be carrying around with me?
What else don’t I know? What other questions should I be asking?

For the record, I’ve never had reason to suspect that anything was awry down there. I feel and, by all appearances, am healthy. My most recent relationship was long-term and monogamous…as far as I know. My annual exams have always produced “normal” results. And, since, I’ve had only a few partners and with whom I’d say I’ve had “safe” sex.

But I’ve heard stories, too.

The safest, smartest and most respectful decision I can make for both myself and my partner is to get tested, learn the facts and educate myself as much as possible about all the risks and issues of being sexually active. And that’s why I’ve scheduled an appointment at my OB / GYN’s office for this week. Cross fingers there are no surprises.

the things I didn’t know

I don’t know whether I know how to be truly vulnerable or how to be okay with being vulnerable.

There. I said it. The “v” word seems a little frightening to me.

I don’t know how to confess all my past sins and be completely open and be loved in spite of and for all the baggage and reality of me. What I know how to do is move on, power through, push forward, sometimes as though a bull in a China shop…a bull with a smile on my face.

But I’m learning: I’m learning how to be soft on the outside and strong on the inside. I’m learning to speak my truth and trust that I won’t be judged for the worst of it, but instead as a complete, whole and sometimes complicated woman. And I’m learning how to slowly step backward and allow a man to move toward me, and to let him think he’s leading this dance.

what does your dating résumé say?

First dates sometimes feel an awful lot like interviews. I’ve recounted the inevitable sharing of divorce stories amongst those of us who find ourselves back on the market, and even single girlfriends in their twenties talk about the pressure to have a good answer to, “why is a great woman like you still available?” (For the record, I have not had to answer that one…yet.) One begins to wonder if the answers to such questions and other details offered are catalogued by our dates as some sort of dating résumé.

The dating résumé is about far more than the length and / or quality of past romantic relationships; it’s also likely to include (in no particular order):

success indicators: career, title, earnings and assets;
maturity markers: children, home ownership and other activities often associated with becoming an adult;
domestication: pet ownership, household skills or hobbies (gardening, cooking, etc.);
relationships: long-term friendships, close and stable family, parental marital status;
virility: physical health and likelihood of longevity — i.e. does he take care of himself?; and
miscellaneous: does he snore? and other such seemingly small but nonetheless grating characteristics that appear innocuous or forgivable through the rose-colored glasses of romance but not after a decade of marriage, i.e. spousal-induced insomnia.

I like to think that my dating résumé looks fairly respectable: I was in a long-term stable relationship, during which I birthed two amazing children (who no longer require such intolerably high maintenance as might scare a decent fellow away); I earn all right; I own a home (except for the bit the bank owns, which is most of it); I’m usually fiscally responsible (I mean, aside from these past several months)… But, in truth, all this is because I am generally unwilling to casually disclose the real dirt, the skeletons hiding in my closet, that might make me look less than glowing. Best foot forward, as they say…right?

So…I’ve been out with aggravated assault a few times (a moniker that belies his maturity and gentle nature and could, in fact, be described as ironic). He’s forthrightly poured out probably every fault, failing and foible. Even some of his selling points — never married, no children, successful in a job that kept him moving every few years — are of dubious distinction. While I won’t dish about the ungodly long list of damning details, I finally remarked a few days ago, “You don’t look so good on paper.”

To his credit (or perhaps the credit is due his meds), he laughed and agreed. Then, in a move of cunning emotional jujitsu, he came up with even more reasons why I might find him un-datable. And all I can say is “Man, that reverse psychology shit works!” My brain immediately went to, “Oh, well if that’s all, it can’t be so bad, can it?”

Not knowing the details, you might be thinking, “Lord, woman, how desperate are you?!”

Or, like my mother, you may advise, “Well, don’t rule him out…yet.”

What does your dating résumé say?

my, how I’ve grown!

If you look back to when I first began writing this blog, there was a lot of purging and a lot of stuff about the failure of my relationship. It must have been cathartic, because it’s rare that the anger, resentment or blame flares up anymore. In fact, while I’ll confess to anyone that I still care for my ex (he is, after all, the father of my children), I’m detached about it. I would never go back to our relationship or him. When I dropped off the children the other day, he hugged me and told me that he loves me very, very much…and the only thought that came to mind was “have you been drinking?”

Amidst the un-flings and failed attempts to get laid or find romance these past months, I’ve largely healed my heart and re-set my standards. Perhaps it sounds odd that I even needed to re-set my standards…and, yet, I clearly once accepted so little for myself that they were due a bit of re-calibration. And to do so, my self-esteem needed an overhaul. Leaving a stressful job, spending lots of quality time with family and friends, yoga, meditation and a healthy diet have worked wonders. In many ways, I’m restored with a much more solid sense of self. And, while I’m feeling great, I plan to keep up positive momentum on that front.

I’m also getting better at catching myself when I fall into old patterns of behavior. I’ve noticed and curbed impulses to use behaviors associated with masculine energy in relationships with men — if he’s not providing it, I’m not interested. And I’ve dialed back my need to mother people who are (technically) no longer children. I’m grateful to have been able to take the time to glean the lessons of my failed relationship and grow from them. While dysfunctional behaviors that I’m not yet aware of are likely to reveal themselves as I explore new relationships, I’m going to be gentle with myself and my “other,” and I’m going to be a lot better at forgiving myself when I make mistakes. These are joyful discoveries for me — they bring me closer to realization of the woman I want to be.

Perhaps best of all are the great qualities I feel expanding — courage, patience, deservingness, trust, allowance and good humor seem to be blossoming within me. My “vibe” is more consistently positive than ever before.

These are good days. I am enjoying among the best times ever with my children (our recent vacation was amazing — they’ve just reached an entirely new level of fun, interest and expression), and I’m putting into practice so many of the relationship tools I’ve learned in the past several months — even some of those tips that involve relating with men. While I’m not about to report anything, I couldn’t be more thrilled with the way things are going!

in favor of love

It’s a daily struggle for me to balance my raging 40-year-old libido with my greater desire for meaningful connection and partnership.

While it’s tempting to revel in the hedonistic pleasures of casual sex, I am trying to stay focused on the long-term. I’m saying no to casual offers in order to nurture my deeper desires. On a spiritual level, I’m demonstrating to the universe what’s important to me and asking for support in attracting my soul mate. In essence, I’m energetically “voting” for something more meaningful. On a purely physical level, this can be maddening.

I found myself tested a couple of days ago, while driving home from my Chicago vacation. A (married, with a hall pass) male friend texted me, “Read your blog. You deserve better.” He was referring to Chi-guy, of course. He then volunteered to give me a massage that very evening (he is professionally trained), an offer that was likely to lead to some very fuzzy boundaries at the least and several guilt-inducing orgasms at most. (Imagine me, raised in neither the Jewish nor Catholic traditions, feeling guilt! It’s a feeling that has eluded me most of my life.) Whether with a married or single man, it would be easy to allow such a dalliance to distract me from what I really want.

So I made a different choice: I called a new friend and asked him to meet me for a late movie, leaving out any mention of the misbehavior from which he might be saving me. Instead, we opted for conversation on the lovely patio of an historic restaurant in an old neighborhood…and I daresay the stimulating conversation was more satisfying, though in an entirely different way, than that hot night of sex I may have missed out on.

witnessing the shift

I am in a completely different place than I’ve ever been before: I feel empowered, strong and clear in a way that I probably haven’t ever before in my life.

Let me explain…

I’ve been using creative visualization, conscious intent, meditation and gratitude to heal my heart, transform my energy and get my head on straight. And, despite my deep desire for partnership, I am finally un-stuck to the outcome. In other words, I’m detached. I’ve set my intent, asked the universe to deliver and let go of the need to control how things manifest.

As it relates to dating, here’s how this shift has affected my mindset:

I’ve started to enjoy dating. I go out to meet people and practice leaning back in to my feminine energy. I know that the universe has a spectacular sense of humor, so I just open myself to where the experience might go. I’m laughing about that guy I’ve seen twice who keeps finding ways to tell me that there’s no chance for romance between us…but then wants to see me again. Whatever!
I trust that I’ve attracted people into my life for a reason. I stay attuned to whatever that lesson or gift might be.
I may offer or suggest, but I won’t chase. I may lead or invite, but I don’t make the first move. I let him manage the accelerator; I’ll be ready to brake, if necessary.
I shrug off rejection. His loss. He’s doing me a favor by opting out early. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone I had to convince to like me. And I’ll take whatever gift or lesson I might have learned from the experience. As my good friend Max said, “When a woman chases men, she always catches the weak ones first.”
I enter situations with no expectations. Look at my recent trip to Chicago… Sure, I hoped to share a few moments of closeness with Chi-guy. Instead, I learned that he’s in a relationship and didn’t tell me about it. There was a time that I might have been hurt or upset to learn this. Now, I’m bemused and curious about why he didn’t mention it (is it because he likes my attention?), and I was only very slightly saddened and disappointed. In fact, I was surprised at how un-emotional I was about it…because I knew that he was doing me a favor. If a man thinks he has nothing to offer me…well, then, he clearly doesn’t.
I’m flirting with all kinds of men and women in all kinds of situations. I like to flirt; I feel good, and it makes others feel good. It keeps me in touch with my pleasure center.
I say “yes” more often. I ask for help and accept it. I’m open to support.
I’m saying “no” to distractions to what I want. As much as my 40-year-old libido would love some satisfaction, I’m just not interested without the rewards of emotional intimacy. I’m holding out for the relationship.
I know the right man for me will be strong, masculine and forgiving. And, most of all, he will demonstrate through action that he truly and deeply wants to make me happy.
I am deeply grateful for the very masculine attention I receive. It’s wonderful to notice!

In summary, my boundaries are healthier than ever, I have greater clarity and I’m genuinely happy in my life. I’m pleased with the choices I’m making and the direction I’m going. Even though I haven’t manifested that amazing ideal job, life partner or other desires, I’m relaxed and peaceful about it. These things are coming to me — I can feel it!

bad breakup? vent online

So I’ve just discovered an entirely niche genre of website, which is absolutely new to me. Their URLs provide as good a description as I might be able to conjure:

And there are even several Facebook groups with similar names and purposes.

The take-away is that, if you’ve dated a con artist or dirtbag, you’re no longer limited to venting to family and friends — you can now virtually tell the entire world. The downside, I suppose, is that most relationship stories have two sides and just one of them could ruin the other’s reputation.

I discovered these sites while looking into this fellow several days ago now. I’m delighted to report that he didn’t make any of the lists. And I enjoyed a lovely evening under the stars with him last night.

the Chicago trip Chi-guy wrap

Having mentioned my Chicago family vacation and seeing Chi-guy, I feel somewhat obligated to provide a bit of a summary. And it’s been a few days since my last post…

First, let me divulge that I know my feelings for Chi-guy have been deeper and stronger than they’ve ever had reason to be. I have such love for this man, this flawed fellow human — it’s almost as though we’ve gone through some terrifying, exhilarating experience together (i.e. parallel divorces) that’s bonded us…except I’m not sure whether he feels that bond, at least not in the same way. At any rate, he is just a regular man. Amazing in some ways — witty, playful, so smart, sexy, handsome — and flawed in others: overindulgent as a father, cynical, and sometimes his humor veers toward mean funny (as I once described as douchebag humor in this post about him).

Let me also say that I’m done chasing men and have learned to let go of expectations. I had no thoughts that anything romantic or physical might happen — particularly since I was traveling with children (one of whom refuses to go to sleep in new / strange places without me). Still, there was a twinkling of hopeful “what if?” in the back of my mind…

Here’s what didn’t happen:

Romantic interludes or overtures: he did not seek me out after our children had fallen asleep to wrap his arms around me and make-out (fun though that might have been)…but we did get to spend a little quality time chatting on his deck. And we didn’t enact this shower fantasy of mine.
Falling more deeply into infatuation: I love this man. I don’t even know why, really. But it’s the sort of agape feeling of wanting the best for another and letting go. I have no pangs of yearning or wantonness for him (that I think I probably did several months ago).

So what happened?

We drove to his place and he dropped us at our downtown hotel, since the parking is free and convenient in his neighborhood.
He gave us a couple of museum family passes to enjoy some of the grand attractions in the city.
He picked us back up a couple of days later and took us for dinner, and then we had a sleepover play date (involving that horrid creation, the inflatable air bed) with him and his daughter.
He was ever the well-mannered, charming, generous man I’ve come to know, while still maintaining his boundaries.
His omitting the presence in his life of a girlfriend to me and a play date with me to her got him into a bit of hot water (with her, not me).