in favor of love

It’s a daily struggle for me to balance my raging 40-year-old libido with my greater desire for meaningful connection and partnership.

While it’s tempting to revel in the hedonistic pleasures of casual sex, I am trying to stay focused on the long-term. I’m saying no to casual offers in order to nurture my deeper desires. On a spiritual level, I’m demonstrating to the universe what’s important to me and asking for support in attracting my soul mate. In essence, I’m energetically “voting” for something more meaningful. On a purely physical level, this can be maddening.

I found myself tested a couple of days ago, while driving home from my Chicago vacation. A (married, with a hall pass) male friend texted me, “Read your blog. You deserve better.” He was referring to Chi-guy, of course. He then volunteered to give me a massage that very evening (he is professionally trained), an offer that was likely to lead to some very fuzzy boundaries at the least and several guilt-inducing orgasms at most. (Imagine me, raised in neither the Jewish nor Catholic traditions, feeling guilt! It’s a feeling that has eluded me most of my life.) Whether with a married or single man, it would be easy to allow such a dalliance to distract me from what I really want.

So I made a different choice:  I called a new friend and asked him to meet me for a late movie, leaving out any mention of the misbehavior from which he might be saving me. Instead, we opted for conversation on the lovely patio of an historic restaurant in an old neighborhood…and I daresay the stimulating conversation was more satisfying, though in an entirely different way, than that hot night of sex I may have missed out on.