he told me so

This past week or so, feeling like the fool I’ve been, I can’t help but make an observation:

Last year, I was in a relationship with a man who full-on loved me, who was ready, willing and able to commit to our relationship. And I couldn’t love him back in the same way. Even worse, when we were together, happy as I was, a part of me was always looking over his shoulder for someone more like the guy I called more-like-it, someone who seemed to be so much better a match, who seemed to have so much more in common with me.

When it ended, this former boyfriend of mine suggested I might need to get my heart broken a time or two in order to realize how dumb I’d been to let him — a decent man, a man who could commit — go. Seems he was right.

I thought I could play around. And then there were moments with more-like-it that made me think he was the type of man I could commit to. In the end…well, you’ve read about it…

And who was there to comfort me as I cried into my coffee? The kind, honest ex boyfriend…and he didn’t even say, “I told you so.”

Kind of ironic, don’t you think?

how not to be a coward

I mentioned about a week ago that I was hurt deeply by an inconsiderate and cowardly act of rejection via Facebook chat. The fact that I see this interaction as a gift, for it has brought me great clarity, does little to alleviate the very real grief I’m feeling.

So I’ve been thinking about how I would have preferred all this go down, and I have a few specific thoughts for anyone wishing to change or renegotiate the terms of an arrangement or relationship:

Practice radical honesty. It’s far more compassionate and respectful than dishonesty and avoidance. What might this mean? If a man doesn’t want to spend time with me, I’d rather hear, “I’m really busy for a couple of weeks. How about we cool it and regroup at the end of the month?” Or “My wants and needs are changing. Can we find a time to talk about what that might mean in person?” Stop the excuses; nobody’s really going to believe that you’re sick for three weeks straight.
Align words and deeds. Communicating that you care about me, respect me and value my friendship — via electronic media — while ending any physical or potential romantic interaction feels incredibly hypocritical. I wouldn’t have what I consider an important relationship discussion digitally, unless I genuinely didn’t care whether I heard from that person again. Caring, respect, value, friendship — any of these would recommend a more humane approach.
Stick to what’s relevant. There is no good reason why any man, in the course of a break-up (or its equivalent), should feel the need to share anything about another woman with whom he spent as much time as humanly possible over a two-week period, drove hours across state lines to see and spent time with her extended family. Given his disinclination to see me, this information merely added salt to an open wound. And I didn’t need a visual.
Master the art of apology. In my experience, folks (particularly men) would rather indignantly deny that they’ve done anything wrong than apologize. Guess what? It’s not about whether you’ve done something wrong. If someone else feels hurt by something you did, chances are there’s a part of that you can own up to and acknowledge, then genuinely apologize for. It goes something like this, “I’m really sorry; I failed to consider how important this was to you, and I will know in the future to behave differently. I really don’t want my foolishness to get in the way of our friendship.” Practice it. Use it more often than you think you should. Trust me, it won’t kill you. It won’t even hurt…unless you’re a narcissist and value your ego above all.

And, perhaps most importantly:

Communicate in person. Everyone deserves the simple common courtesy and respect of hearing what might be difficult or painful news face to face. Anything less is cowardly.

The sum of our choices equals our character. I’m chalking this experience up to a valuable life lesson. I hereby re-commit myself to acting with love and compassion toward others, being my best self and drawing clear and healthy boundaries.

ruling him out

Despite my post a week ago, I want to assure you that I am not, in fact heart-broken — it simply made a better headline than the reality of the situation. In fact, let me clarify some things:

This man by whom I felt so wounded was not my boyfriend. We were not, in fact, dating. We merely had an “arrangement.” Within the confines of such an arrangement, there was closeness, secrets shared, vulnerabilities, trust… And the basis for all of these things was friendship. I did not assume what we shared to be more than it was, nor did I have expectations that it would develop into something more. Certainly a part of me had some hope, as I experienced some very high highs while in his presence. But I wasn’t sensing or assuming that he was feeling that way.

Further, let me expand on a single word I’ve chosen in the previous paragraph: expectations. I had none about what would happen any given time we met or talked, or for the future. I didn’t read meaning into the time we spent together, words said or unsaid.

Thus, it wasn’t even really a breakup. It was simply a shitty-feeling situation…from which I am genuinely grieving.

In the end, as I look back on the whole unnatural beginning of it all, I forced the issue. The truth is, I felt such a strong connection and attraction to this man — yet I simultaneously had misgivings — that I had to know. It would have been difficult for me to move forward and commit myself fully to another man without knowing for sure that more-like-it simply was not and would never be “the one” — he just seemed too close to my ideal to let it go. Now I know. With certainty. What looks, feels and sounds good doesn’t always act it.

And, in the end, I discovered something I never imagined I’d say: he reminds me a lot of my wasband.

the horrors of love

Did you read the recent news about the man who shot and then dismembered his wife after she told him she was going to leave him? As the gruesome details of the story continue to emerge, the thing that strikes me above all is this:

This woman had her master’s degree in psychology. Her husband was a felon, convicted of a violent rape. What on Earth possessed this woman to fall for this man?

I’ve both seen and experienced that love is blind, but Wow! I can’t imagine how she ended up with him. I can see forgiving some past flaws or youthful indiscretions, but a violent rape? Difficult for a woman to overlook…

In any case, it’s a tragedy for all who knew and loved her, all who supported the couple and especially the couple’s child.

And the horror of this sort of love makes the relative awfulness of being single seem somehow tolerable, preferable even.

wanna break my heart? make an appointment

Yesterday my daughter came home and announced, “My friend just got broken up with in the worst way…by text.”

Not to be outdone, I replied, “Aww, that’s awful. I just got dumped via Facebook chat.”

“Wow! That’s even worse!,” she remarked.

And then, my eleven- and nine-year-old children had a conversation about the right way to break up with someone: face to face. Or, if there are geographic differences, Skype or a phone call are appropriate, as it turns out, according to these youngsters.

So…since around the first of the year and, if I’m honest about it, before the holidays, it’s been pretty clear that this casual lover thing wasn’t working out. As sometimes happens (who am I kidding? I really have no experience with this stuff and wouldn’t begin to know!), the more my feelings evolved, the more distant lover boy became.

And that’s okay, for all the reasons I’ve talked about in my past couple of posts. I really felt a strong new energy in 2013 and was prepared, once again, to consider welcoming a real relationship into my life. I made no assumptions that my infrequent lover was interested, regardless of how good it felt — I think for both of us — to spend time together.

We hadn’t communicated much over the holidays or New Year, what with both of us traveling and all… So, I waited it out. Finally, about a week ago, he texted and started trying to tell me a story. I immediately sensed where this text exchange was going to go and shut him down, proposing he tell me all about it the next time we got together…oh, and, by the way, Saturday would work.

No word. All week.

Sunday morning I noticed he was on Facebook chat and said hey. And he began again with the story, which was obviously important and relevant (to him). I played along, and pretty soon he was telling me about this woman he’d been hanging out with for a couple of weekends and I was like, “Seriously, we’re having this discussion via Facebook chat? Not cool.” He brushed off my comments with something about “digital age” and really needing to share, and since we hadn’t had a chance to see each other…which, you’ll recall, I’d given him the opportunity to do the very day before.

So I started to get just a little belligerent, with “so you’re embarking on a relationship with a woman going through a divorce who lives in another city?” which was really my way of saying, “get to the point, please, because I’m already pissed off by this whole situation!”

So even if we weren’t really dating, regardless how casual our relationship, I got dumped via Facebook chat…with the usual “let’s still be friends.” And I said I had to go.

As all this crap soaked in, I began to get really hurt. By the time I went to bed, I swear there was steam coming out of my ears. I was angry at him for treating me so disrespectfully and I was mad at myself for trusting him to be a steward of my feelings.

Of course I couldn’t sleep. So, finally, at 3:30am, I sent a message telling him how I was feeling — disrespected, undervalued, angry — and that, given all we’ve shared, I (we) deserved better; namely, an in-person conversation. To my surprise, by 4:15am, he had agreed that we should meet. Not sure how the part about meeting in person before / for the “I’m out” conversation got missed in his mind… I told him I needed space. p.s. Nowhere in any of this exchange was a genuine apology.

Bottom line on this breakup fail? Don’t do it using digital media. Ever. It’s cowardly, disrespectful and completely devalues another human being. (Sadly, it wasn’t the first time I’d witnessed cowardly behavior on his part.)

In other words: If you want to break my heart, make an effing appointment!

It’s been a long time since I felt so incredibly angry. I can’t remember the last time…really. So it was kind of cathartic. And empowering. And clarifying. And I’ve learned I can be pretty fierce!

closing the door on 2012

Yesterday, I offered a glimpse into an intention I’ve set for 2013. I’ve set several more, not to do with love or romantic relationships. At the same time, I’m closing the door on the past year, 2012.

What does this mean? The past year has been rewarding in many ways but, for whatever reason, the past few weeks of 2012 found me filled with anxiety, unsettled and dissatisfied. With all the end-of-year holidays, I’m sure I subjected my family to more disgruntled energy than I’d like.

I also embarked on a playful, physical relationship with a man, thinking I could keep it casual. As the year ended, I felt my energy shift and, suddenly, experimenting outside of a committed relationship didn’t seem so fun anymore. In its current form, it was always going to be temporary anyway, right? So it came to a mutual conclusion…not without its share of grief, for I’ve often sensed that our possibilities together were greater, even if I knew it wasn’t the most astute way to begin. At any rate, I was taking care of the urgent needs of the time which, now that they’ve shifted, has me mourning a loss.

Perhaps for those reasons, I felt the change in energy this new year in a way that I haven’t before, and I welcome and embrace all the new and positive to come.

In releasing the past and opening to the present, I want to share with you some of the highlights of the past year:

My children reached an age that has allowed me more freedom — and they’ve been granted financial support that allows us all to live more fully and with less stress or financial constraints.
I was loved fully, passionately and in a way that I haven’t been perhaps ever before in life. Nearly everything about my relationship with my ex boyfriend was nurturing, healing, loving and positive. It wasn’t ever going to be the right relationship, but we enjoyed laughter, great sex, intimacy, fun, healing and closeness. And, happily for me, we’ve more recently been loosely in touch and now call each other friends.
I spent quality time with another man and enjoyed an experience that may be difficult to fully describe, but I will try: When we talk, there are so many levels and dimensions in which we’re in synch…some people describe this as “getting lost in conversation;” to me, it’s more like being found in conversation — finding my ground, my voice, my essence, the me in me, and being 100% fully present, alive and available. In that, I was confident, at peace, secure — so many things. In those moments of togetherness, every cell in my body seemed to be standing up, leaning forward, saying “YES!” Imagine standing at the top of a mountain, looking out at the grand expanse — or staring out at the ocean — and feeling the most incredible sense of infinite possibility. THAT’s what it felt like to me when we were together, which is probably why I called him more-like-it from our first meeting.
With this same man, I experienced another profoundly positive phenomenon. Every time I asked anything of him (which, admittedly, was exceedingly rare), he went above and beyond, over-delivering in a way that was heartwarming and delightful. Perhaps this is a small thing but, having been trained by an unhealthy marriage dynamic to have exceedingly low hopes that even the most basic standard or requirement would be met, it was a revelation to experience a man in natural and joyous service to my desires.
I should not neglect to mention that I had some fun new physical / sexual experiences and sensations, and have a growing toy collection to better meet my own needs.

I am so grateful for these moments — and feelings that I may not have known were possible had it not been for the experiences of the past year — and I invite more of them into my life. YES!, Universe, that’s more like it! THIS is the juicy, sexy, wonderful stuff I want to feel more of in my relationship(s) in 2013.

setting my intentions for 2013

Briefly, and without going into too much detail, I’ve felt a bit of a shift in energy with the New Year and I’m thinking I’ll be looking for something a bit different; in terms of relationships, in 2013, I plan to let love in.

I look forward to welcoming easy, relaxed romance into my life…the kind of relationship that starts Sundays slow, both of us curled up on the sofa in our pajamas, drinking coffee, listening to acoustic tunes, reading the paper or a good book. It’s the sort of relationship that feels good, comfortable, secure — and fits like a favorite pair of worn-in jeans.

There’s nothing urgent here…I just feel it coming. I trust the universe.

…and, for some crazy reason, I envision a trip to London in early December with this fella…and I’m okay with that!

more on that life changing book

I’ve read several books on relationships in the past couple of years. While many have purported to give relationship advice, most have not been “how to” manuals. Many have mentioned masculine and feminine energy, but few have truly explained what that means.

So when a girlfriend lent me a “life changing” book on relationships, I didn’t really know what to expect. In fact, I don’t think I even looked at the cover or title; I just started reading. And, while clearly old school in a lot of ways, Dr. Patrician Allen’s and Sandra Harmon’s “Getting to ‘I Do:’ The Secret to Doing Relationships Right!” has some really solid advice (even if the title makes me cringe…a lot).

See…the thing is…I’ve never had any genuinely healthy models. By the time I was interested in relationships with boys, my mother had moved out. I had no positive relationship models at home and, as a tomboy, I wasn’t modeling my behavior after the girly girls. As an intelligent, early 90s feminist co-ed, I couldn’t abide the thought of “submitting” to a man.

As I’ve grown older, my perspective on what or how I may or may not be willing to compromise to enjoy the rewards of a healthy relationship has softened. I know with confidence that I prefer to be the feminine energy in a relationship. The problem? I didn’t know how, exactly, to do that, and I found few men who were capable of matching my intellect and strength, and who could confidently take on the role of masculine leadership. Those who were interested were always older and, often, married.

When I finally found a man I thought could love and cherish me, he lost his job (and his masculinity) and ended up staying home with our children. The role reversal wasn’t natural for us and, when we went to counseling, I was told bits of advice like, “Don’t put him in a corner” and “Don’t emasculate him.” Obviously, I would never try to do either of those things, but I didn’t even understand what these well-meaning therapists meant, much less what I might be doing to contribute to our problems.

This book has, in many ways, enlightened me.

While “getting to ‘I do'” is not a near-term objective, I’ve learned a lot about compromise — the way a woman may have to compromise to be with a strong man in a successful relationship — and about communicating in a successful relationship. Something about the way this particular book is written has helped me grasp these concepts in a more concrete way than many other articles or books on relationship advice I’ve read.

In sum, Getting offered useful tools and scripts for some potentially challenging relationship moments. I can see it being a manual of sorts for a young woman who is single, navigating a young relationship or in an early marriage. Even though the information seems a little less relevant to folks in my own situation — approaching middle age, not planning on “starting” a family, probably more desirous of sex than men my own age — I may buy a copy to keep on my own bedside table. At the very least, I’ll have some good advice to one day share with my daughter.

masculine feminine narcissist

A girlfriend just lent me one of those dating / relationship books she called “life changing.” I’d tell you the title and author if I weren’t too lazy to get up from my sofa, where I’m snuggled cozily under a soft blanket. So far, here’s the gist:

A relationship needs masculine and feminine energy. Men typically provide the masculine; women typically provide the feminine. Roles can certainly be reversed, as we’ve all seen, but it rarely works for a couple to switch back and forth between roles. Even those of us with a healthy balance of masculine and feminine energy tend to have one that feels more natural more of the time. (And, by the way, all of us are masculine all the time in our professional roles…well, I mean, those of us with office jobs.)

The feminine role is to respect and admire the masculine; the masculine role is to cherish the feminine.

In case you were wondering, there’s even a 15-question quiz you can do to determine whether you prefer to provide the masculine or feminine energy. I took it. When I looked at the answer key, I had to laugh. Most answers were categorized as masculine, feminine or narcissist. True confession: of my answers, 11 were feminine, two were masculine and two were narcissist.

What I ultimately realized from this is YES! I prefer to be the girl in any relationship, which explains why my healthiest long-term relationships have been with very masculine men. And also that my ex (husband) wanted to be both respected and cherished, which would put him in the narcissist category.

I contend that I have a balance of masculine and feminine energy and that I am most drawn to men who also have some balance. I also prefer to be in a relationship with a man who expresses his masculinity by taking charge (as my more recent lover does in the bedroom).

Still, this book is super old school, and I can’t help but think that we’ve evolved in the two or three decades since this book was written. Certainly texting and social media have at least changed the ways in which we communicate…haven’t they?

What do you think?

another door closes

Not that it was open, or anything…but I’ve recently learned that Chi-guy got remarried. How did I come upon this fascinating tidbit, you might ask? Facebook, of course.

It’s funny when someone who was once in your life (remembered fondly, probably because we were never more than flirtatious friends) moves on in very real way. I can’t deny feeling a twinge of emotion — not because it didn’t happen for us, though perhaps because it’s happened now for one of us. And that one wasn’t me.

I wish them well, blah, blah, blah… Truly, I hope that he’s learned to be a better man in this relationship than I observed him being when I last visited him. And her, too: there was a distinct moment that struck me as very “I will not be ignored, Dan!” (picture Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction). Perhaps I am being unfair. And perhaps that long ago visit was exactly the catalyst they needed to get over a relationship hump and move forward.

…for that, newlyweds, you’re welcome!

Just kidding.