closing the door on 2012

Yesterday, I offered a glimpse into an intention I’ve set for 2013. I’ve set several more, not to do with love or romantic relationships. At the same time, I’m closing the door on the past year, 2012.

What does this mean? The past year has been rewarding in many ways but, for whatever reason, the past few weeks of 2012 found me filled with anxiety, unsettled and dissatisfied. With all the end-of-year holidays, I’m sure I subjected my family to more disgruntled energy than I’d like.

I also embarked on a playful, physical relationship with a man, thinking I could keep it casual. As the year ended, I felt my energy shift and, suddenly, experimenting outside of a committed relationship didn’t seem so fun anymore. In its current form, it was always going to be temporary anyway, right? So it came to a mutual conclusion…not without its share of grief, for I’ve often sensed that our possibilities together were greater, even if I knew it wasn’t the most astute way to begin. At any rate, I was taking care of the urgent needs of the time which, now that they’ve shifted, has me mourning a loss.

Perhaps for those reasons, I felt the change in energy this new year in a way that I haven’t before, and I welcome and embrace all the new and positive to come.

In releasing the past and opening to the present, I want to share with you some of the highlights of the past year:

  • My children reached an age that has allowed me more freedom — and they’ve been granted financial support that allows us all to live more fully and with less stress or financial constraints.
  • I was loved fully, passionately and in a way that I haven’t been perhaps ever before in life. Nearly everything about my relationship with my ex boyfriend was nurturing, healing, loving and positive. It wasn’t ever going to be the right relationship, but we enjoyed laughter, great sex, intimacy, fun, healing and closeness. And, happily for me, we’ve more recently been loosely in touch and now call each other friends.
  • I spent quality time with another man and enjoyed an experience that may be difficult to fully describe, but I will try:  When we talk, there are so many levels and dimensions in which we’re in synch…some people describe this as “getting lost in conversation;” to me, it’s more like being found in conversation — finding my ground, my voice, my essence, the me in me, and being 100% fully present, alive and available. In that, I was confident, at peace, secure — so many things. In those moments of togetherness, every cell in my body seemed to be standing up, leaning forward, saying “YES!” Imagine standing at the top of a mountain, looking out at the grand expanse — or staring out at the ocean — and feeling the most incredible sense of infinite possibility. THAT’s what it felt like to me when we were together, which is probably why I called him more-like-it from our first meeting.
  • With this same man, I experienced another profoundly positive phenomenon. Every time I asked anything of him (which, admittedly, was exceedingly rare), he went above and beyond, over-delivering in a way that was heartwarming and delightful. Perhaps this is a small thing but, having been trained by an unhealthy marriage dynamic to have exceedingly low hopes that even the most basic standard or requirement would be met, it was a revelation to experience a man in natural and joyous service to my desires.
  • I should not neglect to mention that I had some fun new physical / sexual experiences and sensations, and have a growing toy collection to better meet my own needs.

I am so grateful for these moments — and feelings that I may not have known were possible had it not been for the experiences of the past year — and I invite more of them into my life. YES!, Universe, that’s more like it! THIS is the juicy, sexy, wonderful stuff I want to feel more of in my relationship(s) in 2013.

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About failedatforty


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