When I try to explain to some men that I don’t plan to date one person exclusively for awhile, they nod with understanding and wish me well “playing the field.” Meanwhile, they explain, they’re looking for someone special… as if these are two different things.
How many times have we heard, “you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs” by the time we’re adult women?
I am looking for someone special. But to find him, I recognize that I’m likely going to have to meet and interact with a lot of men. I don’t plan to fling myself into exclusivity any time soon. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t veer that way if it felt completely natural and right. After all, I am a monogamist at heart.
It should be said that as many of the men I’ve met online interpret the same messages to mean that I’m ready to get serious and, because they’re not, they opt out.
Am I sending mixed messages? I’m using the same words. But, if I’m honest, the energy behind them is more than a little inconsistent.
the life and loves of Alisa B 
I’ll let you in on a secret…. when you tell men that little sentence…AND if we are truly looking hard for a way to invest in you, then you have shot yourself in the foot. We label you on the spot as slutty or loose. You’re looking for fun more than you’re willing to work at “us” and the ideas that we’ve already got of you. if you’re going to play the field, don’t mention that without knowing what snap judgement we are making.
On the flipside, if the guy really isn’t that “into” you, then he’s going to be relieved to hear that you’re not looking for something serious enough to consider too much and he’ll be more focused on entertainment value instead of something good that could bear the weight of a relationship.
T.
You make a fair point, T. I’ll learn to rephrase, because I have no actual interest in “playing the field.” I just don’t want to be exclusive unless it’s likely to lead to actual commitment.
You are just being honest and perhaps some men are not ready for that type of honesty. My assumption is that what you are telling these guys is the same thing that they are doing, only they’re too wussy to say that “Yes, I’m going to date other women too because to use a cliche, I’m not going to lay all my eggs in one basket.” Perhaps these men opt out because they want to date a woman who will date them exclusively while they themselves go out and play the field. Men throughout time have liked to propagate the species and they are employing the same behavioral pattern in dating.