past to possibility

And here is the biggest realization of all in all this reflection: There was an energy I felt; there was an energy from which I attracted; and there was an energy I was in that relationship. The reason I loved him so much was because I also loved me so much:

I loved the way I showed up.
I loved wanting to be my best self every day.
I loved being loving.
I loved feeling playful.
I loved feeling feminine, sensual, vulnerable, sexy, connected, and naughty.
I loved the conversation and companionship.
I loved the ease and harmony.
I loved feeling warm, safe and expansive.
I loved having my needs met.
I loved feeling YES! in every cell of my body.

So I might never hear from him again. I may never experience a relationship like ours again. But I know I don’t have to create that again, because I can be all of those things. I can choose to live in that energetic place — and, for the first time in nearly six years, that feels accessible to me again. And, for the first time in my life, I have the knowledge, skills and energetic practice to sustain it.

owning my feelings, part 2

About six months ago, I wrote about taking ownership of my feelings and being responsible for how I felt in relationship to another. I wrote about how I had to shift my perspective to fully embrace a relationship with a man who was not who I wanted him to be, but himself.

In short, I had to take ownership of my happiness and the way I was showing up.

Looking back, I realize I was also settling. I allowed myself to stay in something for a long time because it felt secure and comfortable and okay, even if it didn’t light me up. The truth is that I was terrified to seek that lit-up-from-within love I’d felt before, because my experience with that kind of love was that it didn’t last. And the pain was so great I never wanted to feel that way again. (I still don’t.)

Healing past patterns

I’ve been doing a lot of intuitive energy clearing around the old wounds and energetic patterns, working to free myself from the karma of abandonment, unworthiness, and more. I’ve stared plainly into the face of the ways I’ve allowed myself to be treated and vowed “never again.” And, to be honest, it’s still been a struggle to release the hope / pain / futility of a relationship that began six years ago and ended three months later. Processing and healing the pain and trauma of that break-up is something I’ve had to take on in layers. It’s as though that one, seemingly insignificant life event became a portal or container for every ounce of unprocessed pain I’ve ever felt. In short, it felt karmic.

Forgiveness has not been easy. But it’s worth it if I can free myself to find that kind of love, support, warmth, expansiveness and freedom again in an intimate relationship with another human.

The worst in all of it is the advice givers, the “you need to be happy yourself” and “you need to be your own complete person” spewers. No doubt these things are true. But who says I’m not?

It’s possible to be happy and also very sad at the same time, to want to share a partnership and companionship — especially in this bizarre season of pandemic isolation — and to be perfectly capable of living a full life on my own. Haven’t I already proven this?

Creating from ‘hell yes!’

This is a long way of getting around to where I am, which is having shifted into a place of possibility. I’m open to meeting new people. I hope friends introduce me, or that we reach for the same avocado in the grocery store. The thought of going online again is less dreadful than it was a month ago, and I can get there if I must. (I’m still terrified at the prospect of letting anyone in, though, of getting too close. So that will be my next hurdle.)

Meanwhile, I have begun to remember who I was when I attracted the kind of man who felt like a great match: I was whole, happy, empowered and, candidly, sick of taking any wishy-washy shit. I was part Pink’s “So what? I’m still a Rock Star” and part Beyonce’s “Irreplaceable,” along with a whole lot of other not-gonna-take-any-crap-ness. I was in the energy of anything not “Hell yes!” is a hell no. And this may be the realization I needed to get back to that place where I can attract that epic, life-long soul love I’ve tried to find or create for my entire adult existence. This kind of “bitchy” energy is incredibly clarifying, and allowed me to easily edit the people with whom I spent time.

Maybe it was getting to this “I’m a goddess; do not mess with me” energy and staying there that drew in a man I was crazy about. He was very much in the driver’s seat, and I loved that about him. But I was the one asking him to dance in the kitchen on a Sunday morning; I was creating the kind of love I wanted.

I’ll write more about that energetic evolution in my next post…

it’s all about the energy

The city in which I live is still very much a small town in some ways, and I’ve come to expect to run into many of the same folks over and over. So, when invited to a really fun work / social party thrown by a few awesome guys / companies in their funky, mod work space, I was already anticipating running into a ton of fun people I already know.

Aside from being welcomed at the door by a guy friend on whom I have and off-again / on-again crush, there were really two highlights of the evening for me:

First, as I told my guy friend, “I’m dying to meet your brother, because he is such an acerbic bastard on Facebook that I already know I’ll love him!” When we were introduced, I explained to this man why I’d been so eager to meet him and he laughed, “yeah, I get a lot of that.” But the genuine and surprising pleasantness was that this man, who appeared large, gruff and potentially intimidating, and who is always — as far as I can tell from the comments he posts on common friends’ status updates — a perfect sonofabitch, had the warmest, friendliest, most open energy imaginable. He was not at all the curmudgeon I had anticipated. Don’t get me wrong, I would have adored him as a curmudgeon, as well. Instead, he was as you might expect to find Jerry Garcia or the famous ice cream Ben and Jerry: fulfilled, successful, creative and positively oozing loving vibes…a sort of teddy bear, who you felt immediately drawn to hug. Without the tie-dye. Think Buddha with a 70s porn ‘stache.

There was something exciting about this encounter for me — that someone could be so acerbic and witty (occasionally coming off as condescending or sarcastic) while so clearly happy, content and loving. It was a big aha. After all, I’ve been working to balance my own energy for years — and I’d finally experienced that which I’ve been trying to achieve (in my own unique and feminine form, of course) — the perfect balance of loving-kindness and irreverence.

My second fabulous experience of the night was running into a long-ago colleague who is now part of an up-and-coming band. Let me set this up: He’s tall, good-looking and has the sort of smooth, sexy drawl with which he could easily and simply talk my clothes right off…if he weren’t married (and to a super sweet woman, to boot). I used to have a huge crush on him! So it was a wonderful surprise to learn that he’d had a crush on me, too, back in the day. (Even back then, when I was being the worst human I’ve ever been — too much alcohol, drugs and unhealthy relationships.) And dang! He’d have been ten times the husband mine was, though I probably couldn’t compare to his wife. He sweet-talked me for a good, long while, suggested I manage his band, promised to look for eligible men for me and gave me the best hug ever. His energy was so warm — I never wanted those moments to end!

It was a great party with a ton of awesome people, but those two special moments illuminated a critical realization: I’d choose a man with great energy over great looks any day of the week. And therein lies the bummer of online dating: had I seen a photo of my friend’s brother online, I would have been unlikely to want to meet him. In real life, I’d kill to meet a single, available man like him!

Now, if I can get my energy to match all that bliss, I’ll have no problem attracting it!