Author: ab

acts of forgiveness

One of the lessons I’ve learned along the way is that forgiveness, like love, is expressed through action.

Witnessing acts of forgiveness is incredibly powerful and life-affirming. We know we have forgiven ourselves when we break a self-destructive habit, such as addiction, or form new, life-affirming ones. We know we’ve forgiven others when we stop doing things to make them angry.

A divorced male friend recently shared this story with me:  He and his ex see a child development specialist every couple of weeks to understand and try to mitigate the effects of their break-up on their five-year-old child (which I think is a very mature approach on their part). My friend’s ex had introduced her boyfriend to their daughter, a man with whom she had recently broken up. She was asking the specialist how to handle it when their daughter asked for her boyfriend by name.

My friend, meanwhile, was fuming. He sat in his chair, gripping its arms with his hands until his knuckles were white. He had been upset with her decision to introduce this man to their child, questioned her normally sound judgment and, though he desperately wanted to seethe, “I told you so!,” he held his tongue and calmly asked the child development specialist, “Is it possible that our daughter associates this man with Mommy’s happiness? and that, rather than the ex boyfriend, our daughter simply misses seeing Mommy happy?”

The child development specialist agreed that this was likely, and suggested the ex-wife ignore any of their daughter’s references to the ex boyfriend. My friend, meanwhile, was quite proud of his restraint. It even earned him a positive email from his ex-wife. But I wonder if he even recognized his action for what it was:  an act of forgiveness.

I recently experienced such an incredibly generous act of forgiveness that I want to share it here. I requested a networking coffee with a man whose company for which I had done some work (more than a decade ago). This man has seen my highs and lows, including me in the midst of my most morally bereft phase (I think a lot us were there in the late 90s).

Simply meeting me was a generous gift of his time. Then he told me that he had always seen my talent, appreciated my personality and was thrilled to see the light inside me shining brightly again. I actually teared up. Even knowing the lowest points in my personal history, he sat across from me, looked into my eyes and uttered these warm and positive words. After an hour, we embraced and parted.

Every moment and every word was, to me, an act of forgiveness. And it was painfully humbling. I confess, I questioned my worthiness. How could I possibly deserve such grace? Yet every religion on Earth makes allowances that we might all be forgiven, healed and made whole.

Now if only I could learn to forgive myself and others with such grace and generosity!

QOTD

“I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I’m out of control and at times hard to handle; But, if you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

that’s more like it…or not

I wrote a several days ago about more-like-it, who I met at a coffee shop a few weeks ago. I’d met him online, then in person, we’d talked on the phone, and I was enjoying getting to know him and his flirtatious personality.

When we first communicated, the conversation and flirtation flowed naturally. He was articulate and we seemed to be of a similar mind. He said all the right things. When we first met, I learned he had studied Japanese in university. I had lived in Japan. I was looking for someone who had bandwidth, presence and was concerned with health. He talked about balance, engaged parenting and cooking with organic ingredients.

I confess that physical beauty matters to me (I am a Libra, after all), and I’d give more-like-it a solid eight on a scale from one to ten. In the world of our online dating site, however, he’s a 26 (yes, out of ten) — far and away the best match for my physical type that I’d met (not only because of general attractiveness, but also because he could easily be assumed to have sired my offspring).

Finally, previous to meeting more-like-it, my most recent emotional attachment had been to Chi-guy. I wondered where all the guys like him — articulate, attractive, creative, intelligent and so much more — were in this city. Sure enough, more-like-it shares both age and astrological sign with Chi-guy. (Both are Virgo goats; neither an auspicious match for me.)

At the risk of being redundant, so much of what I’d put out there on my list, what I want — both written and unwritten — and more was reflected back at me. Though I doubt I’m explaining it very well, what I experienced was like some bizarre universe communion, a cosmic call and answer. I felt validated. And kinda powerful.

More-like-it was emotionally expressive and warm, yet I sensed there was something holding him back. His pain was palpable — too fresh for his divorce timeline. Following our last lunch, during which I asked him what he wanted (he said he wasn’t sure he knew), he spent some time reflecting and realized he wasn’t ready to date. So he dropped out.

I can’t deny feeling a little disappointed. I could feel a definite intellectual connection and was beginning to sense a physical connection, but we hadn’t built that emotional bridge yet. This was a pretty rockin’ guy, with a lot of positives going for him. The thought that I might get to know him better had given me something to look forward to.

More-like-it had solid, compelling reasons for taking a couple of steps back and away from dating. And I took a pause myself — I cancelled a date or two and left some messages unanswered for a few days to re-evaluate my own readiness. (Suddenly my profile seems to be on fire!)

He told me that I deserve to meet someone amazing and spend time with people who are “all in.” Yet some of his reasons for backing off are the very reasons I’m staying in. I’m looking at things differently these days:

  • I’m meeting people because I enjoy meeting people (even when I don’t really feel like meeting people).
  • I’m flirting to practice flirting.
  • I’m dating to develop confidence in relating to men romantically again.
  • I’m taking what I can from each interaction, trying to give and receive something positive each time, continuing to develop a clearer picture of what makes me feel good and what a life-affirming relationship looks like for me.
  • I’m not “all in” myself. And I may not be until I fall in love. “All in” suggests commitment to me, and the only commitments I have right now are to myself, my children and to putting myself out there.
  • Even if I’m only 85% ready to date, dating casually is what’s going to get me ready. Learning to take the small disappointments in stride is the fuel I’ll use to both toughen up and open my heart.
  • Who can say they’re ready for a serious relationship? You’re only ready if you find someone who inspires you to open your heart, take risks and be fearless. And that happens over time.
  • Although I ultimately want marriage, I don’t expect the guys I date to know what they want right away — and I especially don’t  anticipate they’re going to know whether they feel something special for me for a long time. They may use dating to develop clarity, too.
  • I feel vulnerable putting myself back out there, but facing my fear and challenging my beliefs is exactly what I need to move forward right now.

Yes, the human heart is fragile and it’s unfair to mislead anyone. But if we’re authentic — even if that means admitting uncertainty — it’s not misleading to discover, learn and grow in relation to others. In fact, most of us are doing these very things every day. And I have learned something from every single date I’ve been on.

So, while I’m a little bummed that I won’t be spending time getting to know more-like-it better, I’m going to add some of his amazing qualities to my list. I’m going to use having met him as evidence that great guys are out there, in this very city! And I’m going to ask the Universe to give me more of that cosmic “call and answer” dance — it will make putting myself out there all the easier.

a few thoughts on sex

Last week was a bitch, so let’s lighten things up… Is it too early in our relationship, Gentle Reader, for me to confess that my sexual proclivities are pedestrian?

Here it is:  I like(d) plain old married sex. Sure, I’m what Dan Savage would call GGG, but I tend to go with what works. While I’ve had my share of bizarre encounters and enjoyed some creative and playful pleasure marathons, my taste ultimately tends toward the vanilla. I’m most likely to achieve satisfaction in the missionary or cowgirl positions.

I was asked recently if I enjoy wake-up sex. Frankly, I can’t imagine a time of day when I don’t enjoy it. I like it in the shower, up against a wall…cars are impossible, I find…if you have a swing, I definitely want a ride! Perhaps if there’s some strange element in all of this, it’s that I find it not only pleasurable and stress-relieving, but sexual fulfillment also gives me a feeling of abundance. The better my sex life, the less stress I feel about money, bills, cash flow… And it burns calories. Talk about a win-win-win!

A few other minor notes:

  • If forced to choose, I’d prefer a lover who ranks higher in skills/technique and desire to please than in size. (But I’d rather not choose.)
  • I most often wear plain cotton panties. They’re sexy on me. But if you like lingerie, buy some for me and I will happily wear it for you!
  • I’m a bit of a pillow princess. I’m going to lie back and enjoy this while you show off. You’ll find me quite responsive, and I’ll join in soon.
  • I have breasts. Show me you enjoy them. A lot.
  • There is no better foreplay than talking.
  • Foreplay is mandatory. Except when you’re such an amazing conversationalist that I’ve been dying to jump you all through dinner.
  • If you haven’t gone down on me, don’t expect me to go down on you. Really. You first, I insist!
  • What would ever make you think you don’t need to put on a condom?!
  • Sixty-nine never lives up to the promise. Sure, it’s fun to try, but I can’t truly enjoy receiving while simultaneously truly trying to give. Let’s take turns.
  • I kind of like it when you play with my feet, and I kind of love it when you thrust your tongue between my toes while simultaneously thrusting from your hips.
  • DO NOT apply a little saliva and aim for my rosebud the first time we’re together. (Yes, I speak from experience.)
  • I am a woman, not a four-year-old. There’s hair down there. Get used to it. I groom, but I don’t go Brazilian.
  • I have no interest in threesomes; strip clubs and porn don’t interest me (in fact, I find them somewhat exploitative, although I understand the debate goes both ways) and I don’t need an arsenal of accessories…just an attentive and giving lover.
  • Oh, and I’m vocal. You might want to close the windows.
Are you blushing yet? I am.

pain is good, yeah?

The last week has been emotionally challenging. As a matter of fact, it brought me to my knees. I’ve been hurting. Deeply. And this is a GOOD THING!

You see, I’m intellectual and a bit of an introvert. Which means, if left to my own devices, I’d spend way too much time inside my own head. I’ve had to consciously apply myself to the practice of presence, living in the moment, and actually living in body and experiencing my feelings. I’ve gotten much better at these things, particularly since having children, practicing yoga and meditating.

Three things happened this past week that hit me emotionally probably more than they “should” have. (I try to avoid “should-ing” on myself.) While I’m not going to address them all here and now, my response tells me that these occurrences were triggers that brought up some old pain that needs to be dealt with. I’ve really been feeling it. And physically. I’m low on energy, yawning a lot, there’s growling in my abdomen and I can feel a tenderness in my chest cavity accompanied by a very literal “knife in the back” sensation. And so I’m trying to deal, trying to process, trying to explore and heal an emotional landscape that no longer serves me and that might well be holding me back from attracting what I want into my life.

When I’m feeling this way — vulnerable, insecure and hurting — I see three possibilities:

  1. I could be unconscious and reactive about it, failing to self-reflect, and go on about my life without taking the time to feel, experience or heal.
  2. I could witness the thoughts I’m having and stop myself every time I notice a negative thought around these feelings in order to re-wire my brain. (Nerve cells that no longer fire together no longer wire together and, if I change my thought patterns, I will ultimately affect my feelings and moods.)
  3. Or I could feel — allow myself to feel deeply, truly experience and process these emotions and release them.

As you might have guessed, I’ll work within the latter two approaches. I’m trying to use my mental strengths to be a better friend and coach to myself. Like most of us, my internal critic is far more harsh than any words I would ever say to a friend, and I’ve long made a practice of lightening up and being kinder and gentler to myself.

I’ll address the feelings and physical symptoms by supporting myself and my best health (so much of which is chemical) through healthy eating, breath work, meditation, physical activity and practicing gratitude.

It almost seems contradictory to prevent myself from thinking certain thoughts while simultaneously allowing my feelings. But the old emotional attachments need to be felt and experienced in the body to be released, and that’s where I’ll break the chain. I won’t allow the feelings to feed the thoughts, and I’ll ensure the thoughts that feed the emotions are nurturing. I’m going to be the change and break the old emotional patterns for once and for all. Ah, growing pains!

if I had an anthem…

I’ve probably written enough about Bob Schneider so that you know by now I think Lovely Creatures is the perfect combination of songs to nurse one’s heart through a divorce. There’s the heartbreaking Changing Your Mind, the bitter Realness of Space, the romantic and hopeful 40 Dogs, the jaunty Till Somebody Catches a Feeling and the poignant Bicycle vs. Car…and more.

But what if I had a song of my own that defined where I’m at in life? What might that be? I know what it used to be — I listened to this song over and over in my late twenties, and I’ve recently re-discovered At This Point In My Life by Tracy Chapman. In a word, it’s all about redemption.

Here are the lyrics; they might give you an idea of why this song so resonates with me:

“…At this point in my life, I’ve done so many things wrong, don’t know if I can do right
If you put your faith in me, I hope I won’t let you down
If you give me a chance I’ll try…

You see it’s been a hard road, the road I’m traveling on
And if I take your hand, I might lead you down the path to ruin
I’ve had a hard life, I’m just saying it so you’ll understand
That right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can
At this point in my life

At this point in my life, although I’ve mostly walked in the shadows,
I’m still searching for the light
Won’t you put your faith in me
We both know that’s what matters
If you give me a chance I’ll try

You see I’ve been climbing stairs, but mostly stumbling down
I’ve been reaching high, always losing ground
You see I’ve conquered hills, but I still have mountains to climb
And right now, right now I’m doing the best I can
At this point in my life

Before we take a step, before we walk down that path,
Before I make any promises, before you have regrets,
Before we talk commitment, let me tell you ’bout my past —
What I’ve seen and what I’ve done, things I’d like to forget
At this point in my life

At this point in my life, I’d like to live as if only love mattered,
As if redemption was in sight,
As if the search to live honestly is all that anyone needs,
No matter if you find it.

You see when I’ve touched the sky, Earth’s gravity has pulled me down
But now I’ve reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine,
Oh, if you can give it a try,
Then I’ll reach inside and find and give you  all the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life…”

Let me be clear:  In the scheme of things, I truly don’t believe that I’ve had a difficult life — that’s not the part I relate to. It’s the sheer humility of acknowledging that I have a past; I have failed at relationships and I want to do better, try harder. It’s the hopefulness, the possibility — in her words, “to live as if only love mattered, as if redemption was in sight…as if the search to live honestly is all that anyone needs, no matter if you find it.”

And someday, when I meet my match, I’m going to reach inside, find and give him all the sweetness that I have!

I admit it; I don’t know the rules

I’ve never been a Rules girl. Perhaps this has been the source of some of my relationships problems, perhaps I need to study up. But I am learning a thing or two.

Here’s where I’m at:

  • I’m not going to chase a man again. Ever. I’ll let him know I’m interested and let him take the lead. If he wants to see me, he’ll find a way.
  • This doesn’t mean I won’t occasionally reach out if I see something relevant to a conversation we had. I’m not an automaton.
  • I’m dating around, not falling easily into exclusivity. It’s already helped me gain more clarity. I expect the same from the men I date — they’d better be seeing other people! If he ultimately chooses me, I want it to have been an informed choice.
  • Meanwhile, I’m going to be absolutely clear about what I want. That way, if we’re not on the same page, he can opt out early and save us both some misery.
  • This clarity can have an added benefit:  he quickly learns how I expect to be treated.
Am I on the right track? Recommendations? Resources? I’d love to know what you think.

revealing my truth

As I take this pause in my life to reflect, reconsider, re-configure and re-focus, I’ve devoted a significant amount of time to thinking, creating, writing, meditating, yoga, healing, expanding — in a word, growth.

So, while I’ve had several coffees and networking meetings and informational or other interviews during which I’ve projected my energy outward and, all told, hours of meditation directing my energy inward, I’ve recently been given some feedback that’s helping me grow and change where the rubber hits the road:

  • First, a colleague pointed out that having an anonymous blog is really contrary to the whole online paradigm. The world is moving toward authenticity, transparency and accountability. I’ve discussed my reasons for anonymity, but there may come a time when I need to reconsider. Besides, it would sure make publicizing and marketing it easier!
  • Chi-guy pointed out that I lied to him when he asked me if I’d shown anyone his risqué photo(s). Um, yeah, I wasn’t really sure how he’d respond if I confessed that practically every woman in the city had seen the hammer (or at least every woman I know). This small untruth was meant to shield him from harm, yet I suspect I might have caused some — perhaps he thinks less of me for this, or has now used this information to confirm a belief that women are dishonest with him. Of course when I asked him about it, he said that’s why he didn’t include his face — he was expecting that I’d share (and probably proud of it)!
  • This insight reminded me of something I recalled my therapist saying a long time ago:  I need to stop trying to protect others from myself, from seeing the full, real me. I need to stop hanging up the phone and thinking, “OMG, did I really say that?!” and just allow that I am who I am. I mean, what I’m writing here is all authentic and full-on me, but this blog is anonymous…(except that many of the readers are friends of mine with whom I’ve shared the link).
  • Add a hard look in the mirror to these blind spots, and what I’ve begun to see is that I have a habit of telling myself little white lies. I tell myself that I’m not really sure what I want, that I’m not ready to commit to a specific choice when, in fact, I know damned well what I want. Sometimes the truth is simply obscured by the daily tasks and work and parenting and life…and that’s why taking this “career break” has been so incredibly empowering. I have the time and the space to really figure out what feels true to me and reveal it not only to myself, but to others.
  • I was chatting with a colleague about goal-setting a few days ago and about some (unattributable) statistic that illustrates how powerful it is to write your goals down. My colleague suggested that one should go a step further and tell as many people as humanly possible. I agree. You can’t do it all alone. And, until recently, I was hiding my truth, afraid of exposing my deepest desires in fear that others may ridicule them or I might fail. Maybe so, but it seems even less likely that I’ll manifest those same dreams while hiding in my proverbial closet!

Just as I finished this draft, I checked out Rob Brezny’s Free Will Astrology horoscope for Libra for the week, an excerpt of which reads:

“…Inner truths that have been hidden from you are ready to be plucked by your penetrating probes…”

So here’s to revealing — and then sharing — my inner truths!

a brief update on my career

I find that I have accomplished generally less with my time off than I had anticipated. It’s been nearly three months since I suited up daily and went to my big corporate job, and I have not checked everything off the list yet. While I have enjoyed the diversions I’ve found online, yoga and near-daily meditation, I find it somewhat alarming that I haven’t moved a few of these projects further forward, especially in light of the fact that I must go back to work. Starting May 10.

Even with all the interviews and applications I had in process in March, I never heard back on some of those opportunities. As far as I know, no final decision have been made. Meanwhile, I got a random call from a recruiter who found my resume online and wanted to submit it for a contract role. I shrugged and agreed, thinking it was a long shot. But just two days later, I got a call asking me to interview. I went in, talked passionately about strategy, innovation and change, flailed my arms and gesticulated wildly. Three days after that, I was offered the job.

What I find exciting about this opportunity is that the hiring leader said, “I have people to do the work. I need someone to help me innovate and elevate the strategy.”

Nice. Right up my alley. I also like that I’ll make quite a bit more than in my old job, and that it’s initially a four-month stint (although it may be extended or turn in to a permanent position). That allows me to company-date, the same way I’m meeting and talking to new men. So I can keep looking for the perfect fit.

It’s also lit a little fire under my butt — I’ve got ten days to crank through a boatload of productivity and poise myself to move some new ideas and projects forward outside of the workday. No more procrastinating!

And, then, once I begin, I suspect there will be a bit of a work-life balance adjustment. The children will go back to an after school program, and I’ll have to be ready to leave each day by the time they get on their bus. I’m still targeting three to five entries per week here.

on discovering the power of gratitude

About eleven years ago…

I had been seeing a chiropractor who practices applied kinesiology (AK) for more than a year, and I loved that my body and mind had embraced this process for healing and growth. For those of you who are not familiar, AK (sometimes called Body Talk) practitioners initiate a dialogue with the body’s energy, using the arm as a lever, to diagnose and identify optimal treatment.

Over the past many months, I had experienced better adrenal function, detoxified my liver and kidneys, nearly eliminated symptoms of PMS and more. Then, as I lay on my back with arm held straight in the air, I heard, “You are experiencing lack in your ovaries, and your body is asking for a lifestyle change.”

Crap! Was I about to be asked to stop drinking?

Continuing to use my arm as a lever to determine how my body wanted to heal, we learned that the lifestyle change related to money. So my chiropractor asked me to tell him what was going on with money in my life.

At the time, I lived in a rental duplex, owned two cars, had no revolving debt and lived as well or better than many of the friends I knew. Still, I had certain ideas about my situation, which I expressed something like this:

  • I felt as though I was living check to check, yet I was putting $400 per month into an investment account and could easily lower that amount if I needed more accessible cash.
  • I was renting, and the real estate market was climbing rapidly. By not owning property, I believed I was missing out on an investment growth opportunity, equity in a home.
  • Owning two cars seemed ridiculous. I loved them both, but had no storage for the impractical sports car that needed extra love and care.

However, when we tried my arm as a lever on solutions to any of the above — free up cash, buy a home, sell a car — none worked. My chiropractor had a few suggestions of his own. My body responded to “practice gratitude consciousness.”

I was thus assigned the homework of practicing gratitude for an hour each day. When I awoke each morning, I was to choose a time, randomizing my sessions, so that I didn’t make a habit of defaulting to a time of day when I was naturally more inclined to feel good. And then I was to think about what I was grateful for during the specified time.

I began with what I thought would be easy — my new car. I had recently purchased a luxury car with leather seats, a great stereo, moon roof, etc. For months, every time I got in my car, I thanked myself. So it was a huge surprise to hear a little argument go on in my head:

“I love my car. I’m so grateful that I allowed myself to have something so nice!”

“Yeah, but all my friends drive BMWs.”

“My car drives even nicer than their BMWs.”

“Still, BMWs have more prestige…”

Observing my own back talk was a revelation to me, and it took a conscious effort to quiet the voice of dissent inside.

Another observation was that I hated paying bills — internet, phone, insurance, rent… But I was practicing gratitude, so I had to develop a new way of thinking about them. I learned to bless each bill as I received and paid it, thinking about how grateful I was to be blessed with whatever each bill represented. I didn’t grow up with internet service — and it was a wonderful new way to stay connected with friends around the world; I wore beautiful designer clothing, so I could easily be grateful for my department store credit card bill, and so on… Bills became friendly reminders of my abundant life.

A month passed and I was back in my chiropractor’s office. “How did it go?” he asked about my homework.

I chuckled hesitantly:  “I’m not sure I did very well at it.”

“Why?”

“Well, it was difficult to maintain for an hour — I experienced a lot of back talk.”

“You didn’t think you had to list things for an hour, did you?”

“No, but I thought that I should be able to just feel gratitude, and then ride the wave of that great feeling for longer than I was able to sustain it.”

My body no longer requested the practice, but I tried to keep it up in my daily life. It brought about a nice feeling of contentment. But the astounding part of this story is what and how quickly other intentions manifested in my life:

  • I continued to contribute to my investment account, and was able to release the check-to-check feeling.
  • Within six weeks, I had sold my sports car for more than I’d paid for it.
  • Within three months, I had bought and moved into a condo in a great neighborhood.
  • And, finally, you’ll recall that the issue my gratitude practice was to resolve was a feeling of lack in my ovaries. Approximately six months later, I was pregnant with my first child!

It’s been a challenge to feel grateful for much of these past couple of years, and I’m happy to have the practice back into my life!