defenseless

Finding love at my age is a completely different endeavor than I ever might have imagined. I find myself surrounded by swarms of attractive and successful men — and they all seem to be married. Or gay. I guess, in a way, it’s like it seemed in my twenties…times ten. So, naturally, I’ve ventured online.

And the online game is largely one of filtering. Filtering out the jerks and misogynists for sure, but probably adding in a few too many random and irrelevant criteria, as well. Take, for instance, one of the fellows pursuing me now: I literally have to force myself to keep an open mind because I don’t like the suburb he lives in, the car he drives, his education or his career. Yet if I met a guy who was as nice and good-looking and seemingly emotionally mature in real life, I wouldn’t place quite as much importance on those things.

Online dating simply serves to exacerbate the filtering, the judgments and the show-me-what-you-got attitude. If I wasn’t conscious of approaching dating that way before (because, frankly, I don’t believe that I did), I sure as heck see an unlikeable dimension of myself emerging the more I meet people online. I haven’t made it easy on most of my dates!

But what I’m really getting at is that I can continually add criteria and easily dismiss dozens of men over the course of a year and then, BAM! the guy who’s short, not particularly handsome, doesn’t live in the city and is not even particularly available (given his custody situation) can simply circumvent all of my defenses — all the criteria and filtering and requirements — and get straight to my heart without even trying. Against my better judgment, I’ve developed feelings — for only the second time in a year (and the first was a miserably failed experiment, I can tell you!) — that cause me to open myself to possibility, to hope, to taking risks, to the willingness and, yea, likelihood of making a complete ass of myself.

Instead of that show-me-what-you-got attitude I find myself copping when I meet a man online, I’m evaluating what I have to offer this fellow, wanting to meet half way, seeing him as he is and caring for him anyway — regardless of where he lives or what he drives or what he looks like — and wondering if any of my gifts might appeal to him in the way that he appeals to me. I’ve been described as a strong woman, and I know I can be a hard woman, as well. But I melt in this man’s presence. And that’s a rare enough feeling for me to take notice.

The problem: despite his having kissed me recently, I have no idea how he feels toward me. Clearly attracted…

I’ve spent entire days agonizing about it — and, by that, I mean the glorious agony of desire or unrequited love — and I’ve come to a decision: if the opportunity arises, I will tell him how I feel. I’m not going to stress about it; I’m going to keep on being me. I’ll flirt and be fun and kind, but I’m not going to lower my standards or become some sort of contortionist in an effort to reel him in. Perhaps he has feelings for me and perhaps he doesn’t…no matter; there’ s nothing for me to do about it. Regardless, hearing his voice and being playful with him is the best part of my day.

So I will go on feeling completely, utterly defenseless. Honestly, I suspect practicing this genuine, open vulnerability will be good for me.

a declaration to the universe

Sometimes I need to remind myself why I’m putting it all out there — and this is one of those times:

I believe that truly loving and truly being loved is the greatest freedom we humans can achieve. (Contrast this with the attitudes portrayed by singles in the media, that marriage “ties us down” or we “give up our freedom..”) To come home to a place where someone is committed to loving, committed to partnership and where one is emotionally safe to express oneself fully seems healthier and even more natural to me than living singly, even if it is a lot of work. (Dr. Phil calls this “a soft place to land.”) The specific challenge is finding someone matched both in compatibility and desire to create that sort of relationship. “Met and matched,” as a relationship counselor might say.

Further, I believe that creating this safe, supporting home environment is what’s best for our children. So, even as I am trying to be the best parent I can be, it strikes me that the greatest single positive change I could make in parenting my children is to remarry a loving man, create a family and demonstrate an emotionally healthy, committed relationship.

I continue to work toward readiness for that kind of love and partnership — not because I believe I need to be perfect to find it — or even better than I am now, for that matter, but because I think trying to be our best, most loving, most devoted selves is what separates us from the beasts. Without this sort of seeking, what is the point or purpose of our lives?

So, even as I confess to being completely smitten with a fellow who planted his lips on mine a week hence, I continue to keep my focus on what’s important: finding the man who demonstrates that I am, and a relationship with me is, a priority. To be honest, I don’t automatically suspect this fellow will do that, but I remain hopeful and open to the possibility.

shocking new updates from the land of liking boys

My stomach is all aflutter after a rather scandalous happening a few days ago: The gentleman about whom I wrote in my last post, object of many a fantasy, planted his lips on mine and kissed me, therein setting off a series of delicious, physiological responses including the aforementioned sensation in my stomach, weak knees, racing heart and, most dangerous of all, careening thoughts. A brief moment of shock and wonder was followed quickly by euphoric reverie and then, only hours later, confusion.

Now, days later, my body seems to cycle rapidly through feelings of elation, befuddlement and horror. I have identified two primary root causes of this array of emotion:

I have proven myself colossally bad at choosing appropriate mates and I am already convinced that this will end horrifically…at least for me. Unless it doesn’t! I mean unless he truly is as sweet as he seems. Simply put, I am already terrified for the end of something that has yet to even begin.
By flirting suggestively with this fellow months ago, I’m afraid I’ve likely given the impression that I seek a mere lover. While my desires have changed dramatically, I cannot be certain I’ve informed this fellow of my changed set of requirements. Put another way, I’ve no idea his intent: does he mean to submit himself for the role of lover or boyfriend? Or neither? (Only serious applicants need apply.)

Having positively obsessed about this situation for a full two days, I’ve decided that the only practical approach is to be blithe and nonchalant, as I am while dating men I’ve met online. This proven approach, which requires I simply enjoy myself with complete detachment to the outcome, seems to work much better when I don’t know whether I like a fellow. (Worked like a charm on the man who became my last serious boyfriend!)

You see, while dating men one has met online, it’s quite easy to be biased against the likelihood of anything ever working out. What are the chances? So one sits through a coffee, a drink or a meal, all senses on the alert for warning signs of misogyny, prejudice, misguided political leanings or other wrong-headed beliefs, cheapness, poor taste and all manner of other sins, always at the ready to employ a sensible “slow to hire; quick to fire” policy.

This fellow, however, is someone I’ve gotten to know rather slowly. We have drifted in and out of flirtatious encounters and might already be dating were the logistics not so nearly impossible. After a happy hour a couple of weeks ago, I made a startling discovery: I feel a strong impulse to be sweet in his presence. This is revelatory because it is not at all how I’m feeling during most dates (see paragraph above) and because, while I am often kind, charming, gracious, considerate, helpful and even loving, I very rarely feel sweet. Something about his quiet strength makes me feel those lovely feminine qualities of softness, sweetness and yes, maligned term though it may be, submission. Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot state this strongly enough: I feel I might be able to submit to him, a sensation so foreign to me I don’t know what to do with it! Surely you can understand why I’m in such a tizzy.

But onto other loose ends, as well:

My former boyfriend and I talked the other day: I find myself both yearning for the love we shared and also wanting to sock him in the face, all in the course of a single conversation. He is infuriatingly self-righteous and smug about certain things I can only hint at here.

The fellow (and I refuse to say “gentleman”) who vowed to spend yesterday with me doing yard work did not follow through on said plans. There is something charming and in earnest about him, and I’ve always envisioned he and I would find ourselves fast friends, so I was rather disappointed. Still, it’s probably for the best, given all that’s a-swirl in my mind. Unfortunately, he seems intent on wanting something to come of whatever time we spend together, rather than simply enjoying getting to know one another.

Finally, I went out Friday night on a third date (second to some, perhaps) with a fellow I met online. As usual, I was half dreading the encounter and, thus, ended the evening on a high note, having had a far better time than anticipated. He is taller and better looking than the kisser, his sun sign is more likely to be compatible with mine and, in all likelihood (if you believe what they say about a man’s hands and feet), better hung. Of course, while he was holding my hand, I was daydreaming of the fellow who’d kissed me the day before.

$@#%&!!

And so life goes on in the land of liking boys…

the bold new fantasy

Several months ago, the type of fantasies I entertained were those that usually included a strong and (physically) passionate man who couldn’t wait to ravage me…up against a wall, on a kitchen island, etc. These fantasies were fast, rough and entirely physical and can easily be described with “Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma’am!”

Now, my mind wanders instead to visions of…(insert dramatic pause)… Being spooned! Cuddling in bed watching Friday Night Lights reruns! Slow dancing! Preparing dinner together after work! Waking up together!

In other words, I find I’m very desirous of the mundane, intimate behaviors that couples share. I lust for a closeness that goes beyond sex, beyond simply liking someone. I long to be back in that yummy relationship place in which closeness is a given and anything can be expressed and received with complete assurance of emotional safety.

Funny thing is, one of the guys I’m fantasizing about these days is someone about whom I fantasized in a much racier fashion two seasons ago. And I’m dying to learn whether he’s as versatile as my imagination makes him out to be…

not on my knees

Not long ago, I told one of the guys who’s meandered in and out of my life for the past many months that we needed to have a “come to Jesus.”

He asked hopefully — and via text, I might add, as so many of our important conversations take place these days — if that meant I’d be on my knees.

And that’s exactly the issue with this fellow; he cannot be taken seriously. He claims to have serious interest in me and then, when we eventually start putting together some plans, he texts me that he’ll be over around 11:30pm. That’s booty-call-thirty to most of us.

Men and women can have a few different types of relationships: they can be siblings, friends, co-workers / colleagues, casual lovers or two people with mutual love and respect who want to grow old together. I realize that some of these types of relationships — and by no means is this list comprehensive — can take place on a sort of continuum. Yet I suspect the type of relationship I’m looking for — long-term, committed and rewarding — is unlikely to begin with an 11:30pm visit to my place.

So our “come to Jesus” conversation was a series of texts over which I basically told him that, if he wants to be taken seriously, he’ll need to change his strategy. Ultimately, I’m no soothsayer; I can’t predict the future, so I might be open to a booty call…one just couldn’t possibly expect it would turn into anything deeper.

This fellow knows me well enough and for long enough so that, if he’d been taking notes, he’d have an entire list of possible restaurants to which to invite me on dates, activities I enjoy, music I’d like to see in concert, etc. to show me that he values me as a human being (and not just a piece of ass). He’s likely to know that I think the best relationships begin as friendship. Hell, he’d probably have the first five years’ worth of birthday and Christmas gifts covered if he’d been listening.

I mean to say I’ve made this easy. I’ve practically handed out written instructions for how to win my heart, in the event he was interested. That’s why it floors me that he wants to come over and “give me a back rub” late at night while proclaiming he views me as the “total package” — brains, beauty, breasts. The most important of those is wasted entirely at that time of day.

At any rate, this last go-round, he ultimately declined to come over after this “discussion,” so no booty call for me. Now he claims he’s going to come over and help me do yard work one day, which is much more likely to win me over…

I may have my fingers crossed this fellow can manage some follow-through, but I won’t be on my knees.

assessing the current situation

I mentioned that book about attachment awhile back, and I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’ve learned. Diving in:

Self-assessment: Avoidant at the macro level; anxious on the micro. Keep in mind that this is a comprehensive review of past relationships, and not completely reflective of where I am in this moment. Still, I can see that I have to be very careful about the messages I’m sending, because the minute some new guy is really into me, I have a tendency to turn around and run. If he’s glomming on so quickly, he must be desperate or needy or something (I guess I must be thinking).

Of course I’m completely attracted to avoidant men, because I find them exciting and duh! it doesn’t take a genius to connect that attachment avoidant types might take it upon themselves to start companies, travel a lot and have fascinating interests. They generally introduce me to new bands or music which, in retrospect, I can easily put into the category of “anthems of the attachment avoidant.” But I like music. I am a total sucker for this kind of shit.

So when I find a guy who interests me and show it, he wants to turn around and run. And then my anxious behaviors kick in which really scare him away.

Current state: All that said, I’ve matured and evened out a lot and I’m ready for genuine intimacy with the right partner. I don’t believe there’s only one possibility out there. I don’t expect someone to read my mind. I’m ready to work on it with a man who makes it worthwhile to work on it. I’m perfectly comfortable expressing to someone that I want and need to move slowly, that I want and need to develop a friendship first. It’s true that I have moments of wanting to turn around and run, and it’s also true that I’m a big enough girl to own my stuff and communicate through those times.

I seriously doubt that I will ever draw an attachment avoidant to me again, because I suspect he’ll immediately sense that my energy is not right for him. Either that, or I’ll be much more able to recognize quickly that he’s unwilling and unable to meet my emotional needs, so I’ll dismiss him much more quickly.

Meanwhile, I’m catching myself before I dismiss men for petty reasons and I’m opening myself to the possibility that someone who drives a car I don’t like or who lives in a suburb I don’t want to live in could still be a great guy. (Sure, he’ll have to buy a new car and move at some point — lol.)

Will I ever find the genuine intimacy I seek? I have to believe I will. It’s still going to take me a bit of work to open myself to a different set of possibilities about what will make me happy for the long-term, but I’m getting there.

forget the guys; I’m falling in love with myself!

It turns out that the guy I thought might be a keeper is no longer around. And that kind of surprised me, actually. I was eager to come back from spring break and take things to the next level…like stop meeting or dating other guys, go to bed together, etc… In fact, I hadn’t really written about him nor shared stories about him, because I didn’t want to jinx it.

Here’s what happened: he broke a date with me via text with only hours to spare. I understand that the situation was out of his control but, even after learning he had to work, he had waited hours to let me know. I expressed that I wished he’d taken a moment to call, as I feel it’s more considerate and compassionate. I never heard a word back from the dude…which pretty much demonstrates that he’s not willing or able to meet my emotional needs. Thing is, I’m not tremendously needy, I’d just like for my feelings to be taken into consideration…so that doesn’t say much for him.

I’ve continued to meet other new men lately, as well, though no one I could call “special” at this point.

One seemed very serious and wanted me to be very interested in his work. I wasn’t. I was able to bring out his playful side and I may even give it a second chance (even though he’s a Scorpio).
I met another Scorpio who’s an entrepreneur, boyishly charming and irreverent and really fun! Again, not sure this will go anywhere, but I’m enjoying myself for now.
There’s the soft-spoken, slow-moving guy in the suburbs…I don’t know what to think about him. He’s good-looking and kind, but might not have a college degree (and, yeah, it kinda matters). I have difficulty keeping the conversation flowing and I’m trying to determine whether it’s simply because he’s shy. Not sure what will come of that…

Even while there are more guys in my inbox, I’m just not that into it…again. I’m not yet experiencing that special something that makes me want to leap, to take a risk… One grows weary after a while. So I’m thinking of taking another break to focus on falling in love with me, on putting my own feelings first, to treating myself like a princess — you know, all that self-work you’re clued into knowing you need based on the feedback you receive from the world (like not meeting anyone you really want to see again).

So if you don’t hear from me in the next few days, I’ll be reading a juicy novel, blowing out my hair, doing yoga, getting a massage, catching up with girlfriends, painting my nails or simply loving my life as it is! I believe self-love attracts love, but I’m gonna spend more time thinking about me than concerning myself with any sort of end game.

Stay tuned; coming up in the new few days, I’ll review my advance copy of Erika Lyremark’s upcoming book, “Think Like a Stripper: Business Lessons to Up Your Confidence, Attract More Clients & Rule Your Market.”

do-gooders need not apply

I suspect this post will be somewhat controversial, so I’m just going to jump in:

There’s something about my online dating profile lately that’s inspired a lot of guys to write me and tell me about the do-gooder work they do, often in some nonprofit field or with some higher purpose or mission. And I mean that’s their introductory pitch, as if it will somehow make them instantly appealing to me.

On one hand, I think this is really great; everyone should have a purpose and feel fulfilled by his or her work. I, for one, can find great satisfaction even in a corporate role because I believe that I can guide others through my leadership and communicate in ways that help improve understanding. In fact, helping others understand complex topics is something I’ve quite naturally done all my life.

On the other hand, I wonder how it is that I’m giving the impression that I’m more likely to want to be with someone who’s dedicated his life to the sort of work that provides higher “cause” rewards than financial ones. To be quite frank — and you may think me a pig because of it — I like a man who wants to provide well for his family, who finds earning well both fulfilling and great fun and who desires to spoil me. I want the guy who says, “My love, you’d look great in that Audi Q5 — how do you feel about taking a test drive?”

I have great respect for the folks who have devoted their lives to causes. However, with a parent working in social services and friends in other types of serving roles, I’ve heard repeatedly that when passions like these become jobs, the stress and bureaucracy often end up outweighing the satisfaction of making what feel like real accomplishments or progress. Many have recommended to me to take the financial rewards that I’ve achieved and contribute (as I already do) through volunteerism and nonprofit contributions. Giving is, in fact, central to my life and a value that I’m sharing with my children.

Maybe my beliefs are outdated, outmoded and behind the times; after all, nonprofits have made great strides in paying better since I’ve first had an eye on them.

So what is the real issue here? I think I’m simply more traditional in how I view roles: I want an ambitious, smart, hardworking guy who — as I wrote earlier — wants to earn a shit ton of money and provide an abundant lifestyle, so that I can focus on the role of guiding my family’s values, community involvement, volunteerism and giving. I do as best I can in the present, yet I can’t help but think removing the stress of being primary breadwinner would enhance my feeling of empowerment in this regard.

Keep in mind that I’ve supported my family for many years and found that a complete reversal of gender roles felt uncomfortable and unnatural to me. I felt it left little room for me to express my natural femininity or, at the very least, it was difficult for me to switch back and forth between the masculine energy I used at the office and the feminine I wished to express in my home. Meanwhile, I freely acknowledge that there are many masculine ways to contribute beyond the financial.

Ultimately I’ve been going out and meeting these fellows anyway; I certainly wouldn’t rule anyone out using this alone as a filter. At the same time, I’m not consciously trying to attract men with this particular career type. But hey, I try to stay open to the possibilities and if I fall in love, so be it.

Does this wish for a somewhat ambitious man make me a pig? Is it somehow misguided or focusing on the wrong things to wish for a man who gets a kick out of earning? I freely acknowledge that I may be way off base here — and I’d love to hear your perspective.

ready for love?

Did you watch Ready for Love this evening? Of course I did, of course I was curious. (Furthermore, I hereby confess to watching (though not religiously) The Bachelor and The Bachelorette…)

I want to learn everything I can from these matchmakers!

So far I’ve got:

don’t tell a guy you have a list
don’t say “fart”
don’t advertise your insecurities or introduce doubt

All solid advice, I’d say. And I think I can safely add: wait until you’re really in a comfortable relationship before telling a guy you blog about dating.

My wish is that someone would go out on a limb and do one of these dating shows with middle-aged, average looking, average-bodied divorcees. Sure, everyone loves watching the young and beautiful people — and there’s no doubt they have just as tough a time as the rest of us when it comes to finding a mate — but viewers also respond to real people with real lives and real flaws. Just watch one of those weight loss or hoarder shows…if there weren’t an audience for these shows, they wouldn’t be on television.

Would I go on it? Heck no! I’m simply a much more private person than that…but even if it might be kind of stressful, I do like the thought of several guys vying for my attention.

If you tuned in, let me know what you think in the comments.

preparing for my debut

I’m spending spring break in Southern California, enjoying the sunshine and beach while blocking the story I’ll tell this coming Sunday as part of Sunday Night Sex Talks (8pm, Bar Lubitsch, West Hollywood).

Here’s what I’ve blocked out so far:

– grooming

– therapist

– Anthony

– in between

– the Cajun

…

Now, how to tie it all together?