Category: General

my nanny confession

I seem to be on a roll lately, so why not keep the personal revelations coming…

I didn’t like having a nanny. I thought I would LOVE having a nanny…but I didn’t even like it. I like dropping off my children and picking them up and, even if it can get stressful trying to make sure we’re running out the door on time with everything they need for their day (and, laughingly, it’s enough of a challenge ensuring I leave the house with everything I need) and then picking them up on time, I still arrive home each evening to a house looking just the way I left it.

I started this post one day when I’d arrived home to see that the kitchen floor looked a little glossy. And then, as I walked across it, it felt a little sticky. When I asked the children if someone had spilled something, the nanny fessed up that she had. She did clean it up, but not very well. I spent part of my evening mopping the floor, which is pretty much the last thing I wanted to do with my evening.

Further, on top of what I pay her, I need to leave money for a treat or an outing or something so they don’t have to be bored with each other and sitting around the house. So, while money’s tight, I’m shelling out another $20 a day so my children can enjoy a day at the pool or go for ice cream.

When I was younger, it was part of the babysitter role to clean up, wash the dishes, etc. And you were expected to entertain or make do with the resources available (which pretty much meant anything free within walking distance). Apparently that’s no so anymore…

But the children had a happy summer and felt loved. Who am I to argue with that?!

a few recent discoveries

There are those who say we learn something new every day…I don’t know about every day, but my mind is always open to discoveries. Here are a few recent ones:

  • Justin Vernon, a.k.a. Bon Iver, was a huge X-Files and Indigo Girls fan. That dude and I would get along just fine!
  • When I was younger, all the males in the family and neighborhood helped shingle our church’s parsonage. Therefore, I always thought roofing was something anyone could do. Thus, it pissed me off that there was a man in my home who was home all the time and our garage didn’t have a decent roof — it’s not rocket science, after all! If my brother could do it, so could my mate, right?! Well…now I’ve seen a master at work, and roofing done right does take a little more skill than some young teenage boys hammering nails into a roof. In the end, I’m happy to have paid for this incredibly high-quality work.
  • My sister-in-law recommended I see Crazy, Stupid, Love, which she described as “hysterical.” I couldn’t agree more — the film captured several of the complex issues of marriage, infidelity and maintaining our identities within relationships, making for some poignant moments and a lot of laughs. Highly recommended!
  • Finally, my @failedatforty Twitter presence won me a free copy of Marriage Confidential by Pamela Haag, a brilliant, thoughtful and well-researched examination of modern marriage. While I’m only half-way through the book, I’ve discovered that I was a workhorse wife with a Tom Sawyer husband. It’s a thought-provoking read as we consider the history of marriage, in which roles were once so clearly defined, compared to the present, wherein we look to a spouse to be our everything — a best friend, soul mate, co-parent, earner, lover and more. That’s a lot to ask of one other person, and I think this book could provide the foundation for many great discussions among couples who are married or considering marriage.

the pity party’s over

Admittedly, I was feeling like a bit of a brat earlier this week. The moment I got over my bad mood, my focus turned to other tasks at hand…namely, some baking and other preparations for an event to benefit a neighborhood family whose son has cancer.

In other words, I am reminded once again that I am blessed beyond measure. My children are healthy. I am healthy. And that is enough for me to be content.

love: I think I’m on to something here!

I’m coming back into the awareness that I am a vessel…that the universal energy and love are abundant and boundless, and I’m working to get out of the way and let it all flow. This awareness is transforming my energy quickly and powerfully. I feel more fulfilled, joyful, loving and peaceful than I have in a long time…probably in a decade.

Still, I’ve struggled to define my passion and purpose. Suddenly I find it’s much easier when I rephrase the question as such:  How do I express love?

And then the answers flow easily for me:

  • I accept people unconditionally.
  • I write.
  • I facilitate understanding.
  • I share what I’ve learned and what I know.
  • I provide a different perspective.
  • I connect people and things.

So that seems to be the easy part… Now how do I share this love with the world in a way that sustains me and others?

a little glimpse into the mind of me

As if those of you who follow or find me here don’t get enough drivel, I thought I’d share a story about how I managed to welcome into my yard one of my favorite things…but let’s not get ahead of ourselves; this story begins with a watch:

I got one of those emails, you know the ones, where they send you the fabulous shopping deal once a day and you have to pounce immediately or someone’s already bought the designer handbag calling your name…in any case, among the fab finds for this particular day were watches.

The fact that my computer and my mobile phone and all manner of other devices seem to remind me of the time ad nauseam notwithstanding, something inside my head thought, “My, now this is a handsome watch! And on sale for just $245! Now this is for me! I would actually wear a watch if I had this one!”

I went so far as to share the link with a friend, with whom I happened to be on the phone, so that he could view, admire and share my appreciation of this fine specimen of Swiss engineering. He concurred that it was, indeed, a stellar timepiece.

And then, even as we talked, I realized: This watch is not going to make me happy, lovely accessory though it might be! I get enough of the time…it’s there on my computer screen, there on my phone. I am regularly reminded of the time already…too often, in fact! Do you know what would make me happy? A hammock! Now that — which at the time struck me as a fair opposite to a watch — will make me happy!

Moments later I was on another website, perusing styles and happily adding a hammock, stand and hardware to my shopping cart. Days later, my backyard was in bidness!

So you see, if you find me occasionally off on tangents or difficult to follow, just imagine what it’s like being inside this head! It can be whack, but it’s an awfully fun ride.

p.s. In case you were wondering, a hammock does equal happiness!

book report: Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

I’ve been trying for a long time to review or comment on or find some way to share with you the delightful gooey yumminess that is Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed:  A Love Story. It’s been out for a while now and, having appreciated Eat, Pray, Love and had my own reservations and struggles with the whole concept of marriage, I was really eager to dig in.

And yet I cannot make sense of this book for you. I mean, I can tell you that it’s a study of the history and issues around marriage from the perspective of a reluctant bride. Yet there is no way for me to boil it down into a condensed and sensible takeaway because, frankly, there is just too much amazingly juicy history, research, revelation and personal drama — and that’s just in Chapter 4, Marriage and Infatuation. I’m kidding; there are many great chapters. But, in the paperback copy I bought at the local discount retailer (you know the one with the big red bullseye), pages 96 through 134 cover so much — from enlightenment to infatuation, chemistry to philosophy, addiction to personal revelation, vasopressin receptor genes, walls and windows, prenuptial agreement and confessions.

Here are just a few of the highlights:

  • Aristophanes mythical story of why humans so long for union with one another.
  • “I can no longer do infatuation. It kills me. In the end, it always puts me through the wood chipper.” Who wouldn’t appreciate this oblique reference to the Coen brothers’ Fargo?
  • Oh, the wisdom and revelations of the older and wiser on her second time around! The maturity with which the (very necessary, in my opinion) prenuptial agreement is discussed!
  • The listing of her own most deplorable faults, which she shared with her fiancée (as if he didn’t know) to ensure he knew what he was getting in to. I may attempt to do this myself here in this blog.
There is so much more in this book that makes it worth the read, particularly if you’ve tried and failed, particularly if you’ve struggled with the very notion or institution of marriage, particularly if you’ve ever felt bare, broken or vulnerable.

what would you do if you won the lotto?

I’ve heard a lot of people lately sharing their fantasies of what they’d do if they won the lottery. What strikes me about these fantasies is their utter outlandishness…radical moves, big purchases — things like “taking a sailboat around the world” come from the mouths of folks who’ve never even sailed!

So here’s where I’m going to confess:  I buy a lotto ticket every so often and I have been known to entertain a fantasy shopping spree or two. Depending on the size of the prize, my big ridiculous fantasy is to have my own private island, preferably in the Caribbean and, ideally, near to Necker Island, family getaway and business retreat to one Sir Richard Branson. (In reality, I’m not such a recluse as all that, so I’m sure a place on St. Barth’s would do nicely. And then, the pragmatic me knows that it’s just as easy to go to rent a luxurious place, because being responsible for all the maintenance of yet another property is just not a necessary addition to my life.)

And my wildest fantasies are tempered by both an innate pragmatism and my spiritual practice. I have my own happiness to tend to, and I have children to raise to be decent, unspoilt contributors to society. Studies have shown that people who’ve won the lottery end up either as broke as before, completely miserable or both.

So here’s what I’d likely do (to preserve stability and happiness) were I to win great sums of money:

  • Buy a nice car, because I am a bit of a gear head at heart and I truly appreciate a nice ride!
  • Find a nice lot not far from where I already live and build a modern house, preferably one that incorporates sustainable design, quite possibly including reclaimed shipping containers.
  • Start a foundation to support women & children, both in developing countries / economies and in domestic areas of disadvantage (e.g. inner cities).
  • Spend more time with my children.
  • Buy art and support artists and creativity.
  • Travel more.

The reason I like to look at these things is based on a very simple philosophy:  I can make choices every day that support the way I want to live. I used to discuss this with my wasband. He might say something about winning the lottery and I would reply, “You already have. We already have.” We were blessed to be born into this country (in his case, he immigrated with his parents as a young child), to have earned an education, to have found someone special to with whom to share life, to have healthy children… These things, my friends, are winning! This is all that we need and more to know how truly, deeply blessed we are in this life! (…and, still, we manage to muck these things up.)

Another way to put it is, “How would you live if you knew that your prayers were already answered?” I ask myself such things regularly and then translate into present conditions. I may not have the financial wherewithal to buy a tropical island, but I can find ways in my current life to

  • increase the quality of time I spend with my children,
  • support art and artists, both locally and through etsy.com, kickstarter.com and indiegogo.com,
  • give to United Way and offer micro loans to women and children around the world through kiva.org,
  • drive a decent car,
  • keep up my house and property, etc.

I think you get the idea… So this is the message I want to share with you. Live as if you’ve already won! Make the choices and take the steps that support your biggest dreams. Even if the steps you take are small, each one still brings you closer to the life you desire most.

how to write goals with feeling

Awhile ago, I read a great article in O about goals and creating.

Author Martha Beck advises writing down what you think you want. For example, “I want to lose 30 pounds.” Or, “I want to start a business.”

Then ask yourself how you think you’ll feel when you’ve accomplished your goal. For the first it may be, “I’ll feel fit, energetic, confident” and for the second it may be “I’ll finally feel in control of my life, freedom.”

Sometimes there’s a disconnect between what we think we want and the way we want to feel. For instance, many people who start a business feel anything but free or in control — in fact, they may feel as though they’re always working and that life is more stressful than it was before. And for some, a weight loss goal may seem overly daunting.

So the author recommends using adjectives to help you re-write your goals, beginning with how you want to feel. If you want to feel “fit, energetic and confident,” your goal may seem more specific and achievable, and you can support your goal with smaller and achievable steps like “eat more vegetables, exercise regularly, take a pole dancing or burlesque class.” And, if you manage to take those small, manageable steps toward feeling the way you want, you may find yourself on your way to losing 30 pounds after all.

So when it comes to feeling more in control of my work-life balance, income and freedom…well, I haven’t figured that one out quite yet.

I’m gonna be a cool grandma

There are women out there who, when they take on the title of Grandma, will be able to share stories with their grandchildren about their epic life-long love affairs with Grandpa. They are the women who celebrate 50 years of marriage and more.

Having clearly failed this feat (which I assume stands a 50% chance at having been a miserable endeavor even for those who stick it out), I am resigned to be the cool grandmother. I’ll be the grandma with whom my granddaughters can talk about boys and sex. Assuming I am blessed with granddaughters, that is. Heck, I’d talk to my grandsons about sex, too, if it didn’t creep them out too much.

I’ll tell them stories of escapades with men, far-flung crushes and long-distance loves. I’ll tell them about “The Good Ol’ Days” when people met on an archaic dating site called match.com. And I’ll marvel with them about how far we’ve come.

But all this is a long way off…I’ve yet to have any such talks with my own elementary-age children!