I recently had a brief, back-and-forth-a-few-times exchange with a fellow on that online dating site. And then, in the middle of a message, he wrote:
One question, and I hope this doesn’t offend you, but are you curvy in the sense of having a curvaceous figure, or curvy in the sense of being a Big Woman?
You might imagine how completely taken aback I was by this sort of thing. After all, if one were to actually look at my photos, there is a clear picture of my full (and fully clothed) body among them. While I’m sitting down in the photo — and, if I’m honest, it’s possible that I was 10 pounds lighter in the shot — it’s clearly representative of my proportions and the way I carry my weight.
So, let’s get back to why, when it comes to describing my physique, I listed myself as “curvy,” rather than the other options…among them “athletic,” “average” and “a little extra.” Honestly, it’s mostly because I read somewhere that people with higher confidence are more likely to describe themselves as “curvy,” while their less-confident counterparts use other options to describe themselves. And it’s also a little because I have curvy friends who’ve mentioned they get more attention online when they describe themselves as “curvy.” I’d like to be thought of someone who is confident in my body, and I’d also like to attract attention.
At any rate, you can imagine all the questions that popped into my head, beginning with:
- What kind of douchebag asks this sort of question when the conversation was going pretty well? I mean, wouldn’t you just suggest meeting for coffee for an hour of your life to assess in person whether you find the other person attractive?
- Is that his way of saying he’s into Big Women?
- Is “curvy” a term that only women over a certain size are allowed to use? And, if so, what size is that? 14? 22? 8?
- Didn’t he bother to look at my photos?
- What’s on his priority list?
While sharing this story with a few girlfriends, they mostly agreed that this was a clear filtering opportunity — i.e. he’s not worthy. Another girlfriend shared that she’d been asked for her BMI during her short-lived experience with online dating.
What I’ve learned about myself is that I do feel pretty confident in my body or, at the very least, I’ve made peace with it. It’s not perfect, and I wish I were more svelte…but I also have other priorities in life right now that are more pressing than hitting the gym each day or starving myself. And I’ve found plenty of men who are very attracted to me.
What do you think this fellow meant by his question? What does it say about him? About our society?
The more I think about it, the more I suspect he has a thing for a larger, luscious Queen Latifah-like figure, but was afraid to come out and say so… And, frankly, I can see the appeal. I know a handful of Big Women who appear happy and full of life, their outer beauty manifesting as an expression of their inner joy.
the life and loves of Alisa B 
First thought that springs to my mind when I hear the term “curvy” is Marilyn Monroe or Gina Lolobrigida (?? where did that come from ;-)). Either way, I´d say it means ample at the top and bottom but still sexy. As for the guy, did you ask him for his condome size? Why not, he´d deserve it considering how rude he was to you. Like you said, he could have get to know you in person rather than asking such a blunt question. But that´s where our society is heading, I´m afraid, caring for outer values rather than the more important, inner ones.
I like it. Perhaps I could just add into my profile, “Magnums only, please.”
🙂
“Your question suggests you might be seeking a particular physique. Tell me more about that.”
My last boyfriend was a self-proclaimed “ass man” which was just weird and sexist in a dozen different ways. The thing is, he knew a rear end wasn’t what he was looking for. He was looking for a companion. He had dated many different shaped women and liked them for who they were. II was just this visceral attraction he has to a big booty. He could laugh at himself about it.
A fella can be self-aware enough to know that his physical attractions are limited in the scope of what they can actually bring to his life (ie, happiness or affinity) yet still feel them and occasionally act on them the way we all do. Sure, the online dude may be foolish enough to think only a certain shape of woman will be right for him. Or he may just be awkwardly stumbling through a conversation with his filter askew. If you dig a little deeper, what do you find there?
I completely agree with you and, while my girlfriends were immediately dismissive of the fellow, I was more curious. I responded honestly about my own physique, while asking in a neutral way what it is that he prefers. He has not responded…which is one of the reasons I think he may have asked because he likes “Big Women.”
In some twisted way, it’s flattering to imagine that I’m too thin or fit for someone!