you’re doing it wrong!

While on my recent girls’ weekend, I shared a few of my dating-gone-awry stories — you know, like the guy with the elastic waistband, the guy wearing those hideous brown shoes (with black pants, I might add) and many, many more.

Finally, one of the women exclaimed, “Wow, don’t you just want to take a guy by the shoulders, shake him a few times and tell him, ‘You’re doing it wrong!’?” Which was immediately followed by the idea that we could go into business coaching men about how to date without making complete asses of themselves.

But why stop there? There are plenty of women who are making mistakes, too! Take, for instance, the single woman some girlfriends and I ran into at the bar the other night. When the three of us noticed she was alone, we included her in our conversation. It all began so nicely, and then…

This woman, who was well into her forties, began to share news of her best date ever, which happened to have occurred within the past several days. They golfed, and her game was great! They dined. They had wonderful conversation. And she slept with him. On the first date. (Okay, to be honest, there was some disagreement among we original three as to whether this was truly a bad thing…but I guess it depends on what you’re looking for.) And, with him, she’d experienced her first-ever orgasm. Actually, she said he’d given her her first orgasm…now that’s love! (failed writes sarcastically).

But wait:  it gets worse! 

She lamented that they had talked about doing something over the weekend and he hadn’t yet called (it was Saturday night). She confessed to mixing business and pleasure by saying that she’d see him at a work event early the next week. And then she said she’d already made him chocolate chip cookies because he happened to have mentioned that he liked them.

That’s when I turned to her and said dryly:  “You’re doing it wrong.”

“What?!” she asked, incredulously. “Okay, tell me more. Clearly I need to hang out with you gals more often!”

Let’s ignore for a moment that all four of us at the bar were single… Suspend your disbelief, as she did, to hear what we had to say:

  • You’re trying too hard to please him. Already. What’s he going to do for you?
  • Don’t invest so much in one great date. Be a little indifferent; let him pursue you.
  • Now you know how to orgasm. It’s not about him; you’re the one who’s awakened your abilities.
  • Leverage him to help your career and see if the relationship thing works later. Or vice versa. Trying to do both at once will give him all of your energy and attention. That’s too much too soon.

Her:  “So I shouldn’t give him the cookies?”

Me:  “No.”

Her:  “But I already have them zipped up in a storage bag with his name on it.”

Me:  “Absolutely not. You can have them around your house and, if he happens to drop by, you can casually offer him one. Do NOT let him know you made them for him.”

Her:  “Okay” (uncertainly).

I left feeling I’d done my good deed for the weekend.

Let me be clear:  I do not position myself as an expert in dating. Like most of us, I can point out what’s glaringly wrong and, luckily, I’ve learned a lot from experience. I was probably in her shoes — trying too hard, appearing desperate — maybe even as little as two years ago. I acknowledge I have much, much more to learn as I embark on my journey of finding a wonderful, nurturing, uplifting sort of partnership.

And, along the way, I sure as heck would appreciate if someone would be kind enough to let me know when I’m doing it wrong!

4 thoughts on “you’re doing it wrong!

  1. I’ve just found your blog and have enhanced an entire Sunday morning by working my way through your archives. I now feel like I’ve spent a day with a bunch of great women! Thanks so much.

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