my money demon

Yesterday I promised to follow up with the rest of the story:

I think I’ve been quite open about my being on a path of growth since my early twenties, and with some renewed vigor following my divorce. Also, I’ve wrestled with “money issues” off and on for years. I know this because people have told me things like, “you’re too materialistic” or “you’re high maintenance.” While these types of judgements are relative, they always strike me as odd, because I am a pretty down-to-earth, value-conscious and go-with-the-flow kind of gal. When outside feedback doesn’t match inner reality, there must be some kind of dissonance. Whether it brings up our blind spots or other areas that aren’t resolved, that dissonance tells us something.

More recently, I’ve been feeling super grounded, grateful and optimistic. I feel like “me” again and I think the way I’m feeling is reflected in others’ perceptions of me, too, which suggests that my true nature and disposition are expressing themselves.

BUT — every time an unhappy financial surprise shows up in my life, my stress response could be described as way out of proportion to the actual event or cost. Furthermore, the simple stuff that others appear to be able to do, such as hire a landscaper, go on a girls’ weekend or buy a new car, continue to seem utterly out of reach despite the fact that I earn among the top 18% of all US households. People, this shit defies reason! (Again, I must acknowledge that I’m doing something right!)

Thus, Morgana Rae‘s concept (which I brought up yesterday) of visualizing your money as a person blew my mind! Rae is an abundance coach or “financial alchemist,” someone who helps others release their blocks to abundance. She had her own financial issues when her coach asked her that very question:  “If your money was a person, what would that person be like?”

I immediately closed my eyes, opened my mind and welcomed the vision of the embodiment of my money, while Morgana described hers as a large, physically intimidating “biker guy.”

My money wasn’t like that at all. In fact, he kind of looked like James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause, casually attired in a tee-shirt (maybe a wife beater) and jeans, with — instead of a leather jacket — a plaid shirt hanging over, unbuttoned and untucked. He leaned his thin frame against a wall, sort of in the shadows, kind of lurking. His hair was kind of greasy and you could tell by that and his scent that he hadn’t showered recently.

Am I starting to paint a picture here? Lurking, shadows…this guy’s kind of like a drug dealer. He swoops in for a quick fix now and again, but he’s completely unreliable and not at all trustworthy. He’s cool, noncommittal, dishonest, and can manipulate and control a situation with his smooth talk. He’s evasive and elusive. When I’m around him, I feel unsure of myself.

Seeing this embodiment of my relationship with money was a huge revelation to me. Wow! I’ve never had this sort of realization while doing any of the other work I’ve done around this issue. This just happens to have been the technique that gets to the heart of it for me. So…

Morgana’s first advice? Break up with your “money monster.” (“Money demon” resonates more with me.) Then find yourself a “money honey” and have an enriching relationship of mutual adoration with him (or her, depending on your preference). In all, Morgana has six steps for this process — and, if this interests you remotely, I highly recommend you look her up.

Finally, as I scribbled all of this down on paper, I began to see that many of the characteristics I assigned to my money demon are shared by my ex husband. In other words, if I heal this relationship, it will help improve all of my relationships.

Once again, this stupefying realization made me think, “Whoa, I’ve got a lot of work to do before I am capable of a truly healthy relationship!” Of course, I can manage well for a while, but patterns recur until we fully address them, right? So I’m ambivalent about whether to continue dating casually, or whether to really take the time to prioritize myself by doing meditation, yoga and other things that nurture my body and soul, opening myself to what comes to me naturally. Of course this is the way things would unfold according to my preference…but I’m still enjoying meeting people and the male attention in the meantime.

So I’ll stay online for a bit longer, see what happens and nurture myself enough to ensure I don’t allow myself to get too fatigued with the whole thing.

Meanwhile, I’m off to dream up a money honey — should he look like Dennis Quaid in The Rookie? Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man? The Jake Ryan character from Sixteen Candles? Max? At any rate, he’ll be gorgeous, I’ll treat him with love and respect, we’ll adore each other completely!