Tag: narcissism

masculine feminine narcissist

A girlfriend just lent me one of those dating / relationship books she called “life changing.” I’d tell you the title and author if I weren’t too lazy to get up from my sofa, where I’m snuggled cozily under a soft blanket. So far, here’s the gist:

A relationship needs masculine and feminine energy. Men typically provide the masculine; women typically provide the feminine. Roles can certainly be reversed, as we’ve all seen, but it rarely works for a couple to switch back and forth between roles. Even those of us with a healthy balance of masculine and feminine energy tend to have one that feels more natural more of the time. (And, by the way, all of us are masculine all the time in our professional roles…well, I mean, those of us with office jobs.)

The feminine role is to respect and admire the masculine; the masculine role is to cherish the feminine.

In case you were wondering, there’s even a 15-question quiz you can do to determine whether you prefer to provide the masculine or feminine energy. I took it. When I looked at the answer key, I had to laugh. Most answers were categorized as masculine, feminine or narcissist. True confession:  of my answers, 11 were feminine, two were masculine and two were narcissist.

What I ultimately realized from this is YES! I prefer to be the girl in any relationship, which explains why my healthiest long-term relationships have been with very masculine men. And also that my ex (husband) wanted to be both respected and cherished, which would put him in the narcissist category.

I contend that I have a balance of masculine and feminine energy and that I am most drawn to men who also have some balance. I also prefer to be in a relationship with a man who expresses his masculinity by taking charge (as my more recent lover does in the bedroom).

Still, this book is super old school, and I can’t help but think that we’ve evolved in the two or three decades since this book was written. Certainly texting and social media have at least changed the ways in which we communicate…haven’t they?

What do you think?

More on this later…

the narcissist in my inbox

Not gonna lie:  since I’ve begun online dating again, my profile is on fire! And, whether it’s what I’ve written in my profile or the cosmic universe juice I’m putting out there, I’m getting a lot of thoughtful, considerate messages from what I’d consider quality men.

This morning, I awoke to find a message that was decidedly not one of those. Read for yourself:

“Hey sweet thing. I just wanted to let you know that that guy who emailed you right after me? He sucks. Really. He doesn’t deserve to get the time of day from a hottie like yourself. Listen, my schedule is super busy but I think you may be worth a shot. If you’re not interested in a sexy, successful man, I’m sure there are plenty of losers like that other guy in your mailbox.”

This was so juicy I had to learn more…but first, I posted the message on Facebook and asked my friends to weigh in on how I ought to respond. And then I had a look at his profile:  his self-summary was more of the same attitude, he’s 6’2″, earns between $50 and $60k per year and photos showed a body that I would describe as “too much muscle.” (In other words, I suspect he might benefit from devoting a little more time and energy to developing some intellectual pursuits or depth of character in addition to all that time in the gym.) Oh…and he replies to messages frequently (which kind of contradicts his comment about being “super busy”).

I then checked back in on my friends’ feedback:

  • Some immediately noticed that he used the words “thing” and “hottie,” which clearly demonstrates that he’s objectifying women.
  • It was suggested — and I agree it’s likely — that this is a “copy and paste” approach. But it’s difficult for me to imagine that he’s had any success with it so far…
  • Many suggested I should not reply at all. I am, of course, tempted to shoot back an equally obnoxious “shut down,” perhaps as one friend suggested:  “You ARE the loser in my inbox.”
  • One male suggested I meet him for dinner then, after eating, tell him what a douche / ass he is and leave.
  • One woman asked if his salary alone was a deal breaker. Um, when you’re calling yourself “super successful”… yes.
  • Another suggested that he was overcompensating for what would certainly be a disappointing bedroom experience.
  • Finally, another man suggested I collect donations for recording equipment and capture on video a date with this fellow. Then, it would all be posted to a site where contributors could watch every excruciating moment.

The thing that I noticed first — and yet no one else commented on it — was that he felt it necessary to put others down in order to lift himself up. Even more than “thing,” this was a huge red flag for me, and clearly no one I’d ever consider as “date material” or a promising relationship partner. Of course I also noticed the inherent arrogance in his posturing, especially the bit about being “super successful, super hot,” etc. Truth is, I happen to know several “super successful” people, and there’s not a one of them who is so lacking in humility, appreciation and gratitude for their abundance — which, by the way, vastly exceeds $60k per year.

My final take on the subject? If some woman actually falls for that crap, the two of them clearly deserve each other!