the hundred-year cry

You’ve heard of hundred-year floods or hundred-year storms…well, today may be the day of the hundred-year cry.

A confluence of factors, including losing my favorite shades over the weekend, scaring off yet another bloke and a once-monthly flood of hormones have collided to create the ideal conditions for this sort of emotional release. In fact, it’s likely to be a necessity.

So how did I scare away the fellow you ask? Uh, not sure. I seem to be the one- or two-date queen these days (more often my choice). I suck at this dating stuff. I admit it. I haven’t dated in well over a decade. Neither did I have good relationship models  in my formative years — and my last relationship was disastrous. My ex used verbal manipulations and silence to control his environment — is it any wonder my communication skills are a little rough?

In this case, I’m not sure what it was that I said…I only meant to have a quick chat, feeling bloody awful as I did with hormone brain and allergies…my mind was too foggy for any serious discussion. And serious this gentleman is. It seemed he suddenly realized, though I said so before, that I am a mostly full-time parent…and then he was backpedaling:  I could call him when I have time, I could call him when my vibrator batteries run out (this was actually quite funny at the time, based on an earlier joke in our conversation), maybe we could be friends…after all, seems I don’t really have time to date…

What did I say? Probably too much, as usual. And probably not the right things to keep him interested. Somehow I failed to spit out:

  • That I’m willing to find babysitters or neighbors to allow me time out, especially for a man who interests me.
  • That I found him physically attractive.
  • That I was genuinely interested in getting to know him better.
  • That he seemed far too substantive to be a substitute dildo.

Perhaps more importantly, I’m not sure I conveyed a level of enthusiasm on par with his own. And then it faded…

Why? Well…I’m scared and I’m out of practice. I’ve never been in sales. My heart got broken. It’s healed bigger and more open than it was before. But it’s still a little tender and I’m still a little guarded. I am trying. And I find it difficult to show my true feelings so early. I don’t want to seem over-eager or desperate. But I am trying to be present and open and take the right kind of risks. I suppose there’s something in this that seems like game-playing, though I have neither the intent nor skill.

I know this guy’s done me a favor by opting out early. I respect and appreciate that. Still, there’s a little part of me that feels like I’ve failed…again. I wanted to get past the “interview” stage, to get to the hand-holding and tender touches, to connect, to feel a man’s soft lips touch mine, and to experience regular conversation and touch that I’ve been missing for so long. Something that seemed so natural for so much of my youth seems so elusive now, particularly in the bizarre, forced world of online dating. Another opportunity slipped away…

And that’s why this won’t be your run-of-the-mill monthly release; it’s going to be a serious cathartic experience.

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About failedatforty


7 responses to “the hundred-year cry

  • The T

    Yikes your heart has healed and is more open than before… that is a scary statement… for me, my heart is nearly healed and it is more closed to opportunit ythan I accepted before…it has new and improved firewalls to avoid that type of pain…pain that it should not have had to endure…

    Maybe I misread the intent of your post and I love your stuff…why would you be more open now after you understand how bad the pain is, rather than taking your time to give your heart room and space to figure out if this situation or other opportuntities are right for you?

    T.

    • failedatforty

      T., I think by saying my heart has healed more open, I’m saying I have a greater capacity for forgiveness, more compassion, etc.

      I’m still taking my time and really learning to let my feelings guide me. Like I said, this fellow (and all the other flaky guys I’ve met lately) are doing me a favor…but I’d like to get far enough along to feel something again. My heart is open to caring about someone new.

  • mysterycoach

    There is an excellent book called the Verbally Abusive Relationship. I read it many years ago and found it to be very helpful in siphoning through an experience that I went through.

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while and you’re doing fine honey, it’s all new to you, that’s all and we’re going to fall now and then, or make mistakes. We all make mistakes …

    Dating was easier when we were younger because we weren’t thinking about our kids, responsibilities who we’re bringing around our kids, we had no idea what we were looking for in a relationship. Now it’s harder because things have changed.

    This guy is not the last man on earth, dare I say you’ll meet someone better “for you” in time. It may take a while as you grow but it will happen for you. 🙂

  • failedatforty

    Thank you. Yes, the right man will self-identify. He’ll be consistent, steady and won’t see any hurdles he’s not willing to leap.

    p.s. It wasn’t the hundred-year cry after all; I guess the estrogen tsunami had already passed.

  • mysterycoach

    Exactly. Oh yes, I know all about that phase. It’s like everything hits you at one time … misty for no reason, ( for me anyway) everything turns sentimental, mushy moo or the alternative before hand is feeling very crabby. I hear ya!

    Sure and it’s not that easy either. You’ve been doing a lot of work on yourself and it’s excellent. Truly…

  • Angie H.

    When I start feeling this way a good romance novel or “weepy chick” movie is cathartic.

  • mysterycoach

    I hate when you’re watching something and you get all caught up in the moment and it’s like … who am I? Where’s all these tears coming from and why am I crying ? It’s just a dog bone commercial for goodness sake! LOL 🙂

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