opportunity

As in the popular sitcom, Will & Grace, I spent much of my college years and twenties in social circles that included gay men, several of whom are still my friends. I love hanging with this group of friends because they’re fun, successful, love to do the kinds of things I like to do (go dancing, stroll through art museums, have an occasional cocktail, watch romantic movies), etc. I had my “Will,” and we could talk about anything. Nothing is taboo between a straight woman and a gay man.

I also learned a critical life skill from my gay male friends. Every time they greeted me or another female friend among the group, they did so with amazing energy: “Gorgeous!,” my Will would call me, arms outstretched. And then he would add a comment about something I was wearing or my hair or choose something else positive to say.

There were times when I suspected a superficiality in this — it was a cultural norm, as is asking someone how they’re doing and not waiting for an answer — yet it never got old and it never failed to make me feel good about myself.

I came to see these behaviors as a powerful opportunity, a great way to make others feel good. I try to use these opportunities regularly — in business, in can be a great way to disarm someone otherwise intimidating or difficult and, especially in parenting, I’ve learned that it’s one of the great tools I can use to reinforce my children’s self-esteem, while noticing and encouraging positive behaviors. I also realized that it really wasn’t superficial at all. The positive things I find to say are very genuine, perhaps because I prefer to see the good in others.

It seems that few straight men have caught on to these behaviors. Perhaps it comes less naturally to heterosexual males. So guys, here’s a big opportunity for the new year:

Smile
Greet a woman by calling her a really nice name — e.g. Gorgeous, Beautiful, Pretty Girl…
Notice the positive and comment on it
Recognize the beauty in everyone

Trust me, it will work wonders!

the list, or brown hair

I was relaxing over a glass of wine with a girlfriend while her husband went outside to rake the lawn one last time, even as the snow began to fall. He didn’t want there to be any leaves in the children’s snowmen.

“You’ve got it pretty good,” I told her.

She agreed. “Yep, I got the brown hair.”

And then she went on to explain: Years earlier, she had been set up with a guy. There was no attraction, but they became good friends. He asked her what qualities she wanted in a mate. And so she shared a long list of the things she had been looking for in a man: brown hair, tall, gets along with his exes, a big kickstand, and more…all in all, it was a pretty thorough list.

After a couple more years of still being single and becoming more discouraged in her search for a mate, my girlfriend exclaimed to her friend, “Could I maybe just get the brown hair? I’d settle for that.” And then she met her husband, who does have brown hair, is good-looking, gets along with his exes, earns well, is kind and thoughtful, has a big kickstand…actually, I don’t know about that, but it sounded good. Ultimately, I’m willing to bet her husband has almost all of the qualities she was looking for.

Every woman has a list of qualities she’d like to find in a man — I had one before I met my husband. And, as I mentioned earlier, a failed relationship provides great clarity — an opportunity to reflect on how our values have changed, what we might do differently, and the choices we might make more wisely.

So here’s the new list of qualities and characteristics I’d like to find in a mate:

Single / available
Great sense of humor / quick to smile / playful
Presence / capacity / bandwidth
Kindness
Great manners
Income / provider / success mindset (optimism, determination, perseverance)
Responsible
Committed / honest / faithful
Loves children
Dark hair, kind eyes, nice smile, strong jaw line, relatively fit
Reads / intellectually curious – talks about ideas
36 – 46 years old
Thoughtful – holds hands, gives gifts (willing to buy dresses, jewelry, handbags*…)
Likes to touch and unafraid of public displays of affection
Even tempered and steady / able to manage conflict
Active / adventuresome / likes to travel & explore new places, foods, cultures
Genuine / authentic
In to arts / music, an aesthete
Non-smoker / addiction free
Taller than me (by at least 3″)
Has strong family relationships (and ability to be friends with exes)
Healthy boundaries with friends and family
Emotional resilience – gets up quickly when down

Know anyone?

*I know this one’s a stretch, but I’d love a guy who has the courage to try!

are you available?

About nine months ago…

When I began to unravel the habits, behaviors and shared responsibilities of married life, I realized something. It had been months since I’d been touched. Sure, I mean it would have been nice to have someone hold my hand, put an arm around me, embrace me…but I suddenly felt quite eager (i.e. desperate) to get naked and, well, randy. And with another human of the opposite sex.

I reached out to a number of my male friends, most of whom are married, to ask if they knew of any guy friends who might be in a situation similar to mine, which I summarized as such: “If horniness were fatal, I’d be dead already!”

Imagine my surprise when a couple of them inquired about my other criteria — coyly disguised as a request for descriptors, such as height, hair color…and whether this fellow’s being single was a requirement. I won’t guess whether these (ahem) gentlemen were inquiring about such details for themselves or friends of theirs, but I made a decision at that moment:

Even if I was only looking for sport, I wanted someone who was available. Someone reachable when I wanted to reach out, someone without such certain limits, someone who could actually contribute something to the interaction.

And availability isn’t just about whether someone is married or not. It’s about whether he is free and willing to engage, connect, share presence. Some married men are more than willing to make themselves available, while some single men — such as my recently divorcing friend, Chi-guy — just can’t wrap their heads around opening themselves to such opportunity.

At least not yet…

what a woman wants

I’m loving some of the things Rabbi Shmuley Boteach has to say in this article on Huffington Post Divorce.

The thesis of his article is that a woman wants to be chosen and that, only by asking her to marry him, can a man truly demonstrate to a woman that he is choosing her. He makes a pretty good argument.

And yet women also want to feel loved. We get love from all kinds of sources, but we want to feel loved romantically by our mates. Often this feeling fades.

So how does love fade? Gary Chapman would argue that there are five love languages and that, after the infatuation wears off, we don’t feel loved if our partner is speaking a different language. I read Chapman’s book on a single flight and immediately thought it was the simplest, smartest relationship advice I’d ever read. Unfortunately, it was already too late for me.

My ex didn’t speak my love language. I could occasionally see that he was trying to demonstrate his love, but he fumbled around doing things that simply didn’t matter to me. When I shared what I wanted, he either ignored my requests or told me that my wishes were foolish or materialistic. In other words, he wasn’t willing to learn my love language.

So I’ll close with a note to my second husband (who I’m not even dating — and not sure I’ve even met — yet):

Choose me. And then choose me over and over again by learning my love language. Share your love language with me, so I can love you back. After all, like choose, love is a verb.

date ready?

My marriage had failed. While still in the midst of slogging through the legal stuff of divorce*, I’m sure it seems strange for me to express a desire to be married again. So many of the folks I know who’ve survived divorce assure me they are perfectly content to never marry again. Some even swear they won’t. Perhaps having yet to experience true partnership, a companionship that I have to believe and hope is possible, it remains my deepest yearning.

Of course, this dream is likely to be in the somewhat distant future. First, my ex has to move out. And then we will both, I hope, focus on the well-being of our children and ensuring that they feel as safe and stable as possible, despite everything.

Still, thinking ahead, it struck me that I will have to learn to date again. More immediately, I must learn to pick men up. And that activities such as these are going to require a level of grooming I must confess to having allowed to taper off some time ago. I am not entirely without vanity; my ex simply never cared.

The fabulous au natural me of more than a decade ago was fit, taut, sexy. The current reality is that I’ve birthed two children, I’m carrying around a bit of extra weight, hair grows in places that it once did not, and I’m going to need to exert a bit more effort than simply shaving my legs and painting my toenails to achieve a condition one single girlfriend refers to as “date ready.”

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed by what I suppose ought to be simple maintenance and upkeep? Add it to the list along with yard work, gardening, housekeeping, earning, parenting — it’s just one more chore. And I’m already exhausted!

*all the final paperwork was sent in by the first week in January, 2011!