fml

I recently had one of the worst days of the worst weeks in recent memory. I cursed, I cried, I raged, I was snappish… I felt so unlike myself (yet so like the poisonous part of myself) that it’s like the difference between what it feels like to have the flu versus being one’s normally healthy and energetic self. Grrr…

Times like this, I need to step back and remember just how far I’ve come and celebrate my victories. Yes, the challenges highlight those areas where I still have work to do — and the two areas that stand out to me the most are my relationships with food / my body image and money.

Let me just point out that nearly all women have body image issues, and we’re often even more hyper critical of ourselves than we can be of others. Yes, even the best of us. I lost a bunch of weight last year. And it’s mostly back. I don’t feel good about that, and I was so hoping to have found a way to release it for good! So I’m not feeling as fabulous in my skin as I’d like (but that won’t stop me from enjoying my body to its fullest, if you know what I mean).

The bigger issue for me is money. How do I know? Because I’m going along in life, handing the ups and downs smoothly and with grace, feeling happy and content and grateful most of the time…and then some “trigger” comes along — like an unexpected car repair (is there really any other kind of car repair?) — and I turn in to a freak. So it’s these sudden, irrational spikes in my mood that let me know where my issues still exist.

What happens when some little thing comes along and dredges up our issues? We tell ourselves some belief about that thing — in this case, it might be “now I’ll never be able to pay all my bills this month!” and then we naturally follow-up by finding additional evidence to support these beliefs. So, when my car needed an unexpected tow and repair (for some doggone little switch that prevented it from shifting out of park), I had the usual crisis, dealt with the immediate necessary actions, and then found even more reasons that very week to freak out about my finances. Most of them irrational. But it took me a couple of days to talk myself down (and folks, there is nothing else that takes me a couple of days about which to calm down).

If you’ve been reading here a while, you know by now that I actively work to erase, re-write and overcome the hidden scripts from my past that hold me back. I’ve done so many darned exercises about money that it feels ridiculous to still be working on this aspect of my psyche…and, in the midst of this terrible week is when I came across a coach named Morgana Rae.

I heard a recorded interview with Morgana online somewhere (which I can no longer seem to locate, sadly), and she offered an entirely new way to view money:  “What if your money was a person? What would he or she be like?”

I closed my eyes, asked myself these questions and opened myself to whatever image came to me. Wow! Was that ever enlightening! …and you’ll have to read tomorrow to discover what I learned.

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