I was ambivalent about venturing online. I still had some feelings of attachment for Chi-guy, I wasn’t sure what I wanted yet, and one of the reasons I was determined to online date was to have something to write about here, on failedatforty. Based on some of the stories I’d heard from girlfriends, online dating was sure to be a content-rich endeavor. (Take, for instance, that guy who messaged me last night asking if he could be my bitch… Dang, I wish that interested me!)
Meanwhile, I’ve worked very hard to develop some clarity around my vision of life, family, the sort of work I’d like to create, and the sort of mate I’d like to attract. I’ve worked on my list to become more and more specific. And I’ve employed the Law of Attraction and meditated to open myself to energetically attracting a man with these qualities and much more. (I mean, I plan to employ my other assets and look my best, but I want the next one to be drawn to my spirit and my soul.)
Just when I was beginning to think that I was in the wrong place (i.e. free site) to meet men — in fact, a group of girls who know what I’m looking for had just told me that I was “sooo eHarmony” (really? me? isn’t that kind of a Bible-thumper site?) — I spotted a few interesting profiles. One, in particular, popped out at me because of the fellow’s sheer genuineness — and yet, there were aspects that made me question whether he was the typical [insert name of upscale-community-from-where-you've-met-entirely-too-many-arrogant-players here] douche.
I might have winked, we exchanged a few messages, and I took a chance and suggested that I’d be willing to meet for coffee.
Tangent: Long ago, I had a roommate who would notice an attractive man in public and exclaim, “Way to go, God!” I mention this because…
We met for coffee, and I assumed we’d have an hour or so to feel each other out, determine whether we wanted to see each other again, etc. We ended up talking for more than an hour, found much to chat about, discovered agreement in philosophy in many facets of life and seemed to enjoy each other. I found him pleasing to my eyes, yet felt no chemistry whatever (which is okay, right? …it’s even better if it builds slowly over time). He walked me to my car, gave me a warm and lengthy hug, and bid me a good day.
I got in my car and did a “Way to go, Universe! … that’s more like it!” He was the first guy I’d met (on the site) that fell within the range of my type, a combination of characteristics so unusual I wasn’t sure it existed (in one person) in this city. I could visualize going out with him again without having to convince myself to keep an open mind.
From there, I went home, worked out and rejoiced in knowing that all the effort I’d been putting in to creating was working. And now I had evidence that there are men within the range of what I’m seeking who live here. Directionally, I was getting closer to attracting what I want.
And that scared the shit out of me! Sure, I would love to meet someone really amazingly special this year (as I mentioned while discussing my vision board), but we’re only four months in to 2011 and I wasn’t sure I was ready for special — or even intriguing — yet! So whether he would become someone special or not, I needed to prepare for special… I spent the next week hitting Debbie Ford’s Spiritual Divorce harder than I had before, actually doing the exercises and working to heal, forgive and release any karmic connections that might still be holding me back.
It dawned on me that, while I had listed in detail the kind of mate I want to attract, I had failed to create a list of the qualities that I planned to bring to a partnership. So I began a list of the characteristics I want to embody to be an ideal partner to my ideal mate.
I also went back online and got real about my profile: I made it clear that my ultimate desire is marriage — a true partner and co-conspirator; I changed my ambivalent answers to some questions, such as “How long do you want your next relationship to last?” to “the rest of my life;” and more. In some ways, I feel I’m asking a lot — after all, it’s not just me, there are three of us. And the special man I will ultimately draw into my life will be a loving and engaged father to my children, as well as husband to me.
So what next? Well, I met the more-like-it guy again, enjoyed his company and looking in to his brown eyes, and I was definitely feeling a little chemistry, too. I hope to see him again. I’m not sure he knows what he’s looking for…so it’s too early to tell whether it might go anywhere. I’m also communicating with and meeting other men, learning from my interactions, getting clearer about my desires, and creating space for the possibility that the “or better” may manifest in my life…which, in this time of personal expansion, is ever-changing and allowing more.
Will this guy — or anyone I meet online — be the one? I’m going to take things day by day and focus on opening my own heart, allowing myself to feel vulnerable and soft, and living authentically, rather than try to predict the future.
See my next post on more-like-it.